Another Day To Remember

Last Friday (11^th Dec 2009) was another day for me to remember. It was a day that I'll remember to be good to my parents. To my family members. To people that I care. To my friends. To appreciate them while they're all still here. Last Friday, was the day I lost my gramma. 2 weeks ago was the last time I saw her, smiling at me, even though I knew that she don't remember my name. Just 2 weeks ago, I told dad that she looked healthier than before. He told me it's because of a supplement that she took for a while now. Yes, we all saw some improvements cos she looked healthier and she actually answered us back when we ask her the most asked question, "have you eaten?", she will smile and say "yes, eaten", unlike the usual don't-bother attitude and pretend not listening.

Yes, I was sad. And I cried when I heard the news. I cried because I planned to see her in the afternoon but she left in the morning. But I didn't cry in front of her. I know she's happier where she is now. Besides family members, the only person who cries nonstop was my maid who took care of her for almost 2 years. She bathed her, slept with her, watched tv with her, fed her and accompanied her every single day. Every time we do prayers and every time she looks at gramma lying lifeless in the coffin, she will burst into tears. She cried for 2 days, day and night. And when we mentioned gramma, she will look very sad. I think it's normal for her to felt this way. It's like losing her family member too.

photo taken in June 09. i asked her to smile for the camera

I remember writing about her broken hips early this year and how her Alzheimer's got worse than ever and we're all ready for her departure. But just few weeks ago, I thought she'll have more time. But I guess her time is really up. She went to a better, happier place, without sickness, without ill-memories. I remember just few months ago, every time I sit down and look at her, my heart aches. Tears fell down uncontrollably. And I always wished that she still remembers my name. I guess she stopped trying to remember anything. Perhaps remembering is harder and more depressing than forgetting.

 

 

i took these photos in May and wrote something about gramma, but it's still in the draft until now. hmm. 

i hope gramma found her happiness.

little by little.

I’ve been going home more regular lately. It feels strangely good. Strange, because I’ve been staying out for almost 3 years now and during those 3 years, I can even count with my fingers how many times I actually stayed overnight at home. I do feel guilty for not being home often. And I’ve talked about moving back home so many times that nobody’s gonna believe that I can make it because I never kept my words. Going back home lately is actually some kind of achievement for me. I said it feels strangely good because I never thought that I’ll feel good going home. I’ve always thought that my room is not the same anymore; my bed doesn’t have “my” scent already, even my wardrobe is left too long that my clothes got yellowish and smelt “forgotten”. But I realized that I felt good because something just doesn’t change no matter how long I stayed out. It’s still MY home. It still felt warm despite whatever icy emotional wars that never fades in the house ever since before I even move out.

One thing that got me hyped up these days when I go home is due to the existence of my niece. She’s 17 months now and she’s such a cute mischievous bundle of joy. Though she doesn’t really come home that often with my sister, but every time she’s back, she lights up everyone’s mood. Ahh… such a bliss to be a child. No worries, no stress, capable to throw whatever fits whenever possible (and get away with it), being loved and pampered by everyone, doing the simplest things that make people laugh… well at least we all lived the first 5 years of our lives without uncertainties… how I wished I remember how it was like to be a two-year old. Sure it was fun. At least nobody’s going to judge you. All children are cute no matter how annoying they get. They’re all meant to be loved. All deserved to be pampered.

Tiny little things changed bit by bit and the latest things that I realized when I was home last week were all the plants that were planted by grampa, ever since I can remember, went missing. His beautifully shaped multi-colored azaleas, the fern tree that survived for more than 20 years, those different types of vegetables that he used to plant regularly (though I never really dare to eat it ever since I got to know what he used as fertilizer), his beloved bonsais … all of that, was his glory. He was very proud of them and everyone was marveled at his talent, creating those gorgeous plants. Passersby gazed at those bonsais in admiration and many were envious, for it was too beautifully created (though he sold most of them few years before he passed away, which made my dad furious cos he sold it too cheap)…. Those azaleas, was my favorite of all. Three or four colors married to a steady branch in one big pot, skillfully bent into their shapes and designs (he used to cut it into bird shapes, which I’d always thought was shape of planes). I used look at him in amusement whenever he work on his plants. He put so much effort in each and every masterpiece and it still amazes me how brilliant my grampa was. When he passed away, those plants became orphans and left unattended. Some of them slowly got out of shape and some of them decided to accompany grampa to a better place. And when I found out that it went missing last week (I think dad got rid of them), I felt a tinge of pain in my heart. His glory died with him. Bits by bits.

Another thing that changed is gramma. She never calls my name like few months ago. She can’t remember me anymore. In fact, she can’t remember anyone. No words can be used to describe how I felt every time I see her now. She got thinner day by day. Her memories are vanishing. Her smiles are fading. All I can see in her face now is confusion and emptiness. What is she thinking right now? What is in her mind all the time now that she doesn’t remember? I wonder if she still recalls anything. I wonder if she’s putting any efforts to do so. But I’m sure she remembers at least something… Could she? It saddens me whenever I thought of her situation. Her deteriorating memories, her dislocated hips that is recovering slowly, her puzzled expression from not remembering anything… looking at her now is like looking at a rose that we received from our partner. The minute we received it, we started to admire it and before we learn how to appreciate it, it’s time to let it off our hands. We tried hard to preserve it from withering, but we knew one day, the petals will dry up and drop one by one.

I will appreciate the rose that I’ve neglected and almost forgotten. I will remember to shower it with love even though I knew it couldn’t absorb any more of it. Even though I knew one day, all that will be left is the thorny dry stem and I’ll have to pick up the petals from the floor… one by one, pieces by pieces.

Gramma's Hipbone Dislocated.

Internet is a bitch at home. Tried to upload photos here but it took like forever to load.

Facebook is another bitch. It took forever to load one page.

Opera is the mother of all bitches. Some links are disabled in Opera. No matter how many times I click, it just won't load. Can someone tell me what's the problem? I’m thinking of switching to Safari. But I like Opera cos it loads faster than other explorers (except for the stupid unclickable links).

************************************

I went back home yesterday. Dad brought gramma to the Chinese traditional doctor and he asked dad to bring gramma for x-ray cos he suspect her hipbone cracked. So dad brought gramma to the hospital and after x-ray, doctor told him that her hipbone that joints her left leg (somewhere there la) is dislocated.

No wonder she complained it's very painful every time we move her leg. So dad asked me to go to UM hospital and consult the doctor. Ask whether need operation or not. Ask what is the success rate. Ask if it's save for her to do it cos she's 83 years old with Alzheimer's disease. Ask how much does the operation costs. Ask a lot of other questions.

So I’m taking half-day leave today to go to the hospital…

Ohh.. I just called Joyce and she told me it’s better to go to the hospital in the morning cos we have to wait quite long since it’s government hospital. Gtg now! Update soon.

time to change?

I braved myself for a challenge yesterday. I think I did okay. But I’m a lil bit concerned and nervous about the outcome. It’ll determine an important part of my life. Myself. My future. *cross fingers* hopefully everything will be okay.

****************************************

I shaved Alfie’s long shiny but forever tangled coat.

He doesn’t look like Alfie now.

He looked like a new dog.

He looked a lil bit like a Schnauzer.

He looked like a very naughty dog.

He looked cute. Grr..

I’m gonna keep his coat short from now on… it’s quite annoying to find balls of fur underneath our bed every time I clean the room. And it’s not so good to my nose cos his fur is all over our bed and comforter.

****************************************

I went back home the other day. Gramma still couldn’t walk. She sits on the lazy chair all the time and the maid have to push her all the way from the living room to the bathroom for shower. The wheelchair that my aunt got is too high, it’s difficult for her to transfer gramma from the chair to the wheelchair. Dad told me that the doctor said her left leg (which is a bit swollen and painful) is shorter than her right leg. Maybe it’s because she didn’t care to move her leg so the muscle got shorter or something. I don’t know.

It’s sad looking at her situation.

But I’m glad that she still remembers my name. Sometimes. Well, there’s a trick of getting her remember someone.

Just give her a cigarette.

=)

It works every time.

Well, at least she remembers few of my cousins and aunts who gave her cigarettes.

My Chinese New Year.

So I’ve been sick (AGAIN) before and during Chinese New Year. What a good start huh. I guess it was the heat that caused my very terrible headache. It lasted me for 4 days! I started work yesterday, but only my lady boss and me (I have 2 bosses fyi) came to work because others (on my floor) took leave until Monday (except my “real” boss who start work today). My head was spinning and the headache came back. So I went home at lunchtime and went to see the doctor. I told him that I’ve had this headache for FOUR days already. It comes and goes. I took Panadols and it still didn’t go away (I tried Panadol ActiFast the first day, it worked for few hours and the next few days, it just didn’t work. I tried the normal Panadol and it worked only for few hours). He asked his routine questions like, “Do you have fever? Cough? Phlegm?” and checked my body temperature, which is perfectly normal, but I still felt feverish and super bad sore throat.. Maybe it’s really the heat.

I had fever that few days that I had headache (it’s like a combo package. Wtf.). But surprisingly, the fever only happens in the afternoon… so it must be the heat.

So anyway, the doctor told me that Panadol wouldn’t work for my headaches and prescribed Ponstan instead. And he gave me some antibiotics and some tablets to suck (for my sore throat). Oh.. I even asked him for half-day MC. He gave me full day instead. What a wonderful man. Bleh!

Took the medicine right away and went to Pertama Complex with Smelly. The headache got worse the moment I stepped out of the car. We walked for a while and it got from worse to WORST. I kept telling Smelly that I wanted to go home cos I really can’t stand it. He said, “Since we’re here, let’s go Sogo.” T_T why my boyfriend like that one.. Sigh. Since we don’t really go shopping that often anymore and since it’s been few years since I first and last stepped into Sogo, might as well go have a look.

Even though it’s only opposite road, I felt like we walked for few kilometers.

There’s sale going on and quite a lot of people around. Smelly kept asking me, “You don’t wanna buy anything?”

“No”

I know he tried to make me stay awake and tried to make me forget my headache, which is helpful in a way la… but still, I was quite grumpy throughout our outing. I kept telling him that I wanted to go home.

Smelly bought a polo shirt and a belt for work. I didn’t get anything though. I just wanted to go home.

We stopped by MaxValu (Jusco) near our place to get some red wines. I got ourselves (well actually it’s for me lah) some sushi and half dozen of Wong Lo Kat (the famous herbal tea). “Sushi again???!?”

“Yea. I feel like eating.” Actually, I just can’t resist buying. :P buying sushi at Jusco is a MUST every time I go there.

We bought 2 bottles of red wines. We’re not wine experts but somehow we discovered that we fell in love with red wines since the Christmas Pool Party. bleh. We also know that good red wines are expensive (the cheapest bottle that we drank over at Kenny’s is RM300++! We drank about a total of RM3000++ worth of red wines that night.. and I don’t think we drank more than 10 bottles… no wonder it tasted SO GOOD!) anyway, since we’re not expert drinkers (yet), we bought those cheap ones for a start. RM 50++ a bottle. One of it is Jacob’s Creek, still haven’t try yet. The other bottle is.. dunno what brand but it’s from Chile or something… Which I think it tasted okay lah.. but let’s not compare it with the ones that we drank at Kenny’s.

So anyway.. we went home and I had some sushi and watched The Gem Of Life episode 59 or 60 (mch!! I HATE HATE HATE that Jessica!!! She’s so ungrateful to her mother!! I felt like stabbing her with my chopstick and stuff her with Alfie’s poo!)

Actually, the first thing I did when I reached home is drink the Wong Lo Kat. And within half an hour, my sore throat miraculously HEALED. Yes. HEALED. I wonder if it’s the Ponstan, the sucking tablet or if it’s really the magical Wong Lo Kat. If it’s the Wong Lo Kat, then it must be the heat that caused my fever, headache and sore throat… I should’ve bought it earlier right? Sigh.

Ok. I think I’m getting more and more long-winded. Ciaoz before I became like my gramma : “Ah Hung, who’s shoe is that?” repeat 10 times in 15minutes. My gramma is so cute. *hugs*

outdated post...

Daddy is going to Japan with Ben on the 9th. And last Saturday, I decided to clean my room. Initially, I thought just cleaning up those old junks that have been stacked in the room ever since my brother took my room. It’s like a storeroom.. ok la.. I know I’ve been promising myself to clean my room since like… last year?? But never did cos Shorty and Fatty moved my stuff, when Fatty took over my room, without waiting for me letting me choose my room and decided that I take over my late grampa’s room and just chuck everything inside. Including their unwanted-but-still-want-to-keep stuff in it!

So cannot blame me for procrastinating la..

So many things to clean!

Daddy’s going to travel for a week, so I had to stay home to look after my gramma, I HAVE to clean it no matter what la..

Cleaning is not enough, daddy asked me to switch room with gramma cos her room is actually my old room, got air cond. Very long never turn on cos gramma only use fan.

SWITCH room again. So means more things to clean and throw and organize!

So back to last Saturday, I woke up at 9a.m (9a.m on a weekend is miracle) and getting ready to go back home from Smelly’s place. Just when I’m about to call daddy to confirm that I’m going back to clean and switch rooms, he called… and asked if I could go down town to take some medicine for gramma. She’s not feeling well since the night before. She’s been “poo-ing” non-stop. I got worried so I offered to drive her to the clinic, which is in Pudu cos grampa used to go there, it’s his doctor.

I went home and there she was… sitting on her rattan lazy-chair, watching tv. I asked if she still feels sick, she said she’s not sick. Then, I asked the maid to get her ready to go clinic. I told gramma we’re going to see the doc, she refused and said she’s not sick. The maid came out and said she doesn’t want to shower… she told me she didn’t want to put on the adult diaper and urinated there. I looked down to see a yellow patch of watery marks just below the chair. My heart sank.

I felt sad for my gramma.

I tried convincing her to take a shower. Hold her hand and asked her to follow me… “come… I bring you… follow me,” I said. Somehow, she took my hands and started walking.

Phew! Relieved that she finally agreed to shower.

She have to walk very slow cos her bones are weak. After few drags of steps, a sudden rush of pungent smell flow through the air. I looked down. Thick stream of dark brown juice flowed down thru her pants, making tiny dripping sound… as she continued dragging her slippers, trying hard to walk, I can hear the squeezing sound made by the slippers, results of the encounter with the thick liquid.

“ahh.. sudah berak…” (ahh.. she poo-ed…) my maid said, holding her left hand, me on the right.

We couldn’t do anything but to continue walking to the bathroom, which is still about 15-18 feet away.

My heart sank deeper.

I look at my gramma, she’s trying so hard to walk and when she looked at me, she just gives me her usual smile. Like nothing happened.

She doesn’t know she have no control over her bladder and rectum (is that what you call it?). And she’s dementia. Can’t do much but to try talking to her as much as possible.. Sometimes, she remembers a lot of things. Sometimes, she remember me as her neighbor...

We had hard time trying to get her to the clinic cos she doesn’t want to go out. She’s always afraid to go out from the house. Maybe because she’s afraid that we’ll send her off to somewhere and leave her alone there. She held my hand very tightly when I helped her walk towards the gate. Every few steps she took, she’ll stop and say, “I don’t want to go.” Then, I’ll say, “It’s ok… just follow me..” and she’ll walk another few steps and say, “I don’t want to go.” This repeats for few times before I had to carry her into the car cos it’s almost 12p.m and it got very hot.

Everything went well in the clinic. Got some supplement and diarrhea pills for her. A lil bit of trouble getting her out and in the car…but other than that, everything went smoothly. She even remembers my name when we reached home.

So after a week, I went back home again to do a final clean up for my room… my dad told me that after all the supplements and pills, she can walk better. I saw her and her face glowed. I think she’s getting better now. She doesn’t even need us to hold her when she walks now. I guess the supplement worked a lil… but daddy also told me that she’s not been visiting the toilet for the whole week…

Hmm…

my gramma.

i went home 2 days ago. dad asked me if i want to go home for dinner. one of his staffs' birthday. thinking that i haven't been seeing him for a week, i thought of going home.

had dinner and gramma haven't sleep yet. it's already 8.30pm when i got home. she's sitting there, watching tv. gramma is like that.. everytime there are visitors, she can't sleep. or should i say, she won't sleep. maybe she felt insecure or something. she will be very worried and keep on asking where my father is.

she's been naughty. dad asked her to sleep cos it's late. she normally sleeps at 7pm. she just walked up and down till everyone went home.

she sat beside me. my bag was on the chair opposite where i'm sitting. she pointed at the bag and asked, "who's bag is that?" i told her it's mine. "don't put there. later people take away."

i assured her that it's ok.

after five minutes, she pointed at the bag again. "who's bag is that?"

again, i told her it's mine.

"don't put there. later people take away."

this repeated for almost 6-7 times.

then i took my bag and put it on my lap.

she stopped asking.

she saw my phone on the chair, just beside me, "is this yours?"

"yes"

"keep it. later you lose it"

sigh.

then my dad came out, after cutting the cake, he asked gramma, "do you know who is this?" pointing at me.

gramma smiled. "i know.. i know.......*mumbles*"

she can't remember me that moment.

"she's your granddaughter. remember?"

"ahh.. yes.. i remember."

no. she didn't. she said that just to make us feel better. she's afraid that we know that she can't remember.

dad's staff always comes over our house and gramma will scold them and ask them to leave the house cos she don't recognize them. dad will tease her. "she's your grand daughter, remember?" she won't believe. but when dad told her that shortie, me and fatty are her grandchildren, she will smile and say "ah.. yes.. yes.."

i felt sad.

sometimes, she remember me clearly. asking me where i went. if i'm going to school that day. (cos before her condition got worse, i was still in college).

sometimes, she thought i'm her neighbour.

sometimes, she thought i'm a friend.

but luckily most of the time, she remember my name. but when asked, she got mixed up. i hope gramma won't forget me totally. i wish she still remember i'm her grand daughter.



before she went to bed, she stared at me very long and smiled. "you lose weight" she said.

"is it?"

"why you lose weight?"

"i diet... am i pretty?"

"yes yes... of course!" she laughed.

missing home.

i found out that my baby brother started blogging yesterday. i read his first entry and it made me cried.

his english wasn't as good as me and shortie . yet he wrote something that made me teared. he wrote about his daily routine. just like when i started blogging, i wrote about my daily routine and musings.

though he's not good at english, i still think that he wrote wonderfully. why he started blogging? i wonder..

is it because he's got nobody to talk to?

is it because evrybody owns a blog, he wanna have one too?

is it because he's lonely?

i can't figure out.

i felt kinda bad for not being at home so often. and everytime i went home, he'll get some kinda scolding or lecture from me. not taht i intend to argue with him every time we met la.. just that sometimes, it's difficult talking to a teenager. (do i sound like a mother?)

the thing that made me teared is when i read about what he wrote bout my gramma, who have Alzheimer's Disease.

"my grandma knock the door...she thought a thief...so i told my grandma she is my dad staff can say my dad 'Kai Lui'...than she go away...so get back to my pc play some old games...Gunbound..after playing 20 min i heard my grandma knock louder n louder...so i tell her she sleeping dun kacau her...then get back the same things after 5 min...hiahz...so cham...because she got abit sick...sometimes she can' remember me...sometimes she call me as his son...hiahz...but nvm...old ady is like tat lor...hmm.."

after reading this, i felt a lump on my throat.

it's been a while since i go home.

i think it's time to go home now.