it's a dream.

sometimes, we can't be too selfish in a relationship. but it's always easier said than done. especially towards past relationships. you want them to move on, yet you don't want to know the details. part of you still miss everything that you had.. everything that you've been through together. but part of you tells you to forget and keep on walking.

i'm stucked in a relationship where no words can comfort me anymore. i don't even know if we're still in the relationship. i'm still stucked at the point where everything began. i'm not moving even a bit. because i still believe in it. but apparently, what i did is not right. he told me that i should move along. though it's without him at the moment. he told me that he's comfortable with what he have and had. he told me that he didn't change and he won't. he told me that he doesn't want me to put so much hope on something that is not certain. but what he said is not fair. does this means that he's not sure whether we'll meet at the end of the road?

i'm letting go.

a love so wonderful turned into a burden without realising.

i'm giving up.

it's only a promise that is never true.

i'm getting on. i know i'll be okay soon. i always do.



"there used to be people. people who used to listen. people who used to care. people who used to be there. there isn't anyone left. what's left is the memories. what's left is the footprints of the people who were once in my life. people who once touched my heart.

there used to be happiness. people who make my day by just one smile. people who make me smile by just one word. but time flies by as quickly as they come. and happiness flew away as sadness stopped by. those eyes once drop only joyful tears now filled with tears of misery."
-20122005-

the naive one.

i read back those previous posts that i wrote. and i felt so funny. it's almost pointless to post up some of the things that i've written. so childish. so naive. so stupid.

been thinking a lot lately. and nothing works. so i guess they're right. stop thinking and just let things happen naturally. i think i'll be happier that way.

shitty things happens and i know it comes and go. have to adapt to it tho.

lotsa things happened and i guess i've learned too much. more than enough for me to be a better person. i've gained and lose. going through the end of teenage life is somehow exciting.

the road.

lies.. some sounded like fairy tales. while some are like nightmares. i live in a world surrounded by countless lies. some were told by strangers.. some by the closest ones.. while some were created by myself. who never tell a lie? nobody.

promises.. they really ARE made and meant to be broken.

true love.. you know you found your true love when your heart doesn't feel the same anymore. when nothing can replace it. you'll know it's true love when you know you couldn't love him like the way you love anybody else. when you can't mend the heart broken by your true love.

so now, i live in lies filled with broken promises and left with a shattered heart.

so what?

life goes on. like it or not. i'm learning how to let go and let go willingly. i want to walk out of it with pride. my dearest lecturer back in Stamford once told me, "Denise, you walk into this college with good reputation. And I want you to walk out with better reputation. Not leaving any bad remarks." that word of his taught me a lot.

the conversation.

i talked to korkor on the phone the other day. was feeling a lil moody. uncertain. sad to be exact. but korkor taught me a lot in the conversation.. i'm so grateful to have him around.. been wanting to talk to harvey lately.. but i couldn't call him up. and like usual, he didn't reply my emails. and seriously, i don't know how he's doing lately. just pray that he's doing alright. i don't really mind him for not replying my emails and returning calls like i used to anymore. maybe he don't have the time to do so.. maybe he's having a hard time over there and he don't want me to worry. i always tell myself to think positive. to believe in him. and to trust my own judgment. but sometimes, it's easier said than done.

i cried myself out last night, thinking about harvey. i still remember how he told me not to cry more than 10 minutes. he don't like seeing me cry. i guess most guys can't stand girls who cries often. guys just don't know how to handle it. egoism.

there are times when i feel like giving up hope. there are times where i wished to lose all of my memories so that i won't be sad, thinking of him. it's not that i want to forget him. i just don't want to feel hopeless everytime i try to remember.

i wish that everything will be alright soon.




[current mood]
bitter.

[current book]
it's 'Kane and Abel'... spelling error in the previous post.

the days.

ok.. my network card was burned few weeks ago.. lucky me. i finished my assignment just one day before that. and now, i have to come to this internet cafe in kotaraya. just to check my mails and blog a while.

this few weeks without internet connection at home drives me nuts. well, almost... i didn't do my final-one-and-only assignment for Business in Computing subject. it's a 70% paper. and i screwed it up. and i got to know that i've failed the two Marketing assignment. so i HAVE to pass at least my Finance paper... i'm in deep shit.

i don't know what to do with my life now. ok.. college life to be more accurate.

i've learned lotsa things lately. about people. love. attitude. friendship.



i think i'll stop writing. not in the mood to crap.


[current book]
Kane and Ebel by Jeffrey Archer.