the decision.

i stopped college. yes. stopped. not quit. stop. i'll be studying part time soon. will be working full time and go back to study after everything's stable.

many people i know was kinda shocked when i told them that i'm gonna stop a while and work.. i'm sure they think that i'm stupid for making this kind of decision. some of them feel that it's a waste because i've already studied halfway.. but there are also friends who understands what i'm trying to do here.

there are still a lot of things in my mind now.. so many thoughts, so little time.. i don't know which one is to be settle first. perhaps i think too much.. perhaps there's really nothing in my head.. perhaps it's all only a dream.

it's been a while since i posted anything here... pc crashed for the thousand-th time..

anyway.. lotsa things happened. chinese new year was good. minus the working part, of course..

i'm still uncertain about many things in my life now... but i'm sure i'm trying hard to be fair and reasonable.. and to be more on the ground..

i've figured that it's okay to cry once in a while. it's okay to think about the past. it's okay that it hurts. it's okay to be alone sometimes. and it's okay that nobody understands. because that is life. because growing up (old) is supposed to be that way. because it'll make me a better person (i hope..).

anyway, i met few of my high school friends recently.. and it's nice to hang together again. although it's only a while, but it's nice. it's great to see those familiar faces again. reminds me of how i spent my years in high school.. how naive we were.. how happy it was.... though everyone's growing separately, when we're sitting at the same table, drinking our coffees and teas, we still talk a lot about everything. it's not as awkward as i've always imagined how reunion will be like..

i'm going to my very first class of the semester later in the morning.. kinda nervous.. though it's not the first time i go to college.. maybe because i've told myself that i cannot fail this time. told myself that i must be more disciplined this time. i hope i can do it.

things are going on fine between me and ming. oh.. btw.. i've started swimming again.. and working out a lil at home.. have to get back in shape before mommy comes back.. hmm...

i realised that lotsa things changed.. people around me changed.. little by little.. i've changed.. (i think..).. more focused (i guess).. oh, and i kinda stop visiting clubs like i used to.. (more sober) lol! so i've changed. but not drastically, i supposed. but i'm sure one thing will never change.. that i'll always be praying the same prayer and wishing the same wish every night before i go to sleep.

the nights.

i found these photos from my sister's yahoo photos... haha... few months back.. when everything looked and feel soooooo wonderful.... *evil grin*
i miss going out. hmm... it's been quite a while i didn't hang around at night. miss it though....


smacked.speeding?

at the cure..  

with henry, the director.. 

with dj wllythkd. 

william,debb, faz and denise.. 

mia and man.. 

with amin.. 

the spelling.

i just came back from dinner/supper/yamcha session with ming and michelle at hartamas square. ugh.. tonight will be the last night that i can habg out late. daddy said have to wait til cny... ughhhhh!!!!!! hmm...

heard some good news from ah kor... so happy for him...

that stupid yongjennhoel ffk me tonight and i'm gonna burn down his house soon...

hmm... despite what happened today, i still feel great. been better each day and i know that life's gonna be great this year. at least i started the year with good things happening most of the time.. and i'm gonna appreciate it to the max.

hmm... i miss going out with thecrackfamily....i miss tripping with them.. ugh.. ok.. i know it's not good.. but i miss it.


by the way, mich and ming.. this is how you spell cockroach. C.O.C.K.R.O.A.C.H. been cracking our heads off to spell this word just now... can't even spell it correctly.. and it shows how bad our english spelling is.

so i took some time to re-read those previous posts. and i hate to admit that what jennhoel told me before this was right. i hate it when he's always right. especially when it comes to predicting me... ugh..

i'm trying to let go the past. and in the meantime, i'm learning to love and to appreciate it. i don't want to be unfair to anybody. and i hope i'm not being unfair to anyone.

and i've learned a few things about myself... i've always been very certain and sure about certain issues.. and i've been quite impulsive on certain decisions that i've made... and i guess that is not a very good thing though. now, i think more before i voice out something.. unlike last time.. just say whatever that pops up my mind regardless good or bad.



ugh... i just finished talking to him.. miss him already.. oh.. he still owe me a big hug... *winkz*

the owl.

i can't sleep. must be the two cups of coffee the i had just now...

went for a movie. it's been a while since i been to the cinema. and i watched a sad ending comedy. ugh.

life's been unexpectedly great lately. at least i wake up everyday with a smile. but there are still a lot of things in my mind now though. some things that i can't help thinking. some things that is still bothering me despite the happiness that came to my life. it's still there. and i know it won't go away so soon.

i want to be the 'old' denise once again. the one who smile all day. laugh all night. the one who think less and enjoy the moment. the one who make everyone around her smile by just one look. the one who doesn't care about what other people think. the carefree denise. it's not the same anymore. i know it's never gonna be the same anymore.

i laughed too much lately. and i'm worried bout it. i laughed too much that i'm afraid that one day i'll cry hard. it always been that way. and i'm hardly wrong with my instinct.

i miss talking to jennhoel. he's too busy for me now that he's already have a girlfriend. i miss his companion. i miss his lectures. i miss those silent moments..

i miss my sister. i miss her attitude. i miss her sarcasm.

i miss hanging out with ann. i miss waiting for her to find the perfect word in our converstaion.

i miss all my stamford friends. especially keesin. i miss the way he crack jokes spontaneously. i miss eating breads in his car on the way back from college.

i miss my dog. [i'm still mad at dad, giving him away without moticing me..]

i miss tripping. [lol!!!] ok.. only a lil bit. i miss the way everything looked so nice and beautiful.

i miss being a teenager. i miss highschool, when everything is so simple and everyone is so naive. i miss bitching with my girlies. i miss pissing off the teachers who teaches the subjects that i don't like.

now, i seriously i miss sleeping and having sweet dreams.

the thoughts.

"he who makes her cry doesn't deserve to be with her."

and i believe that he won't make me drop a single tear of distress. his smile brings me joy. his laughter takes away my sorrow. he gives me unexpected happiness. but i'm afraid.. i wonder if it's gonna be just another sweet dream. if it is, i wish i will never wake up from it.

i've learned that nothing is fair in this world. but it's important to be fair to ourselves. be happy. and when happiness turns its back on you, that is the time to let go off it and start looking for other joys in life. i've learned that it's important to be happy before making others happy. that is what they call true happiness. no point making others happy if we are not. a fake smile doesn't make ourselves a better and happier person... it's only going to bring us more misery. be true to ourselves and things will slowly come our way.


[music on air]
something by jay chou.

[current mood]
better than ever.

[quote of the day]
love is never fair. but you have to be fair to love.

[next station]
sleep...

the hungry one.

i believe that when you hate someone so much that after a while, you'll forget the reason for hating them eventually. same goes for love. the more you love them, the more you find yourself doubting if it's the true feeling. so it's better to let things be the way they're supposed to be.

god! i'm so hungry now that i could eat three whole chickens!!

it's a dream.

sometimes, we can't be too selfish in a relationship. but it's always easier said than done. especially towards past relationships. you want them to move on, yet you don't want to know the details. part of you still miss everything that you had.. everything that you've been through together. but part of you tells you to forget and keep on walking.

i'm stucked in a relationship where no words can comfort me anymore. i don't even know if we're still in the relationship. i'm still stucked at the point where everything began. i'm not moving even a bit. because i still believe in it. but apparently, what i did is not right. he told me that i should move along. though it's without him at the moment. he told me that he's comfortable with what he have and had. he told me that he didn't change and he won't. he told me that he doesn't want me to put so much hope on something that is not certain. but what he said is not fair. does this means that he's not sure whether we'll meet at the end of the road?

i'm letting go.

a love so wonderful turned into a burden without realising.

i'm giving up.

it's only a promise that is never true.

i'm getting on. i know i'll be okay soon. i always do.



"there used to be people. people who used to listen. people who used to care. people who used to be there. there isn't anyone left. what's left is the memories. what's left is the footprints of the people who were once in my life. people who once touched my heart.

there used to be happiness. people who make my day by just one smile. people who make me smile by just one word. but time flies by as quickly as they come. and happiness flew away as sadness stopped by. those eyes once drop only joyful tears now filled with tears of misery."
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