...

why didn't i just hold his hand and say that i really want him to stay longer?

why didn't i just hug him real tight and say that i'll miss him a lot?

why didn't i just look into his eyes deeply and say that i really love him?

why didn't i do all of that?

i still don't know the answer...



[music on air]
almost here-brian mcfadden & delta goodrem

[current mood]
confused

[next station]
layan emo...

[phrase of the day]
BE STRONG!!

free at last!!!

FINALLY!!!!!! i finished up the accounts assignment....!!!!! harhar!!!! sOOoOOooOO relieved!!!!! la la la... wakakakakakka... ekekekekke.... gee... i really feel so damn happy man!!! oh well.. at least i have less things to worry about now... i'll just have to revise for my exams... ugh... okay.. don't talk bout exams now... it's a month away...

so... let's see.... party this weekend?? harhar!!! yeah... probably.... it's been a while i didn't enjoy and relax myself...

hmm... life really changes without the presence of my love... i felt that i'm getting more mature now.. well, at least i started to use my brains to think.. though he's so far, i know that i'm always in him.. everything i do, everywhere i go, i made a promise to myself that i'll inform him, to keep him update on what's going on with my life here.. i know many of my friends, including my family, thought that long distance wouldn't work.. i really wanted to prove that what they said was wrong.. i have never be so certain bout love.. bout what i do.. but this time.. i'm so very sure.. i know it'll work out.. i know it will...

i hope i will not lose what i'm having now.. i hope that i can keep it forever and never have to let go.. and i'm sure that i don't have to...

i've been through a lot.. and i've had enough of all those things that i don't deserved.. i can't afford to be deceived again.. i can't afford to be betrayed... i can't afford to be hurt.. and i can't afford to lose again...

i pray every night for my love to be strong.. i pray for my love to only grow.. and i really hope that God heard my prayers..



[music on air]
spin-lifehouse

[current mood]
so damn relaxed!!!!

[next station]
tv time....

[quote of the day]
absence makes the heart grows fonder

woo hoo!!!!!

whoa... what a tiring day!! slept at 5 this morning and have to wake up at 9 to hand in the assignment at college... just woke up from my sweet dreams... it's been a few days i didn't get proper sleep... slept like a pig this afternoon... but still not enough... heh...

oh well.. it's a relief that i finished the law assignment at last... shouldn't have procrastinated...

can't be too relax cos i still have to hand in accounts assignment on friday! haha!! oh well.. it's a lesson to learn.. NEVER PROCRASTINATE..

hmm... things are going on fine for me i guess... got a lil distracted by what rahimie tried to do and prove.. but the rest of the things are going on quite smoothly..

i felt happier now.. have never been so firm and certain in my life.. thanks vey for the guidance.. he's my friend.. my good friend... my shoulder to cry on.. my never-get-bored listener... a very patient advisor.. a person who can make me smile easily by just being there.. my soulmate, perhaps?? :)

just when i thought my hope to NY is gone, daddy told me that we MIGHT be going there end of this year if everything is going on smoothly... la~la~ we're going there for Christmas!!! woo hoo!!! watch out New York.. denise is coming....!! la~la~



[music on air]
some trance...

[current mood]
i feel like partying all night!!!

[phrase of the day]
NEVER EVER lose hope and confidence.. it's important..

[next station]
TV time?? hehe...

ark...

hmm...life is tough... hmm... talked to mom yesterday... she nagged for half an hour on the phone... hmm... she's got her point there anyway... but i hate it when she doesn't want to understand me... always jump into her own conclusion... but it's okay... i don't really listen anyway... hehe...

well..i guess i'll have to let go my dream... which is going to New York.... mom said she can't support my fees and she'll probably come back to Malaysia end of this year.. i don't know what to do now... perhaps i should listen to her.. study here work for a while, then go up... hmm... well... maybe she wants me to study here, work here, get married here and die here.... :P i really don't want to stay here anymore... well, you can say that i'm avoiding things.. but that's the best way that can make me forget everything and go on with a new life.. but then again... life IS ironic........ perhaps i should really stay here until i'm really ready to leave...

i just want to find my life... and my love.... silly, huh?? well.. that's denise...




[music on air]
keane - somewhere only we know

[current mood]
normal...

[next station]
class!!!!!

happy!!!!!

well.. it's been almost a month i didn't write this... well... a lot of things happened this month.. i realised so many things that i didn't even noticed before.... i've discover a lot of things... good things, of course.. :)

i've finally let go a precious thing.. i mean.. it used to be precious to me... but it's not anymore.. i broke up with rahime.. and i'm happy bout it... i don't have to suffer anymore.. well, why should i hold on to someone who doesn't trust me? and take me for granted? and doesn't even appreciates me?? i finally understand the fact... i won't be happy if hold on to it... well, maybe my presence DOES bring happiness to other people.. but if i'm not happy when i'm trying hard to please other people, why still doing it, right? i've learnt a lot for the past month.. A LOT! i've learnt the meaning of true love.. i've discover that trust is really the most important thing in a relationship.. i need someone who understands me... someone who really care,not only for me, for my future as well... someone who trusts me... someone who appreciates me... not a person who take me for granted... not someone who treats me like a punch-bag...

when it's time to let go, we've got no choice but to let go.. well, letting go is one way of saying "I LOVE YOU".. heh... now, i'm so sure and certain that i'm ready to let go... they always asked me to look forward and not to hold the past to live... the past might be a sweet memory.. but if it hurts, then i must not let it haunt me... and i'm ready to look forward... to be a better person.. to be a lil wiser... to be more confident..

someone DID changed me... taught me to be more confident.. someone who loves me.. someone who appreciates me... someone who trusts me... someone who have faith in us... someone who's also not around..

i'm a happier person now.. i know what i'm doing is right for me.. i'm ready to grow up... i'm ready to turn 20... *wink*


[music on air]
uhm... something from the cd vey gave me...

[current mood]
la~ la~

[next station]
dreamland!!!

[quote of the day]
no turning back..

a long journey... 

*uh-hum*

life is funny... when i thought everything isn't going the way it should be, there's always something happened to make me realised that actually everything's okay..

i know there are things i did when i shouldn't do it... there are also things that i'm doing when i'm not supposed to do.. well.. it's true that i still can't pull myself together.. i still can't think the way i should be thinking.. something just pulled me back from the reality... i admit that i'm still confused with myself.. i'm not confident.. i've always thought that things aren't getting right for myself.. things aren't getting alright at all... i don't dare to be confident.. i don't even dare to be myself anymore..

perhaps i tried too hard to make other people happy.. and at the end of the day, it started to hurt..someone asked me.. "what's the point of making other people happy when you have to be sad??" well.. my question to myself will always be this.... "what's the point of being happy when everybody's going to be sad??" hmm..

sometimes, things happens without a warning... and i'm learning to face it.. i've always believed that things happens for a reason.. and we'll know the reason after we face the problem, not running away from it..

but there are times that we can't do anything bout what happened.. things just HAPPEN.. it's just the matter of how you would want to deal with it..

well.. there are too many things happened to myself lately that i can barely breath.. too many things happened that i really feel like running away from everything... or maybe stop everything from moving on further...



[music on air]
Vanessa Carlton- A Thousand Miles

[current mood]
"mood-less" *wink*

[phrase of the day]
BE FIRM

[next station]
work... ugh...! -_-:

fuck!! love is really blind...

all this while, what i tried to do is to make him happy.... and now... what do i get?? mistrust.. (never mind).. scolding... (that's his nature... ego.. -_-") .. we loved each other more than anything in this world, we know that... but just because of some stupid stuff.. it ruined everything... i cherish this love.. i never regret those things that i've sacrificed just to be with him.. because i know one thing.. "you lose some, you gain some"... i've been trying to save and keep this relationship... but seems like its beyond my control... the more i care, the worse it gets...

everytime i think of the days without him, i became so weak that i couldn't even think properly... i'm so used to having him around me all the time.. each and every possible seconds, minutes, days... i don't mind if he doesn't trust me... as long as i'm doing the right thing.. it doesn't matter anymore.. i don't mind if he scold me every possible chances that he get.. cos i know he'll be okay after a while.. cos i know it's his temper.. it's him... i don't mind if he never calls.. cos i know that he's busy.. cos we see each other everyday..

i just want to be loved.. to be protected.. to be appreciated.. i'm a human.. i have feelings too... the most important thing is.. i'm a girl.. i love to be pampered too...! i know i'm not as weak as it seems... but i can't pretend to be strong when i'm not feeling strong at all...! i always thought that i can handle my emotions well.. but i'm wrong.. i became so weak now...

why i have to sit here and cry all night when i supposed to sleep soundly and wake up in the morning, pretend that nothing has happened?? only one answer to this question... is that i really love him and i'm not ready to let it go.... i don't think i'll be able to let it go... call me stupid, call me idiot... it's love that made me what i am now..


[music on air]
R.E.M-Imitation Of Life..

[current mood]
super down

[quote of the day]
like i said earlier... you lose some, you gain some

[next station]
dreamland... my world..

la~ la~ la~

well, it's been a few weeks i didn't update this... hehe... well.. there's so many things happened lately.. with all the troubles that has been hunting me, i felt like there's not enough air for me to breath in..

sometimes, i felt like i'm trapped within myself.. i don't know what to do, i don't what i'm doing and sometimes, i don't even know why i do certain things.. i do things that i couldn't even figure out the reason i did it.. sometimes, i don't even know what i'm thinking while doing other stuff.. i'm like... so into my own world that i almost neglect the real world.. i've been doing a lot of thinking lately.. and i don't even know what it is.. my mind is working, but i just don't know what it is.. perhaps i didn't even do the thinking.. perhaps my mind just shut down for a few seconds?? or maybe.. it's totally blank?? boy! i don't even know what am i writing now!! ^O^

well.. i felt like a useless person lately... skipped few classes.. skipped work... skipped dinner today.. sigh~ i not sure of what i'm doing and i don't know whether it's right or wrong.. good or bad..

ugh... a lil moody lately.. i guess it's normal.. moodswings in "the time of the month".. ;)


[sounds on air]
the sound of the air-cond and the washing machine.. -_-:

[current mood]
not so cheerful..

[quote of the day]
biar LAMBAT, asalkan selamat... *wink*

[next station]
*ngrok*ngrok* zzZZZzzZzzZZzzz

STILL in the lift.. -_-" 

on the way back, waiting for the lift... 

zoukfest '05 with my sista!!  

in a confusion...

well.. pretty much a wonderful weekend i had... went to zoukfest with debb and her friends and mie... it was a great and wonderful night.. met quite number of old friends, juniors and seniors there.. the party was excellent! two thumbs-up!! :)

well i had a great weekend..but i'm not feeling quite okay lately... i felt different.. i sensed changes in myself.. felt a bit weird lately.. i don't know... i just don't feel so happy-go-lucky anymore.. i don't know why i felt that way... i kinda felt a lil left out..

sigh~ i thought i'll be happy... but now... i'm not enjoying myself like a 20 years-old should..

i'm starting to hate myself now.. why does shitty things always happens to me? it's so unfair... i'm supposed to be happy.. and i deserved to BE happy..

sigh~
i just want a simple life.. that's all.. am i asking too much? all i want is a lil bit of attention... to be noticed.. is that really too much??... i don't know anymore... i'm tired...





[music on air]
hoobastank-the reason

[current mood]
still confused and a lil depressed

[next station]
BED!!

[quote of the day]
don't expect too much, you'll lose more.

eh?

just another bored day... met mie today.. he sent me to college... waited til my class ended... well.. he's quite patient though.. waited there for two hours.. :) then went to mapley and had roti planta...

mie asked me to just "scold" him whenever he didn't want to listen to me... well.. for me.. i'd rather let him realise his mistakes himself than just burst out whenever i got the chance.. it's good that he actually realised that sometimes i'm also right.. :) i admit that i'm actually a very hot tempered person... but i don't know why i never really lose my temper in front of him... well, i AM hot tempered.. but i listen and reason out before anything happens.. unlike him.. burst out whenever things goes wrong.. well, that's him.. and perhaps just because i know that's his "style" of handling stuffs, i can cool down easily... can't be hot tempered at the same time, right??

hmm... until now, i still feel that nobody really understands me.. they always thought and judge me by what i do... not WHY i do it... perhaps i don't know how to express my feelings? i don't know... well.. lately, i felt like.. i'm becoming anti-social... i don't initiate any conversations with my new classmates.. i don't smile... and i don't even look at them... i remember back in Stamford, i'm the one who take the initiative to talk to the person beside me.. i'm the person who talk back to the lecturers... i'm like.. the class' clown... i made them laugh.. i made them talk... i bring everybody together... but now..... i'm nobody to everybody and i'm making everybody a nobody... i wonder if this is a good thing for me or not...

sigh~ i hope things will get better soon...




[music on air]
Canon In D Major

[current mood]
a lil confused..

[qoute of the day]
When you accept a task, do it whole heartedly..
If you turn down a task, leave it willingly..

[next station]
zZzzZZZzzZzz

it's been six months...

without even realising... it's been six months i'm in a relationship... in this six months... i've learnt a lot... and i know i won't stop learning... new things happens each and everyday... new words blurted out from our mouths.. new silly "sambil-sambil" jokes on the scooter... it's like... each and everyday is a new beginning of our relationship... i felt that we're like.. a couple who just started going out for a few days.. lol!! i love him more everyday... although we always argue about those tiny lil things..but i know deep inside, we love each other more than anything.. well, it's normal for a couple to argue once in a while..

well, i've never thought that there's still someone who love me so much though i'm not as great as any other girls out there... i know i'm not his dream girl.. and i know i'm not a perfect girlfriend to him.. but i'm trying my best to be the best... though it's not an easy thing to do, but i know i'm trying.. of course, in the process of being a better person, i sure did something that get to his nerves..but hey, i'm still learning.. *wink* and nobody is perfect...





[music on air]
Babyface-What If

[current mood]
extremely happy.. ^O^

[quote of the day]
love is to forgive and forget..

[next station]
*ngrok*ngrok* zZzzZZzZzz