after party.. 

camera freak.. 

me and korkor.. 

me and man after party.. 

disappointed..

wonderful weekend at PD Recharge Relevation 3.... well.. the day started slow though... had to wake up at 8 am, rushed to college to take my exam.. then wait for my brother in law to pick me up and go PD together... started work at 6pm that day.. (i sell tix for the party that night..) finish selling tix around 12, went in and joined my sister... it was a wonderful night... despite a few fights and going in late.. and yeah.. i get to ride on the Ferris Wheel..!!!!! (and i don't know why i keep on saying that it's a Merry-Go-Round... haha!! ) it's really REALLY nice!!!! i never rode a Ferris Wheel at 3 o'clock in the morning..!! haha!! wonderful... extremely wonderful night.... better than zoukfest.... but it's a lil hot and humid tho...


life's not so bored.. yet not so colorful.. i started to hate people now.. i don't know why... disappointed with people whom is once important.. once close... once cared...

ugh... i don't feel like talking so much now... better take some rest...



[music on air]
some trance.

[current nood]
swinging.

[quote of the day]
friends can chew you up and spit you out.

[next station]
sleep.

what is it?

so here i am, writing this again..

again, i wonder where my life is leading me.. too much happened lately.. no time to sit down and think about everything..

there ARE some things that happened and i felt sorry that it happened. and i felt sorry that it ended so soon.. now when i think of it, i wished it never happened.

i've been falling all my life (well, that's what i think most of the time..) and it never really hurts.. (now, i'm talking about falling literally, not physically.. like falling for something, someone..etc..) this time, i fell hard.. and i never thought falling is so hurtful until recently. i didn't even realise that i fell until something happened. and just when i thought that i can toss away those old-precious-not-so-sure-if-there-is-still-hope memories and promises, i fucked things up.. with just a few simple questions and a few simple thoughts. now, i wished i never asked those questions and thought of those thoughts. perhaps things will be different.. but then again... i was relieved and thankful that i speaked up. and that i've questioned my doubts. at least i'm the only one who's hurt. can't be too selfish sometimes, right? now, i felt sorry that things aren't going to be the same anymore.. and if i can just turn back time, i would keep myself from falling.

things are much more different now (despite my swollen ankle.. -_-") i wonder how long will i take to climb back to the top once again..



[music on air]
drifting by yellowcard.

[current mood]
better than worse.

[quote of the day]
The worst form of inequality is to try to make unequal things equal.

[next station]
sleep.

this is how my ankle looks like.... just look at the difference between left and right foot.. damn.. 

trippin' and fallin' all over everywhere..

i think august is a jinx/falling month for me.. sigh~ last week, i tripped and fell in front of the toilet at zouk mainroom. yesterday, i went to Yee Meng's bday dinner, at first at Anson's house, there's a glass door at the tv room, i was holding the door cos i'm talking to my friend, was about to go out from the room, i slipped my hand and the door closed and the edge of the glass door hit my toes. ugh! that is okay since it's not painful.. then at the restaurant, there's stairs going up, i NEARLY feel, but i managed to hold onto the handle. and that is not it.. went to velvet with ann later on. the whole night, when i walk, i nearly tripped.. then after that i sent ann home and went back to zouk to pass some stuff to my sis cos she went there late. i went to the office to make a phone call, and when i'm on my way down, just right at the turning point of the stairs, i don't know how, i misplaced my left foot , tripped and fell... this time, not flat on my face. i managed to hold onto the walls beside me. luckily, miza was just about to go up and she saw me tripped. it was not so painful that time, she massaged my ankle a while and gave me some ice to rub over.. after a while, i can walk.. i can even run to my sister's car!! i went home after that. and this morning.... whoa!!! never felt so painful after tripping.. i've been tripping and falling all the time, but it never really hurt. but this time, i got a shock of my life when i saw my ankle. it's HUGE. i mean.. it's swollen.. and it hurts terribly... i can't even walk. my!! and i thought i'm fine last night.. today, i can barely move my feet, afraid of the pain.. -_-: a lesson to learn.. must look at the floor while walking in dark places..

been quite emotional lately.. not so happy.. but the heck.. nobody cares anymore.. well... guess i'll stop writing for now. getting tired of thinking..


[music on air]
i try by macy gray

[current mood]
emo

[quote of the day]
safety first!!!!!

[next station]
try to study..

sigh~

i'm still in a confusion..

i don't know how to think right.

i'm cracked.. haha..

well.. i thought miracle finally happen to me.. but.. nah... i don't think that miracle will happen anytime soon.. perhaps later.. not just yet. (i still believe in miracle though..)

like usual, i fucked things up. i messed everything. i'm the queen of ruining things.. yay!

things happens.. shit happens.. and i think now, i'm taking it.. i mean.. i don't really bother too much bout shits like i used to anymore..

i feel less.. care less.. think more.. sleep more.. now.


[music on air]
some house.

[current mood]
depressed.

[quote of the day]
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

[next station]
sleep.

confusions...

well, i had a pretty great weekend though. went to zouk for the velvet member's party with my sis, fazral, man, acap (my korkor), yee meng, wei leng, kristen and swee sum.. well, met car lock at mainroom.. tak sangka can bump into him.. what a small world.. well, the party was okay.. went to my sister's place after that.. haha.. went home around 10a.m the next morning, took my shower and off to work i go... and yeah, can you believe it?? i actually left my bag in the office the whole night. i totally forgot bout my bag when we get out from the club.. whoa.. and guess what? denise, a 20 year-old girl, walking to the ladies at zouk mainroom and phooofff... tripped over the steps and fell flat on her knees in front of everybody... WHOA.....!! it was so embarassing okay.......!?!! cis!! stupid shades... -_-:

well.. lotsa things happened to me in the past two weeks... hmm... confused... still confused... i don't know what to feel anymore weh......... i don't know what to do... totally speechless myself... aih!!!!




[music on air]
some trance.

[current mood]
very the confused.

[quote of the day]
Love starts with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear.

[next station]
zzzZZzZzzZzzzzZz

i don't know what i'm thinking lately.. perhaps i'm not thinking at all..

i started to get tired. getting tired of waiting. getting tired of being nice. getting tired of trying hard.

i had a dream last night. i dreamt that harvey came back. and he insisted to stay at my place, of course, i'm very happy. so, i went to work and he stayed at home. when i got back, he's not there. i start to search for him everywhere. i continue to search and searh. but the alarm woke me up. that's when i realised that it was a dream. i went back to sleep. started to dream again. in that dream, i continued looking for him. i stayed in that dream for very long time. hoping to finally found him. but i didn't. so you see, in reality, it's almost the same. he came into my life and stayed a while. but he had to go. now, i can't even give him a call whenever i want, like i used to. sometimes, i thought that i tried too hard to maintain this relationship. but then, i realised that perhaps i'm not doing good enough. and sometimes, i feel that i'm the only one who is trying to maintain it. but again, i realised that perhaps i should understand the situation better. sigh~ i don't know.

i told everybody i'm fitting in. at first, i said that to make myself feel better and not to worry my friends. now, i'm really fitting in. i guess it's the tiredness that draws me to adapting myself without my own will. i started to feel less bout everything. i don't remember what it's like to walk hand-in-hand. i don't remember what it's like to have hand to hold when i'm asleep. i don't remember what it's like to be hugged real tight. i don't remember what it's like to drop a tear from too much of missing. i don't remember what it's like to be cared for. i almost forgot what it's like to be loved and in love. but the thing that i never forget is to love harvey with all my heart despite all the things i listed down above.


[music on air]
some trance.

[current mood]
down.

[quote of the day]
sometimes you have to stand alone to make sure you still can.

[next station]
work.

friend.

went to watch movie with yee meng, zhen bin, steve etc. in the afternoon..went to work after that. reached store around 5.saw the schedule.. and to my surprise, i supposed to work at 12pm..not 7pm.. -_-: nobody informed me.. nobody made the effort to call me.. aih.. but luckily agnes told me there's two partners MC for closing shift, so i can work closing shift. but after thinking, i told her that i'll work from 6-11... but then i went back at 10.. haha.. too tired to work.. no point working like a cow.. damn shorthanded.. damn tiring.. went to have dinner and supper with yee meng after that.. haha.. (go out with him, sure eat...)

sensed there's something wrong with jenn hoel. but i don't know what it is. saw him today to return his watch. he acted very cool. and it hurt a lil. he's been showing those faces since yesterday, after the futsal game. something's bothering him. and i don't know what. seems frustrated though.

yee meng brainwashed me since yesterday. bout the belly piercing. he told me it's not nice, not good, painful, etc... now, i'm having double thought bout having my belly pierced..

miss harvey though. hope he liked the photo i sent him..

i'm tired.


[music on air]
qing tian by jay zhou.

[current mood]
dreamy.

[quote of the day]
don't be so fake. just be yourself.

[next station]
sleep.

finally, got my results.

so, i went to college today with yee meng. saw my results on the board.. happy but disappointed at the same time. as i expected, i failed my Law assignment. so, i have to do and submit the assignment again.. of course, different question la.. heh..

went for a movie with yee meng after that. watched Hostage. not bad, but lotsa people died in that movie.. hmm.. went for dinner near my house with jenn hoel, yee meng and adrian.. rushed back home to watch CSI finale, but my dad's workers are watching halfway, i found that it's not nice to change the channel, so i'll have to wait for the repeat later...

going for movie again tomorrow...... heh... maybe going to pierce my belly with azuree after movie.. can't wait for it... :P

oh yeah, i finally told harvey what i did wrong.. hehe.. felt better after telling him.. at least i don't feel bad or guilty for keeping things from him.. i just can't keep things away from him.. anyway,he didn't really commented much, he's sleepy when i called him up.. but i'm pretty sure that he'll give me a full-lecture if he's not tired.. but then again, he told me that he can't say much cos at the end of the day, i'm the one who make the final decision. good or bad, i'm old and mature enough to think myself..he said that he don't want to be dominant.. cos it's unfair.. but when i told him that i liked him to be dominant, he said "ok, don't do it then.".. haha.. so i told him that i'll try to do as he told me to.. (at the end of the day, i'm still the one who make decision... -_-: hmm...)

i love harvey more now..



[music on air]
An Hao by Jay Zhou.

[quote of the day]
thou shall not be afraid of loneliness.

[current mood]
good.

[next station]
tv time~

so here i am, sitting in front of the pc, blogging again.. i just came home.. went out with jenn hoel again.. accompanied him to have his dinner at some mamak in OUG.. the food there is not delicious at all.. argued with him earlier cos i said i wanted to go Steven's Corner and he said he don't want.. God knows why.. (he keep on saying "i just don't wanna go there.." "you don't understand me..".. i wonder why.. they have nicer food there...) -_-: went for a ride after that... i drove to somewhere inside of OUG, dead end.. turned out to Puchong,dead end.. made a U-turn to Pantai Hillpark... (i miss that place a lot... bring back some sweet memories.. i miss my baby)... made another U-turn to Brickfields, then to Taman Seputeh (another dead end...) then to the hill behind my house.. like usual, stopped by and smoked a lil.. watched the incomplete full moon.. sing some stupid song.. then went back.. jenn slept through almost the entire journey.. "i don't want to think of anything, that's why i sleep.. but i know you met a lot of dead ends.." he told me.. even though he joked a lot, i can sense that he's unhappy lately.. but i'm not sure what it is.. i've always thought that i understand him.. but i doubted that.. i don't know what's in his mind.. but i'm sure i can sense his feelings.. i'm just not sure what it is.. i don't ask a lot, and he don't talk much bout it. that's us.. we don't have to say things out loud, just be there to listen to each other's silence and that's more than enough.. he's my best buddy. and i'm not ready to lose him and nobody can replace him even though he's not there for me anymore. i know that one day, we'll be apart from each other's world, busy with ourselves.. and finally start to care less bout each other.. but that ONE day, will not be soon.. and even if the day comes, we'll still have each other in our hearts.. it's a promise that we never make, but knew it perfectly well.. "friends come and go.. it's just the way they come and the way they go.. when they come, and when they will go.." that's what he said to me two years back when i had the worse day of my life.. i'll never forget this ever..

i wonder how my life will be in the future. i'm pretty sure that lotsa things will change.. i'll meet new people, and i'll have to let some of the old ones go. i'll learn more, and i hope that i'll never forget things.. important things. but i'm still not sure which path it will lead me to.. the one that i've always dream of, or the one destined by God from the day i born?

i read back the journal that i wrote since the past few years.. i realised how drastic a person's feelings can change in short period of time. an almost perfect love can turn into total hatred in a blink of an eye.. i realised how fast i can actually change. and how long it took me to stand up after a fall.. it scared me a lil..

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately.. i recall back those times that i've shared with harvey. thinking back, it's kinda sad in a happy way.. funny how we met.. funny how things turned out.. went through a lot without realising.. and i guess i know when it all started.... it is since the day we met... and i'm glad that we met.. though i fucked things up a lil along the way.. but i'm glad how things turned out to be.. *grin*


[music on air]
collide by howie day.

[curent mood]
uhm.. great, i guess..

[quote of the day]
the cure for lovesick is always tears..

[next station]
dreamworld.

thoughts.

simplicity sometimes may lead to complication.. that's how i feel bout myself.. being too simple and ended up feeling complicated and confused..

i read something in a book.. and i really liked it..

"Love is tricky. It is never mundane or
daily. You can never get used to it. You have to walk with it, then let it walk
with you. You can never balk. It moves you like the tide. It takes you out to
the sea, then lays you on the beach again. Today's struggling pain is the
foundation for certain stride through the heavens. You can run from it but you
can never say no. It includes everyone."

i thought of harvey. and our relationship.. where it has led us.. and where it's leading us.. it convinces me that whatever that i have to go through now will make me stronger and somehow, i can feel that good things are waiting ahead of me.. perhaps our absence is to make our love stronger.. God put us into this situation to test us out. to test our strength. to see how we believe in each other. to guide us. to make us appreciate more and complain less.

this is a book's capability to influence ones mind. how it can change ones perception of certain issues. how it can open up ones heart and soul.

and i wonder now,why it took me so long to realise certain things.. certain issues.. always worrying about something untrue.. worrying about some thoughts which is unreal.. now i can see how deep i've dwelt on silliness.


[music on air]
blurry by puddle of mud

[current mood]
so-so

[quote of the day]
too much happiness always overflows into tears of sorrow.

[next station]
sleep.....