hard decision.

this morning around 8 o'clock, Smelly's (i shall call Ming Smelly from now on.. stories after this lah) mother asked me to call the vet. she told me that Ah Girl, our 16/17 year-old terrier mix is not feeling well. Ah Girl refused to eat last night and this morning, Smelly's mother told me that Ah Girl shitted blood. very red and bloody! it was all over the floor and it's watery too. then her body is very hot and she shivers from time to time. Smelly's mom saw this and felt very painful for Ah Girl. she's a good dog. never jealous with Alfie when he was brought back a year ago, never wailed even when she have skin infection on her body that when we accidently touched the injured skin, she'll only whimper a bit. she's very old. she have cataract on both of her eyes and she's very boney now that only long hair will cover her bone frame, which she can't keep cos it tangles very easily and we had to cut her hair short everytime after it grew perfectly long and looked healthier.

but this morning, Smelly's mother thought of putting Ah Girl to sleep. to end her misery. so that she can leave painlessly. so that she could go to a better place then suffering all kind of sickness that she suffered and still suffering.

so i called the vet reluctantly and made an appointment later at 1pm. since i'll be gone to work and will not be back until 3pm, i took some last photos of her and with her. then, Smelly came out, asking me why i squat beside Ah Girl. then i couldn't help it.. tears rolled down uncontrollably. i felt terribly sad. i felt very bad. for calling the vet and let them do this to her. it's like i'm a murderer, using the vet as killer. she looked fine to me at that moment. just like any other days. but flies came out of nowhere and kept disturbing her and i can see that she could not do anything to get rid of the flies. perhaps she didn't even feel the flies are there at the first place. she can't see already cos she had very bad cataract. i wonder if she ever saw how i really looked like?i really hope that she knows how i looked like and that she'll remember me, like how i will not forget her. since the day i saw her two years ago, her eyes has been like that. sometimes she seems to be able to see things.. but most of the time now, she kinda lost her directions. i guess her nose is not so sensitive anymore too. cos she always make few wrong turns before she could get to her bowl of food which we put it in front of her everytime. she'll still sniff away from the bowl and make few big rounds before she get to the right place.

i felt extremely sad that we had to make this choice. a choice that i don't prefer doing. it's living things. it has life too. i don't think she deserves to be put to sleep, considering that she's really a very good girl. never wailed even when Smelly's mom need to put her outside instead of in the house cos she had to take care of a baby boy that time. since then, she stayed outside wihtout complaining, occasionally will sneak in the house when the door was not closed properly. yet, she's so obedient. so patient. but so old now :(

after half an hour calling the vet, Smelly's mom called me back to cancel the appointment. she said she can't take it as well. she felt very bad too. so after some thoughts, she decided to just let Ah Girl to either cure her bloody shit or to just wait for her last breath to be taken away by nature instead of us, causing it.

i was very happy to hear that of course! i called the vet again and told him that we cancelled our plan. "she seems to be fine now, but then i'm not too sure" i told him. after i told him about her condition, he said "in this case, alternatively, you can feed her some supplements, like anti oxidant and other vitamins. it can heal them. it really helps, a lil if not a lot."

i happily replied him "ok, i'll drop by if she didn't get any better by tonight. then only we'll make final decision. thank you very much!"

so there!

i'm no longer a murderer borrowing someone else's hand to kill.

Ah Girl will live as long as she want to. as long as she think she can endure the pain. as long as we don't even bother trying on another attempt of murdering her again. as long as we know it's not her time yet. cos if it's time, there's always signals. i do hope that the bloody shit is not a signal cos i can almost feel her, in pain. i hope she'll have an easy journey back up there when the time comes. i hope it's just because of the heaty weather that caused her bleed.

i hope she'll stay longer.. another 4 years, maybe? that'll make her 20 years old by then. at least she lived longer than the average dog's life span already. she's 16/17 now. i heard average is only 12 or 13 years? means that despite all kind of sickness in her, she's considered healthy, to be able to live this long.

or that's what i thought.

i hope she'll get better soon. let's pray for her. :)