pre-thirdniversary thoughts.

Two more months till our thirdniversary.

How time flies.

October 2005 is the first time we met each other.

Our relationship progressed very fast and on New Year 2006, we’re officially dating each other.

I don’t remember if I posted up anything about him previously. Like how we met, how we started, etc..

Actually, I kind of avoid writing about it on purpose.

I noticed that I’ll write every thing in detail about my previous relationships and every time I turn back and read those entries again, I felt like I’m ALWAYS contradicting myself. And every time I re-read those entries, I’ll go “how ironic!!”

So I made a pact to myself that I’ll try to refrain myself from writing too much about Smelly in my blog.

Funny how things turned out.

When I look back what happened within these two years we’ve been together, it’s very funny and surreal.

I never imagined myself to be THIS relationship for so long. The more unserious I want it to be, the more serious this relationship turned out.

I never thought that I’d be able to stand up again and continue walking THE PATH with him so far. The more I wanted to stop walking, the further I walked with him instead.

I always thought that I could be alone. Without him. I always thought that it doesn’t matter if he’s not by my side. I even thought that it’s okay to live without him.

I was wrong.

The more I wanted to be alone, the more I felt that I needed him around.

The more I wanted him to leave me alone for his games/work/whatever, the more I wanted him to be there, even if it means boredom.

The more I wanted to get him out of my life, the more important he became.

We’re just like any other couple.

We hang out with friends a lot, we watch movies some times, we do shopping together, we argue over silly things (like why am I so fat! And how inconsiderable of him, disapproving my already SLIM figure..) Seriously, besides me getting fatter/heavier AND spending without really checking my bank balance, there is really nothing for us to argue about. I used to silently wish that we argued a lot… just to spice things up. But it almost never happens.

If you ask me how my relationship is.. I really can’t answer. I can say it’s boring. But somehow when I say it’s boring, it turns out to be quite out of the norm (at least for me, I felt it’s a bit abnormal la..)

How can a couple never argue? [Too bored to start an argument? Too tired to care?]

How can a guy never get jealous? [Does he really care? or he’s just too confident?]

How can a girl let his guy hang out with whomever without her?

How can a guy never call to check on his girl every time she’s out, even after midnight? [Trust? Or careless?]

How can a couple trust each other so much that they never rarely question each other’s doing/behavior?

How can a couple be SO comfortable with each other that they don’t feel embarrassed anymore even if it means smelly farts or stinky feet?

How can a couple never get angry at each other for more than TEN FIVE minutes?

How can all these be love?

It’s SO BORING!

It’s so….

NOTHING.

Is this even normal?

Is every couple out there facing similar situation like me too?

Or is it just us?

Should I feel happy and glad that I don’t have a naggy/possessive/care-less/abusive/weird/monster boyfriend?

Should I feel blessed that at least we know each other well?

I think I should.

Maybe I should.

But..

Do we REALLY know each other very well? Or is it just because it’s becoming a routine? Is this love? Or is this companionship? Are love and companionship meant to go along with each other? Does this mean companionship is part of love? Maybe it’s just the same thing after all.

Ironically, even when the third year is approaching, I still feel like it’s only yesterday. I felt like there are still a lot of things that I still need to learn about him. Third anniversary only happen once. And how many more anniversaries we’ll be celebrating together?

There are times when I silently think… If one day I woke up knowing that he’s not in this world anymore, what will I do? What will I be? Can I cope? Can I move on? How can he leave first? I cannot say I’m 100% sure that I cannot live without him. But I’m definitely sure that live won’t be the same without his presence.

IF he’s not here anymore, can I find another partner like him? Do I WANT to have another partner like him? Will I be happier without him? Or will my live turn upside down?

What if I’m the one who’s gone? Will he lead a happier life after me? Can he move to the next station safely without me? Will he stay put or board another train to the next destination to forget about me? About us..

These are questions that will surface once in a while. And today is one of those days. I’ll think deep and feel terribly sad about it and after a good sleep, I’ll forget the answers to those mysterious questions.

Am I feeling paranoid? I’m not sure.

Does every girl thinks like me when they’re in a relationship?

Tell me this is normal.