i don't know what i'm thinking lately.. perhaps i'm not thinking at all..

i started to get tired. getting tired of waiting. getting tired of being nice. getting tired of trying hard.

i had a dream last night. i dreamt that harvey came back. and he insisted to stay at my place, of course, i'm very happy. so, i went to work and he stayed at home. when i got back, he's not there. i start to search for him everywhere. i continue to search and searh. but the alarm woke me up. that's when i realised that it was a dream. i went back to sleep. started to dream again. in that dream, i continued looking for him. i stayed in that dream for very long time. hoping to finally found him. but i didn't. so you see, in reality, it's almost the same. he came into my life and stayed a while. but he had to go. now, i can't even give him a call whenever i want, like i used to. sometimes, i thought that i tried too hard to maintain this relationship. but then, i realised that perhaps i'm not doing good enough. and sometimes, i feel that i'm the only one who is trying to maintain it. but again, i realised that perhaps i should understand the situation better. sigh~ i don't know.

i told everybody i'm fitting in. at first, i said that to make myself feel better and not to worry my friends. now, i'm really fitting in. i guess it's the tiredness that draws me to adapting myself without my own will. i started to feel less bout everything. i don't remember what it's like to walk hand-in-hand. i don't remember what it's like to have hand to hold when i'm asleep. i don't remember what it's like to be hugged real tight. i don't remember what it's like to drop a tear from too much of missing. i don't remember what it's like to be cared for. i almost forgot what it's like to be loved and in love. but the thing that i never forget is to love harvey with all my heart despite all the things i listed down above.


[music on air]
some trance.

[current mood]
down.

[quote of the day]
sometimes you have to stand alone to make sure you still can.

[next station]
work.