the wrong thoughts.

"let's see each other once a week instead of everyday".

that's what he said when we're watching tv the other day...

instead of giving him my normal,"why? why duwan see me?" and "bB dun love me d ar?" and "bB boring see me meh? i know.... you wanna see other girlfriend!!! *evil grin*", reaction, i just nodded and replied, "okay" without looking away from the tv.

i wasn't in the mood for jokes. i'm tired working the whole day and was stucked in the non-moving bus due to the ever-popular traffic jam in KL for more than an hour. Plus, i've been thinking lately that we spent too much time together. we see each other everyday. yes.. everyday. i started to wonder if he'll get bored one day.

i've been talking to Celeste about this... she asked me, "you see each other everyday, not bored ar?"

i told her no. i'm not bored at all.

i still have those butterlies-in-my-stomach feeling whenever i'm going to see him..

i still look forward to seeing him every single day...

i still find that making funny faces is not boring..

i still like to "force" him to kiss my back of hand whenever i said or did something stupid, even though he always say, "eeee... smelly hand...." or "why always force me kiss you??" *bluek*

i still like to multi-kiss him on the shoulder everytime i hop in his car knowing that he'll say, "yer... dirty ar..." and i'll ask, "your shirt?"... he'll never fail to say, "yalor.. you make my shirt dirty... hyuckk..." *smack his lap and throw him an evil look*

yes. i still feel that way.

then we talked that night.. i told him i know that i'm becoming a burden to him. and that's the last thing i ever wanted to happen.

i once said, "he who makes her cry doesn't deserve to be with her. and i believe that he'll only make me smile. i also believe that he'll never make me drop a single tear of sorrow."

i was so wrong.



*to be continued.

the day.

so mommy went back to new york few weeks ago.

it's funny how feelings can play ones heart. before mommy came back from new york in april, i missed her a lot. but i never show it. never really expressed it out before. maybe because it's my nature.. or perhaps, i'm not so close to her..

i've always knew that mommy favours debb and desmond more than me. perhaps it's because both of them always share things with her. i'm the more quiet middle child. i think the reason why i'm not close to her is because i don't grow up with her around me most of the time.. i was at the babysitter through childhood. can't blame them tho. they're busy. which, i think, is the reason why i keep most of my problems to myself.

daddy knows about this. he knows who she favours most and less. he notice that. but when he told me "see? she always pick on you", i just told him "it's ok.. i'm used to it".

when she's back here in KL, we argue most of the time. tho most of the time, i prefer to remain silent whenever she starts nagging or giving opinion, sometimes i just can't stand it. sometimes i wonder.. perhaps it's because i'm like my mother. her traits. maybe because i'm too much like her that she started to hate me...

now that she went back to new york, i started missing her. i'm not sure when i can see her again. i've always wanted to tell her that i miss her and that i don't mean to hurt her.. but i'm too ego to do that..

hmm...

i'm worried about dad tho..
i hope he'll be alright this time around..


work is good so far.. nothing too interesting happened to me lately.. just the normal thing.. it's been a while since i went to a club. haha! can you believe that?? now, i prefer staying at home, watching dvd or watch ming play world of warcraft or just lay there and do some thinking then go to bed.

i miss MPH and Kinokuniya.................................

was browsing at those photos i took few months back.. and i found this...

heehee..... i love this one..

damn a lot of shitty things happened lately... it's hard to understand sometimes.. and at times, i just don't want to understand. sigh..

i'm in love with that photo~



[music on air]
picture by kid rock and sheryl crow.

[quote of the day]
be reasonable.

everything happens for a reason. now i know that this statement is true. very true indeed.

the transformation.

i'm bored.

i got nothing to do.

staying at home.

it's boring.

i wanna walk.

in the rain.

i feel like swimming.

stopped for two weeks.

i wanna shop.

get something for ming.

also get something for mother's day.

get a shoe.

that's for myself.



this is how i look like now..

the haircut.

i felt like i'm the saddest person alive lately..

too many things happened at once.. haih....

sometimes, i felt that i'm not being fair to him...

sometimes, it's hard to explain what's in my mind..

sometimes, i just wonder if all this happens for a reason..

sometimes, i'm afraid that i'll bore him to death..

oh.. btw, i planned to have my hair cut.. but ming doesn't agree with me... he said i won't look nice with short hair.. =(

but i wanna have it cut like this.......see? she looked sad too... like me.. maybe because her boyfriend doesn't like her haircut.

sometimes, i just feel like running away to a place where nobody knows me.

sometimes, i feel like a useless person..

sometimes, i wished to be heard.

sometimes, i wonder when it's gonna end..

the car park bully.

i fucking hate that guy who drives a black wira aeroback.

i went to mid valley with michelle today for an interview. the car park was packed and it's very hard to get a space. so i made few rounds to find a parking space, like every other cars. it took me half an hour, rounding in the car park and finally, i spotted two guys heading to their car, which is just beside me. so i stopped at the side and gave signal that i'm taking the space. so i waited for him to get out. i drove to the front a lil bit so that he can get out easily... then i waited.... as he drove off, passing my car, i reversed slowly and from the rear mirror, i saw a fucking black wira turned and parked into the parking space that i spotted!!!! so i horned. non-stop.

then i saw him reversing... so i stopped horning, thinking that he got the idea and wanted to back out... but no.. he's an idiot who got his license from the *longkang, reversed and adjusted the position and parked nicely at the parking space. i stared horning again and he didn't come out. so i pulled the handbreak and got out from the car. i walked angrily towards his car and he came out.

dy : can't you see that i gave the signal?????

*lancau machan : what??

dy : i said i gave the signal for this parking space....!

(he raised his voice..)
lancau machan : yes, i know you gave the signal, but you were way off!!!

(i shouted back)
dy : i moved to the front to give way to that car so that he can come out from the space!!!!! plus, i've already gave the signal and was reversing!!!!

lancau machan : ok ok..
(he stood at there, glaring at me and not moving)

dy : what ok ok???
(pointed to his car and my car, trying to tell him that he's wrong.)

then that lancau machan went back to his car and the passenger beside him (i think it's his wife or sister), came out. and just when she came out, he said, "fuck off la".

i was furious...!!! so i shouted back at him. (he's already inside his car.)

dy : WHAT THE FUCK?????!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY 'FUCK OFF'??????!!?

at this moment, the lady tried to calm me down saying, "cool down, cool down". then michelle said the same thing (but i think she said that more for herself...lol!! she's as furious as me). that fucking dickhead came out after i shouted, looking like a bloody lancau, trying to counter me back. the lady asked me to cool down again and get back to the car. then michelle asked him to get in and move his car instantly. if not because the lady was polite, i'll make sure he don't have any windscreen right away.

so he moved his car and i got the parking space.

knnccb.... and he think he can bully girl driver. he's totally wrong!!! i'm not that kinda person who tolerate this kinda shit. plus, he went in the car park later than me. because when i reached there, it's not raining. after a while, it rains and i saw his car was wet... mahai... he thinks that i'm driving a car with probation sticker means that he can bully. lancau machan.. mess with the wrong girl today. i hope he'll meet with accident everytime he drive out.

*lancau machan = dickhead malay guy.

this is my grampa. i'll miss him.

the regret.

grampa died yesterday.

it was really unexpected. it feels like a dream.

mom's wish will never come true. she planned to catch the flight back on the 30th march and my grandparents (her parents) will meet her up at singapore and come back to malaysia a week after that. but grampa didn't wait for her. it's only few more days and mommy can meet them for the first time after five years. but it's not gonna happen anymore. she can't make it back to see her daddy for the last time. not even one more look at him. she's the only child who's not gonna be at the service. it's not fair. totally not fair.

it's sad.

debb promised grampa that she'll treat him dinner on his birthday last year. but she's too busy to do so. and this year when he met her, he asked debb, "when are you gonna buy me dinner??" he grinned mischieviously. debb told him that she'll buy him dinner when she's free. she's never free. and she'll never have another chance to do so now.

it's a regret.

i'll never got the chance to hear him asking me, "how's business today?" when i help out at the shop every sunday anymore. that's his routine everytime he goes to the shop... bring some mah jong paper, walk one round in the shop, sit down and ask the same question. everytime without fail. he'll do the same thing. ask the same question.

i'm gonna miss all that. i'll never hear those words from him every week again.

the rave.

so i went to a rave at sepang with a bunch of friends last saturday... it was damn hot there.. very heaty and packed with all sorts of people.. bumped into quite a lot of friends from college. it was actually quite a good rave but then it's really too hot there.. and there isn't enough room for us to stand in the crowd.. so we ended up sitting near the exit so that we don't have to squeeze like sardines in a can. didn't stay until the end of the party tho.. went for after party session at joe's place.. hmm.. i have to say that it was not as fun as i've imagined. felt like something's missing.

well.. there are a lot of things that i'd like to write.. but i've got no time to do so.. when i have the time and feeling to write.. something else always comes up and i'll normally give up and go to bed after that instead of staying up and write.

quite a lot of things happened lately..

i need some space for fresh air... ugh..

i'm still feeling happy in a sad way.

we love each other... 

getting ready@azuree's place with mich 

crakers.. 

king and san 

ye seong and sheena