what is love and relationship?

i woke up at 7a.m. this morning and i saw harvey online... we talked a while and i went back to sleep. things are totally different now. i don't know what is wrong with me.

i don't know who to turn to now. last weekend, i went to my sister's place for afterparty. so, i was sitting at the balcony of her 13th-floor condo alone, smoking a cigarette.. i was doing some thinking.. and i looked down at the swimming pool, which is not so far away from her block. as i was looking down, i wonder.. "how it's gonna be like to jump down from a tall building like this? what is the feeling when a person is going down?? how it feels when a person landed from the jump???" i was so curious that time.. and suddenly, i felt a chill from my neck down to my spine.. i got paranoid and went in the house to avoid other unthinkable scene to happen. it's funny how a person's mind work during certain times. and it's scary too..

so, few hours after that, i went back to the balcony for another cig.. this time, korkor is with me.. he knows i'm not feeling good. i told him i wanted to talk.. but nobody wants to listen anymore. he told me that he'll be there whenever possible.. and he told me.. "it's okay to let it out.. it's okay to tell me.. BUT.. no emo emo, no cry cry ah...." (hehe) he's nice.. though he's always with his harsh tone and all.. but that's just the way he brought himself in the public.. with his behaviour, people won't dare to undermine him.. i seriously respect him for being able to control his emotions well. (korkor, if you're reading this, i really meant what i said... love you!!! muahxxx!!!) so i told him what's bothering me.. too bad i didn't have the chance to finish what i was telling him.. but i'm sure there'll be next time.. *winkz*

one good thing i like bout hanging at my sister's place is that... her friends are super nice people.. i know they won't let me down (in terms of comforting and protecting me).. they really have the ability to make me forget bout my problems and enjoy myself..

i know they love me and they will protect me if whatever shit happens to me. *grins*

well, sometimes, i wonder what is a relationship.. and what is love...? i'm sure there are different interpretations on those terms..

just wanted to share my thoughts..

love is not about taking and keeping.. it is not about dominating and conquering.. not hoping too much.. not just waiting for something to happen.. not about "you" or "me"..

it's about giving and learning how to let go.. sharing and giving in.. to make things happen and go through it together.. it's about "us".. it's about understanding and not to take anything too personal.. it's about being sensitive and alert..


[music on air]
yesterday by the beatles.

[current mood]
lagging.

[quote of the day]
learn to stand up yourself after a fall, so that you won't be afraid of falling in the future.

[next station]
tv time...!

What Can Happen In A Week.

so i was trying to be a good daughter lately.. lol!! serious!! i stayed at home the whole weekend, i go to college everyday.. (well.. ok.. not today cos i skipped computer lab..), i go home after class.. i watch tv at home.. i hang around at home... well, the point is.. i didn't go out late at night already.. which, my dad thinks, is a good thing since i started class. and yea.. i kinda made a promise to people around me that i'm not going out on weekend nights until my holiday starts... bad promise eh?? but i still think that i can do it.. hopefully.. lol!!

so anyway, i've got my pc fixed... (thanks a bunch to jerome!!).. and finally, harvey responded to my "rage" by sending an offline text to me the other day. and yes.. we IM the day after and i felt better. and THAT was the only time that i feel good. and after that, all back to square one... -_-:

i'm so not going to try hard anymore.. i'm sick and tired of it.. i think i'll use another way to deal with this kind of situation.. which is..... to be a copy-cat.... simple right?? do what he's doing. he keep quiet, i'll shut my mouth.. i'll just follow what he's doing.. fair and square. he don't care, i'm not going to care too.. i've never believe in revenge, but sometimes, we really HAVE to be evil... sigh~


[music on air]
collide by howie day

[current mood]
better than worse

[quote of the day]
"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." - Theodore M Hesburgh

[next station]
zZzzzZZzZz

so, i went late to college today... class at 10a.m. but i reached there at 10.30a.m. went in the class, no chair, went next door to take one, he locked the door. ugh! so i decided to wait for the 2p.m class.. went to mid valley for lunch with amanda and daphne... went back college around 1.20p.m.. brad said wanna eat.. accompanied him but i decided not to go for the 2p.m. class since i was gonna be late.. so i waited at main block with brad's laptop.. thought of going for the 4p.m. class.. but then again.. the devil was right beside me, telling me not to go, better go home and sleep... aih... so i went to college for nothing today...

hmm..
too many things happened lately... but i think everything will be okay soon.. hopefully.... though things aren't always as good as it seems, but i think nothing is as bad either..



[music on air]
breathing by lifehouse.

[current mood]
swingy.

[quote of the day]
he could be anywhere in the world, but he chooses to be with her cos life is better with her by her side.

[next station]
knit.

merdeka eve after party... 

troubles, thoughts and feelings.

well, yesterday was fun. though unplanned, it went great. went to a production house's opening, there was a party there. at first, i thought it was bored, so me and fazral went to KJ for a drink. few hours after that, debb said it's happening. there's a dj spinning, so we went back there. it's unexpectedly fun. so i guess, everybody enjoyed the night though everything was last minute. after that, we went to another place, i forgot where it was.. i think it's somewhere in damansara perdana, nearby the production house. we chilled there for one or two hours i think.. everybody's so friendly though we just met. they're nice. we went back to fazral's place and i spent the night. poor Man, he waited for us at home the whole night. how i wished that he was there. at least he's one of a person whom i know there last night besides my sis, fazral, amin and korkor. met a few people though. they're nice too. i enjoyed it pretty much.

hmm... friendship.. it's something that you really can't predict. and most of the time, friendship is like a betrayal of all time. i mean.. it's ironic.. you trust them wholeheartedly, yet you can't trust them so much. i really don't understand.. how can a friend, a best friend, whom you know for years, all of a sudden, feel that you're not that good anymore. perhaps, that you're never good, even though he knows you very well? even though all this while, he tells you that you're actually a nice person, that you're different from others.. that's why he feels very comfortable talking to you.. but in a split second, you became a total stranger to him.. everything looks ugly.. and he don't see you like he always does.. in just a split second, you lose it... hmm.. and that's what you call friend. a friend who understand you the most. a friend who's there anytime, everytime. a friend who used to care. a friend who used to say that you're the only best girl friend that he can talk about almost anything and everything. a friend who did what normal friends doesn't do. a friend whom you trust the most.. turns out to be something that you never even expect... he just let you go.. when he knows that you're falling, he just let go off his hands and watch you fall hard on the ground... THAT'S a friend that i have. disappointed and clueless. i wish i know what's the reason behind all this.. i wish i know...

sigh~
i wish there's someone who can understand me and accept me for who i am. i wish there's someone whom i can talk to no matter what mood i have. i wish there's someone who can cuddle me and tell me everything's gonna be okay. i wish to be heard.. i prayed to God almost every night, and i wonder if He heard my prayers. i really wish that He does.


[current mood]
sober.

[quote of the day]
"To the world you might be one person, but to one person you just might be the world" (i wish this is true...)

[next station]
sleep.

disappointment.

i don't know how to feel anymore.

he don't see me the way he used to see me anymore. and i wonder why. no, i'm not talking bout harvey.. i'm talking bout my best friend. yes.. my best friend.. a friend who knows EVERYTHING. a friend who used to be there each and everytime. a friend who once cared. i don't know what i did wrong. i don't know what triggered the silent treatment. what i know is, i woke up one fine morning and found that he treated me differently already. no more silly jokes.. no more care.. no more love in this friendship.. perhaps he can't accept the way i am now. or perhaps he found another companion to replace me. or maybe he woke up one fine morning and found that i'm not his best friend anymore.. maybe we never were...

he told me once.. "friends comes and goes.. it's just the way they come and the way they go.. the time they come and the time they will go.." and i'm certain that i don't want to lose him like the way we're losing each other now. it's unfair. totally unfair. no sign, no warning.. not fair at all. he know me very well.. and he should know what's in my mind.. like the way he used to know everything just by looking at me without a word coming out from my mouth. sigh~ perhaps we're losing it already.. we used to listen to each other's silence.. now.. not anymore.. i wonder why.. and i wish i know the answer..


[music on air]
ai, hen jian dan by david tao (it's our song..at least it used to be..)

[current mood]
not any better.

[quote of the day]
"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." Martin Luther King

[next station]
maple-ing~

more thoughts..

ok.. finally there's time for me to write something here.. was quite busy lately so i kept the past entry short.. anyway.. there lotsa things that i wanna write down.. just don't know where to start.. guess i'll just write anything that crossed my mind..

well.. talked to azuree few weeks back.. and she taught me lots bout handling relationships.. tho i didn't really follow 100% what she said.. but then, i take it as a guidance for future reference.. most of the things that she told me was kinda true though i personally didn't really agree at first..

hmm.. like i said, life's not bored.. yet not so colorful.. but i'm fitting in.. trying hard to fit in since harvey went to NY.. at first, i thought i won't fit in.. i thought i won't get used to it.. i thought i can't live without him.. but as time passes by.. it's not as hard as i thought.. sure enough, there are times where i got really emotional and really feel like seeing him and talk to him, but i couldn't get him... i feel sad.. and disappointed at the same time.. at those moments, i thought, "what's the difference of being single if the situation is like this??" but then again... i chose to start this relationship despite knowing that he's going to fly. and when i thought of the reason we started it, all my senses came flying back to me.. i told myself once again, "you knew it's gonna be like this.. just fit yourself in and things will work out as time goes by.." and now.. i don't dwell on it so much anymore.. at the end of the day, whatever the outcome is, i have nothing to lose.. it's either we'll be together after few years or we'll go on with our seperate lives after few months.. as long as i do whatever is right, and whatever i thought is good for myself, i know, harvey will not stop me.

thinking bout harvey makes me sad sometimes... and sometimes, i don't know whether to be angry at him or to understand the situation... sigh~ and talking bout him now makes me miss him more..

i don't know myself so much anymore lately.. felt strange yet familiar..

i told myself not to care so much anymore.. but everytime i said that, without realising, i'm actually caring more.. sigh~

i'm so disappointed... in a lot of things... friends, boyfriend... myself.. surprisingly, i found myself loving my sister more lately.. and i miss her.. and mommy too...

i guess i better stop writing before i start crapping non stop..


[music on air]
judge jules cd.

[current mood]
better than bad.

[next station]
layan emo.

ninie, debb, man and denise.

happy~ 

on the wheel.. 

on the way.... 

sleeping beauty.. 

happily laying on man in the car.. 

at last, we reached there after two hours drive.. 

before party..