mia and man.. 

with amin.. 

the spelling.

i just came back from dinner/supper/yamcha session with ming and michelle at hartamas square. ugh.. tonight will be the last night that i can habg out late. daddy said have to wait til cny... ughhhhh!!!!!! hmm...

heard some good news from ah kor... so happy for him...

that stupid yongjennhoel ffk me tonight and i'm gonna burn down his house soon...

hmm... despite what happened today, i still feel great. been better each day and i know that life's gonna be great this year. at least i started the year with good things happening most of the time.. and i'm gonna appreciate it to the max.

hmm... i miss going out with thecrackfamily....i miss tripping with them.. ugh.. ok.. i know it's not good.. but i miss it.


by the way, mich and ming.. this is how you spell cockroach. C.O.C.K.R.O.A.C.H. been cracking our heads off to spell this word just now... can't even spell it correctly.. and it shows how bad our english spelling is.

so i took some time to re-read those previous posts. and i hate to admit that what jennhoel told me before this was right. i hate it when he's always right. especially when it comes to predicting me... ugh..

i'm trying to let go the past. and in the meantime, i'm learning to love and to appreciate it. i don't want to be unfair to anybody. and i hope i'm not being unfair to anyone.

and i've learned a few things about myself... i've always been very certain and sure about certain issues.. and i've been quite impulsive on certain decisions that i've made... and i guess that is not a very good thing though. now, i think more before i voice out something.. unlike last time.. just say whatever that pops up my mind regardless good or bad.



ugh... i just finished talking to him.. miss him already.. oh.. he still owe me a big hug... *winkz*

the owl.

i can't sleep. must be the two cups of coffee the i had just now...

went for a movie. it's been a while since i been to the cinema. and i watched a sad ending comedy. ugh.

life's been unexpectedly great lately. at least i wake up everyday with a smile. but there are still a lot of things in my mind now though. some things that i can't help thinking. some things that is still bothering me despite the happiness that came to my life. it's still there. and i know it won't go away so soon.

i want to be the 'old' denise once again. the one who smile all day. laugh all night. the one who think less and enjoy the moment. the one who make everyone around her smile by just one look. the one who doesn't care about what other people think. the carefree denise. it's not the same anymore. i know it's never gonna be the same anymore.

i laughed too much lately. and i'm worried bout it. i laughed too much that i'm afraid that one day i'll cry hard. it always been that way. and i'm hardly wrong with my instinct.

i miss talking to jennhoel. he's too busy for me now that he's already have a girlfriend. i miss his companion. i miss his lectures. i miss those silent moments..

i miss my sister. i miss her attitude. i miss her sarcasm.

i miss hanging out with ann. i miss waiting for her to find the perfect word in our converstaion.

i miss all my stamford friends. especially keesin. i miss the way he crack jokes spontaneously. i miss eating breads in his car on the way back from college.

i miss my dog. [i'm still mad at dad, giving him away without moticing me..]

i miss tripping. [lol!!!] ok.. only a lil bit. i miss the way everything looked so nice and beautiful.

i miss being a teenager. i miss highschool, when everything is so simple and everyone is so naive. i miss bitching with my girlies. i miss pissing off the teachers who teaches the subjects that i don't like.

now, i seriously i miss sleeping and having sweet dreams.

the thoughts.

"he who makes her cry doesn't deserve to be with her."

and i believe that he won't make me drop a single tear of distress. his smile brings me joy. his laughter takes away my sorrow. he gives me unexpected happiness. but i'm afraid.. i wonder if it's gonna be just another sweet dream. if it is, i wish i will never wake up from it.

i've learned that nothing is fair in this world. but it's important to be fair to ourselves. be happy. and when happiness turns its back on you, that is the time to let go off it and start looking for other joys in life. i've learned that it's important to be happy before making others happy. that is what they call true happiness. no point making others happy if we are not. a fake smile doesn't make ourselves a better and happier person... it's only going to bring us more misery. be true to ourselves and things will slowly come our way.


[music on air]
something by jay chou.

[current mood]
better than ever.

[quote of the day]
love is never fair. but you have to be fair to love.

[next station]
sleep...

the hungry one.

i believe that when you hate someone so much that after a while, you'll forget the reason for hating them eventually. same goes for love. the more you love them, the more you find yourself doubting if it's the true feeling. so it's better to let things be the way they're supposed to be.

god! i'm so hungry now that i could eat three whole chickens!!

it's a dream.

sometimes, we can't be too selfish in a relationship. but it's always easier said than done. especially towards past relationships. you want them to move on, yet you don't want to know the details. part of you still miss everything that you had.. everything that you've been through together. but part of you tells you to forget and keep on walking.

i'm stucked in a relationship where no words can comfort me anymore. i don't even know if we're still in the relationship. i'm still stucked at the point where everything began. i'm not moving even a bit. because i still believe in it. but apparently, what i did is not right. he told me that i should move along. though it's without him at the moment. he told me that he's comfortable with what he have and had. he told me that he didn't change and he won't. he told me that he doesn't want me to put so much hope on something that is not certain. but what he said is not fair. does this means that he's not sure whether we'll meet at the end of the road?

i'm letting go.

a love so wonderful turned into a burden without realising.

i'm giving up.

it's only a promise that is never true.

i'm getting on. i know i'll be okay soon. i always do.



"there used to be people. people who used to listen. people who used to care. people who used to be there. there isn't anyone left. what's left is the memories. what's left is the footprints of the people who were once in my life. people who once touched my heart.

there used to be happiness. people who make my day by just one smile. people who make me smile by just one word. but time flies by as quickly as they come. and happiness flew away as sadness stopped by. those eyes once drop only joyful tears now filled with tears of misery."
-20122005-

the naive one.

i read back those previous posts that i wrote. and i felt so funny. it's almost pointless to post up some of the things that i've written. so childish. so naive. so stupid.

been thinking a lot lately. and nothing works. so i guess they're right. stop thinking and just let things happen naturally. i think i'll be happier that way.

shitty things happens and i know it comes and go. have to adapt to it tho.

lotsa things happened and i guess i've learned too much. more than enough for me to be a better person. i've gained and lose. going through the end of teenage life is somehow exciting.

the road.

lies.. some sounded like fairy tales. while some are like nightmares. i live in a world surrounded by countless lies. some were told by strangers.. some by the closest ones.. while some were created by myself. who never tell a lie? nobody.

promises.. they really ARE made and meant to be broken.

true love.. you know you found your true love when your heart doesn't feel the same anymore. when nothing can replace it. you'll know it's true love when you know you couldn't love him like the way you love anybody else. when you can't mend the heart broken by your true love.

so now, i live in lies filled with broken promises and left with a shattered heart.

so what?

life goes on. like it or not. i'm learning how to let go and let go willingly. i want to walk out of it with pride. my dearest lecturer back in Stamford once told me, "Denise, you walk into this college with good reputation. And I want you to walk out with better reputation. Not leaving any bad remarks." that word of his taught me a lot.

the conversation.

i talked to korkor on the phone the other day. was feeling a lil moody. uncertain. sad to be exact. but korkor taught me a lot in the conversation.. i'm so grateful to have him around.. been wanting to talk to harvey lately.. but i couldn't call him up. and like usual, he didn't reply my emails. and seriously, i don't know how he's doing lately. just pray that he's doing alright. i don't really mind him for not replying my emails and returning calls like i used to anymore. maybe he don't have the time to do so.. maybe he's having a hard time over there and he don't want me to worry. i always tell myself to think positive. to believe in him. and to trust my own judgment. but sometimes, it's easier said than done.

i cried myself out last night, thinking about harvey. i still remember how he told me not to cry more than 10 minutes. he don't like seeing me cry. i guess most guys can't stand girls who cries often. guys just don't know how to handle it. egoism.

there are times when i feel like giving up hope. there are times where i wished to lose all of my memories so that i won't be sad, thinking of him. it's not that i want to forget him. i just don't want to feel hopeless everytime i try to remember.

i wish that everything will be alright soon.




[current mood]
bitter.

[current book]
it's 'Kane and Abel'... spelling error in the previous post.

the days.

ok.. my network card was burned few weeks ago.. lucky me. i finished my assignment just one day before that. and now, i have to come to this internet cafe in kotaraya. just to check my mails and blog a while.

this few weeks without internet connection at home drives me nuts. well, almost... i didn't do my final-one-and-only assignment for Business in Computing subject. it's a 70% paper. and i screwed it up. and i got to know that i've failed the two Marketing assignment. so i HAVE to pass at least my Finance paper... i'm in deep shit.

i don't know what to do with my life now. ok.. college life to be more accurate.

i've learned lotsa things lately. about people. love. attitude. friendship.



i think i'll stop writing. not in the mood to crap.


[current book]
Kane and Ebel by Jeffrey Archer.

the result.

michelle came to my place and stayed overnight the other day. we reached home around 2a.m. that day and my dad was awake, taking care of my grampa, who is sick. grampa woke up in the middle of the night for a cup of oatmeal and a slice of bread beofre taking his medicine. so i asked daddy to go back to sleep and i'll wait til grampa finished his meal and give him medicine. so while i was patting grampa's neck, michelle looked at me with a sad expression. i asked her what was it.. and she told me that i'm very fortunate. to have a chance to take care of my grampa. because she doesn't have that chance. and i felt bad. that i normally don't really care for my granparents a lot. well, it just doesn't seem to be enough care and effort that i put in. perhaps i should start caring for them now.. because i still have them with me. many people that i know have lose their grandparents when they're still a kid. some never even have the chance to get to know them. so i'm considered lucky. to have all my grammas and grampas with me now.

so i finally done my finance assignment. but i missed out one point to write in the report. the recommendation. ugh. it's okay.. can't expect too much for a last minute job. anyway today i found out that my previous marketing assignment's result. a got a 13%. and he'll take 20% out of it for the final. i'm in deep shit. think i'll prepare for retake. damn.


[music on air]
butterfly by micheal jackson.

[quote of the day]
what if there's only today and tomorrow is still a doubt?

[current mood]
bad aura surrounding me today. i feel down.

[next station]
marketing assignment!

the assignment.

so i went to fana's house to do our finance assignment which is due on monday. i have no idea how to do it actually. but then.. it turned out to be a really simple common sense mathematics. we cracked our head for one hour or two and finally, we did the counting part correct. but we still have a report to write. seriously, i don't know how to write the report. i'm really weak when it comes to writing reports. so i guess i'll just wait til tomorrow and discuss with them on msn messenger. hehe.. at least we finished the first part. *grins*

can't wait for the college ball. it's next friday. i hope fana can make it tho. it's the first time i felt so excited over a dinner ball. i remember last year, i went to stamford college's ball thingy, and my friends forced me to go. yes. they forced me. they bought the tix and dragged me to the costume shop and picked me an arabian costume. i have no choice but to go. it sucked. the food was terrible. the environment was crappy. the people... you wouldn't want to know.. anyway, this time, i just don't know why i'm so excited. maybe it's because of khairel. the way he told me about the dinner, oh, you should hear him out.. he's so good at promoting it! plus, everybody i know is going.. so i won't be so bored afterall. and weileng will be going too! hehe....

oh, it's tv time... later~

the guilt.

so i went out for a drink with michelle. before that, i thought of drinking with jennhoel after his futsal game, so he came over. when i got into his car...

denise : eh, can wait for a while here ah?

jennhoel : why leh?

denise : michelle is coming over too. hehe.. we go drink together.

jennhoel : oh, then you two go together la. i don't want to disturb you girls la..

denise : like you don't know her.. -_-: come la.. go drink for a while only... i want to drink with you tonight. been trying to get you last few days.. but you BUSY.. (trying to make him feel guilty..)

jennhoel : don't want la.. tonight, i willingly don't want to drink with you.

denise : *speechless* (willingly?)


so we went for a cigarette somewhere near my place. then his phone rang..

jennhoel : (on the phone) bought the tix. but different seats. bla.. bla.. (hung up)

denise : fucker. no wonder you said "willingly"... -_-: watch midnight show is it? ceh!

jennhoel : *grined*

and i thought i was the guilty one for calling michelle.



anyway, life's boring. i've got two assignments to pass up next week and being so denise, i haven't started doing.

seriously, i wish to have some sparks and colors in my life now. i wake up every morning doing the same thing...

- check if harvey's online.
- listen to medley by leo ku at least two times.
- eat whatever that i can find on the dining table.
- surfing the tv channels over and over again.
- go to college/work.
- call up some friends to see if they're free for a drink session.
- go home.
- check if harvey's online.
- check emails.
- blog.
- listen to breathing by lifehouse at least three times.
- watch tvb drama series.
- curl up on the bed and do some thinking.
- sleep.

that's what i do everyday without fail.

can somebody pull me out from boredom? thank you.