After A Long Hiatus.

It's been a while since I last posted anything here.

Too caught up with stuffs... mostly work and just living my life undocumented.

Reading back old posts and looking at past years photos got me jealous of my old self. "Was I THAT happening last time?" LOL. I used to be so active, going everywhere, doing random stuffs and I had so much energy. Now, I just prefer sitting at home doing nothing. Yes. Nothing. Well, except for occasionally bringing out my niece and nephew for lunch with grandma and aunts, my life for the past year was just working and staying in. Nothing much interesting happened. It's kind of like a soul-searching year for me. I'll try to document more here, as I find that my memory keeps failing me so it's good that I do it more, haha! I read back some of the posts here and I can't even remember certain things happened. LOL.

Well, work is hectic but still bearable. It's so flexible that I can work from anywhere during prep and non-event days. I mostly work at home and I told myself that I'm taking this as an opportunity to rest before I'm back on my foot again. It's good. After so many years of working in strict-and-full-of-office-politics environments, I got tired and it got me thinking, so what if I made a lot of money but I'm not enjoying it? I'm not happy and I'm stressed most of the time and all we (colleagues) do was to bitch about things that we actually can make changes to if we made our effort and have a little courage to change ourselves. So I made the decision that makes most sense to me. I quit and took the leap of faith. Not knowing what will happen, not knowing if I can ever find any suitable job or if anyone would want to hire me. And until today, I still thank God that I found it. I chose the least favorite option that most people would. In return, I have a lot of freedom in terms of work schedule, working style and most importantly being trusted. I'm not earning a lot more than before, but I gain more in terms of personal development and experience. Many friends were shocked when I told them I took a 60% pay cut. I don't mind it. Seriously, at that point of time, all I wanted/needed was good rest and pull myself out of the bad system. I'm glad that I did. I'm so much happier now.

One year passed and it feels like just yesterday. They said happy times passed quickly. Indeed.

So to everyone (anyone?) that are still coming back here to read my updates, thank you. I wish everyone to just take your time, do the things that you love most. Don't be afraid of changes. After all, God has planned for us in His way.

Are you living your dream?

For me, I don’t think I am. Not yet. Not even sure if it’s near.

I envy those who are courageous enough to take the big giant step of their lives, chasing their dreams, fulfilling their goals in life, living the way they want, enjoying every moment of the path they chosen.

That big giant step is a leap that not everyone dares to take. At least to me, it isn’t easy.

Many times, I looked back and wondered… “What if…”s

What if I never do this? What if I never do that? What if I did that? What will happen if…. And the questions went on and on…

Most of the time, I’d end up accepting the answers by convincing myself that everything is better now than whatever it was. I’d give myself an answer that I wanted to hear.

But the truth is… am I really accepting it?

Am I living the life that I intended to? Am I enjoying it? How do I achieve what I dreamed of? Am I dreaming too big? Or am I just being a coward?

Why didn’t I have enough of that courage to take the path not taken? What stopped me? Why I worried so much back then? Why is it getting more difficult now than before? Is it because of aging? Maturity? The older I get, the less courageous I am? Or perhaps the older I get, the more rational I am?

Rational? What is rationality? How does someone justify that whatever I’m doing is rational or not?

In the end, the basic rule of living, to me, is… just to be happy.

But what is happiness?

Being contented? Having great friends? Making lots of money? Being loved?

What is it?

I envy those who love their lives. Enjoying them like there’s no tomorrow.

How do they do that? Are they not worried at all? How do they find balance?

I believe that He has a plan for me. But the thing is… what is IT?

I'm Not Dead (yet)-lah...

Ah. How I missed writing here.

Been on a slight hiatus due to (well, some of you might have known) change of environment aka new job. Heh.

Still settling down here at the new office. Missing my partner in crime at the old office. Missing those carefree days. Missing those very flexible people that I used to work with. Missing cheap food and cheaper parking…. Well, compared to now lah.

Not that I’m complaining la.. I’ve always believe that “you lose some, you gain some”.

Been very tied up at work now. So many things that I need to catch up with. So many things that I need to follow up. Split me in 3 please. Ahh. I guess I’ve been quite spoilt for the past two and a half years. Ahaks! :P

Well.. time to reactivate my brain. “I can do it!!”

So much has happened last year.

A lot of unexpected stuff.

Some good, some bad, and a lot of “unable to categorize”.

Sigh.

Anyway, I’ll be back on track. Tons of photos yet to be edited. Meh.

I’ll be back.

Wait for me…

Past Tense.

Whatever happened to 2011?

Exactly around the same time last year, I reflected my past year.

I still feel that I’ve achieved nothing. Though there ARE actually some improvements… like passing the JLPT, getting a house, exploring new hobby, deciding on what I really want… But really, other than that, I still kinda feel the same.

Maybe, just maybe, I have changed a little bit and shifted some priorities.

Last year to me, was a roller coaster ride.

More like a soul-searching year for me.

I’m still unsure if I’ve found my soul or lost it.

I guess the only thing that never changed about me is the indecisiveness.

Fear of the unknown.

I admit that I’m not as strong as a lot of people out there. I’m not as courageous.

Year 2011 though, was a year full of surprises. Made me realized how ignorant and insensitive I’ve been all along. Found out some facts that, given a chance, I’d prefer not knowing. It has became a struggle ever since, to try to maintain what’s supposed to be. But things changed. Forever.

But on a bright side though, this year will be a better year, hopefully. Started off with a new opportunity in hand, I can only wish that things will turn out better than ever.

Grace.

A reminder to myself to say a little prayer every day, to thank God and be grateful to be able to receive beautiful gifts like this more often than I deserve. To remind myself not to take things for granted.

This Year To Me.

So, I’ve been less talkative here lately compared to previous years. Guess I’ve shifted from writing my thoughts to capturing moments, or rather, my emotions.

Been discovering my kinda-newly-found hobby and it’s really, better than writing. Since most of the time I don’t know how to write it out, now I just post images. Most images might not mean anything to anyone, but it contains stories behind it, at least to me it does mean something.

Years later, I might not remember why I capture those images or maybe, I’d see different meaning behind it. Maybe I’d feel different.

I don’t know.

Anyway, since I’m in a writing mood, let’s see what I’ve been achieving this year. Can’t believe that it’s already December. So soon!

Early this year, I made a resolution. Or you can say, I recycled my past years resolution. Haha!

Hmm. Let’s see if I managed to keep my promises...

- Going to gym regularly. (I actually managed to keep this routine. Until August. Shame on me. I blame it to work and laziness. Haha. Ever since the Puasa month, we stopped gym. Sigh. Well, bright side, at least we maintained it for 8 months.. heh.)

- Settle the debts. (I actually DID settle more than half of it. But then I took up a lifetime-debt commitment by purchasing a house. *dread*)

- Saving for rainy days. (Clearly this didn’t happen. Refer to reason above. #foreverindebt)

- Passing Level N5 of JLPT. (Proud to say I passed.. ngek ngek ngek! Probably the ONLY thing I managed to achieve this year.)

- To finish reading all the 30+ books (I only managed to finish ONE book. And bought at least another 8? Boo! But I’m going to read more now, I promise…)

- To be more focused. (Meh… no comment.)

I guess nothing much changed huh? I’m still a procrastinator and a liar. *boo!

Still don’t have much determination to complete simple things.

I guess it’s right to say that I’ve never wanted something so badly to be determined enough to achieve it.

Anyway, a lot has happened this year.

Along the way, I’ve learned so much about myself.

I’ve picked up a new hobby, met new friends, discovered ugly human characters, getting out of the comfort zone (almost there..), made new promises to myself, found unexpected surprises, giving up treasures, keeping sweet memories and the most memorable experience was being introduced to a faithful invisible friend and I loved all the stories being told to me. It kinda changed my perspective towards certain things.

I guess we’ll never feel blissful until we lose something precious or experienced a downfall.

I can only wish that the coming years will treat me good.

Crossroads.

This is a turning point.

Where majority will most likely try to avoid as much as they can, well, I did tried to avoid it but I guess it’s time to just face the harsh reality.

It takes a lot of courage, at least to me it does.

Putting so many possibly good things at risk. Well, it’s only possibilities after all. *shrug* So why not just do it since life is all about risks and possibilities?

“A simple decision will affect your life. Does it worth the risk?”

Hmm. I don’t know. But RIGHT NOW, I think it’s best for me. I don’t know if I will ever regret it at all in the future. But at least for now, I feel it’s better this way.

Who knows what the future is like right?

Maybe I’m destined to take a long winding road before I reach the destination?

Maybe I’m destined to take the opposite direction?

I don’t know.

Maybe there’s no destiny or destination at all.

It’s all only my imagination.

Right.

So what happens after this?

I wonder if things will be different at all if things didn’t happened this way.

Perhaps what others see is clearer than what I’m seeing? Am I blinded by a lot of things that affect my judgment?

*shrug*

Since one cannot have the best of both worlds, I guess it’s time for me to be a little selfish.

To be a little independent.

To just don’t care.

So I guess the best solution now is taking a step back and ponder…

What is the right thing to do?

Living the mediocre life where you will be accepted by majority or living the blissful life where you will be out casted by them?

No matter which one you choose, at the end of the day, there’ll still be unhappiness.

But let’s just put the unhappiness aside and think.

Why do we need approval from the whole world of what we do? Who set the rules of what is accepted and what is not? Just because majority doesn’t think that it’s right doesn’t makes it wrong, no?

It’s easy to say that we don’t have to care what others says, as long as we do what we think is right for us and just be happy. But who are we kidding when we say that we shouldn’t care? Deep down inside, we cared a lot about others opinion. We cared about how others see us. We give a lot of damn about how others judge us. We cared because we’re all egoistic. Though in actual fact, really, no matter what you do, others opinions are not important. How they see us is really up to them. How they want to be judgmental is really none of our business. So it all goes back to the point… just don’t fucking care. Because at the end of the day, they too, don’t give a fuck after they voiced out what’s in their mind. They don’t give a fuck after saying hurtful things, scaring you with the worst possible thing that they imagined could happen to you. They just don’t give a fuck cos they’re just being courteous or trying to show that they’re being modest. So after all that, what will happen? Nothing. Everyone will go back to where they are. Overtime, they will forget what they said to you. They won’t remember whatever things that happened to you. Because they are not you. They don’t go through the shit that you’re experiencing.

So, happy or not, is not others to judge but ourselves.

22 July 2011


Lately I’ve been trying to look at things that I’ve kept away for a very long time.

Things that I tried to keep it away from surfacing.

Little things that I chose not to mention. Things that I chose to forget.

Little things that I tried convincing myself that it’s okay to be kept away.

And now, that treasure box filled with those little little things couldn’t take in any more of it and I have to reluctantly take those little things out one by one, to reorganize, and to decide what to keep and what not worth keeping anymore.

Which gives a little cringe every time I took out something.

Each and every bit of it means something. It’s hard to take all of it out and scrutinize one by one. I realized that it’s even harder to decide which ones to keep, and which ones to abandon.

Always easier said than done. *shrug*

I’ve come to a point where I’m not sure if all of it means anything at all. Does it ever? If it doesn’t, then why am I still holding on to it?

I really want to change things.

I really wished that things are different.

I wished all of it was just a dream so I can wake up from it and forget everything. Forget how I felt. Forget all the words that I’ve heard. Forget all the things that happened before my eyes.

I wished to just forget.