i don't know what i'm thinking lately.. perhaps i'm not thinking at all..

i started to get tired. getting tired of waiting. getting tired of being nice. getting tired of trying hard.

i had a dream last night. i dreamt that harvey came back. and he insisted to stay at my place, of course, i'm very happy. so, i went to work and he stayed at home. when i got back, he's not there. i start to search for him everywhere. i continue to search and searh. but the alarm woke me up. that's when i realised that it was a dream. i went back to sleep. started to dream again. in that dream, i continued looking for him. i stayed in that dream for very long time. hoping to finally found him. but i didn't. so you see, in reality, it's almost the same. he came into my life and stayed a while. but he had to go. now, i can't even give him a call whenever i want, like i used to. sometimes, i thought that i tried too hard to maintain this relationship. but then, i realised that perhaps i'm not doing good enough. and sometimes, i feel that i'm the only one who is trying to maintain it. but again, i realised that perhaps i should understand the situation better. sigh~ i don't know.

i told everybody i'm fitting in. at first, i said that to make myself feel better and not to worry my friends. now, i'm really fitting in. i guess it's the tiredness that draws me to adapting myself without my own will. i started to feel less bout everything. i don't remember what it's like to walk hand-in-hand. i don't remember what it's like to have hand to hold when i'm asleep. i don't remember what it's like to be hugged real tight. i don't remember what it's like to drop a tear from too much of missing. i don't remember what it's like to be cared for. i almost forgot what it's like to be loved and in love. but the thing that i never forget is to love harvey with all my heart despite all the things i listed down above.


[music on air]
some trance.

[current mood]
down.

[quote of the day]
sometimes you have to stand alone to make sure you still can.

[next station]
work.

friend.

went to watch movie with yee meng, zhen bin, steve etc. in the afternoon..went to work after that. reached store around 5.saw the schedule.. and to my surprise, i supposed to work at 12pm..not 7pm.. -_-: nobody informed me.. nobody made the effort to call me.. aih.. but luckily agnes told me there's two partners MC for closing shift, so i can work closing shift. but after thinking, i told her that i'll work from 6-11... but then i went back at 10.. haha.. too tired to work.. no point working like a cow.. damn shorthanded.. damn tiring.. went to have dinner and supper with yee meng after that.. haha.. (go out with him, sure eat...)

sensed there's something wrong with jenn hoel. but i don't know what it is. saw him today to return his watch. he acted very cool. and it hurt a lil. he's been showing those faces since yesterday, after the futsal game. something's bothering him. and i don't know what. seems frustrated though.

yee meng brainwashed me since yesterday. bout the belly piercing. he told me it's not nice, not good, painful, etc... now, i'm having double thought bout having my belly pierced..

miss harvey though. hope he liked the photo i sent him..

i'm tired.


[music on air]
qing tian by jay zhou.

[current mood]
dreamy.

[quote of the day]
don't be so fake. just be yourself.

[next station]
sleep.

finally, got my results.

so, i went to college today with yee meng. saw my results on the board.. happy but disappointed at the same time. as i expected, i failed my Law assignment. so, i have to do and submit the assignment again.. of course, different question la.. heh..

went for a movie with yee meng after that. watched Hostage. not bad, but lotsa people died in that movie.. hmm.. went for dinner near my house with jenn hoel, yee meng and adrian.. rushed back home to watch CSI finale, but my dad's workers are watching halfway, i found that it's not nice to change the channel, so i'll have to wait for the repeat later...

going for movie again tomorrow...... heh... maybe going to pierce my belly with azuree after movie.. can't wait for it... :P

oh yeah, i finally told harvey what i did wrong.. hehe.. felt better after telling him.. at least i don't feel bad or guilty for keeping things from him.. i just can't keep things away from him.. anyway,he didn't really commented much, he's sleepy when i called him up.. but i'm pretty sure that he'll give me a full-lecture if he's not tired.. but then again, he told me that he can't say much cos at the end of the day, i'm the one who make the final decision. good or bad, i'm old and mature enough to think myself..he said that he don't want to be dominant.. cos it's unfair.. but when i told him that i liked him to be dominant, he said "ok, don't do it then.".. haha.. so i told him that i'll try to do as he told me to.. (at the end of the day, i'm still the one who make decision... -_-: hmm...)

i love harvey more now..



[music on air]
An Hao by Jay Zhou.

[quote of the day]
thou shall not be afraid of loneliness.

[current mood]
good.

[next station]
tv time~

so here i am, sitting in front of the pc, blogging again.. i just came home.. went out with jenn hoel again.. accompanied him to have his dinner at some mamak in OUG.. the food there is not delicious at all.. argued with him earlier cos i said i wanted to go Steven's Corner and he said he don't want.. God knows why.. (he keep on saying "i just don't wanna go there.." "you don't understand me..".. i wonder why.. they have nicer food there...) -_-: went for a ride after that... i drove to somewhere inside of OUG, dead end.. turned out to Puchong,dead end.. made a U-turn to Pantai Hillpark... (i miss that place a lot... bring back some sweet memories.. i miss my baby)... made another U-turn to Brickfields, then to Taman Seputeh (another dead end...) then to the hill behind my house.. like usual, stopped by and smoked a lil.. watched the incomplete full moon.. sing some stupid song.. then went back.. jenn slept through almost the entire journey.. "i don't want to think of anything, that's why i sleep.. but i know you met a lot of dead ends.." he told me.. even though he joked a lot, i can sense that he's unhappy lately.. but i'm not sure what it is.. i've always thought that i understand him.. but i doubted that.. i don't know what's in his mind.. but i'm sure i can sense his feelings.. i'm just not sure what it is.. i don't ask a lot, and he don't talk much bout it. that's us.. we don't have to say things out loud, just be there to listen to each other's silence and that's more than enough.. he's my best buddy. and i'm not ready to lose him and nobody can replace him even though he's not there for me anymore. i know that one day, we'll be apart from each other's world, busy with ourselves.. and finally start to care less bout each other.. but that ONE day, will not be soon.. and even if the day comes, we'll still have each other in our hearts.. it's a promise that we never make, but knew it perfectly well.. "friends come and go.. it's just the way they come and the way they go.. when they come, and when they will go.." that's what he said to me two years back when i had the worse day of my life.. i'll never forget this ever..

i wonder how my life will be in the future. i'm pretty sure that lotsa things will change.. i'll meet new people, and i'll have to let some of the old ones go. i'll learn more, and i hope that i'll never forget things.. important things. but i'm still not sure which path it will lead me to.. the one that i've always dream of, or the one destined by God from the day i born?

i read back the journal that i wrote since the past few years.. i realised how drastic a person's feelings can change in short period of time. an almost perfect love can turn into total hatred in a blink of an eye.. i realised how fast i can actually change. and how long it took me to stand up after a fall.. it scared me a lil..

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately.. i recall back those times that i've shared with harvey. thinking back, it's kinda sad in a happy way.. funny how we met.. funny how things turned out.. went through a lot without realising.. and i guess i know when it all started.... it is since the day we met... and i'm glad that we met.. though i fucked things up a lil along the way.. but i'm glad how things turned out to be.. *grin*


[music on air]
collide by howie day.

[curent mood]
uhm.. great, i guess..

[quote of the day]
the cure for lovesick is always tears..

[next station]
dreamworld.

thoughts.

simplicity sometimes may lead to complication.. that's how i feel bout myself.. being too simple and ended up feeling complicated and confused..

i read something in a book.. and i really liked it..

"Love is tricky. It is never mundane or
daily. You can never get used to it. You have to walk with it, then let it walk
with you. You can never balk. It moves you like the tide. It takes you out to
the sea, then lays you on the beach again. Today's struggling pain is the
foundation for certain stride through the heavens. You can run from it but you
can never say no. It includes everyone."

i thought of harvey. and our relationship.. where it has led us.. and where it's leading us.. it convinces me that whatever that i have to go through now will make me stronger and somehow, i can feel that good things are waiting ahead of me.. perhaps our absence is to make our love stronger.. God put us into this situation to test us out. to test our strength. to see how we believe in each other. to guide us. to make us appreciate more and complain less.

this is a book's capability to influence ones mind. how it can change ones perception of certain issues. how it can open up ones heart and soul.

and i wonder now,why it took me so long to realise certain things.. certain issues.. always worrying about something untrue.. worrying about some thoughts which is unreal.. now i can see how deep i've dwelt on silliness.


[music on air]
blurry by puddle of mud

[current mood]
so-so

[quote of the day]
too much happiness always overflows into tears of sorrow.

[next station]
sleep.....

thoughts.

it rained the whole day.. makes me think a lot.. rain is always depressing.. but it calm me down in a way.. been feeling strange lately.. perhaps it's the process of growing up..

been missing harvey a lot..

finished reading The JoyLuck Club by Amy Tan... it's a good book... gave me a different perspective of decision making, the way people look at life and all...

watched The Perfect Man just now.. uhm... nice movie.. learnt something... but it's just another happy ending love story..

i looked back at my life so far... my life last year until now... lotsa things happened within one year.. too many to learn, too little time to absorb.. there are things that i wished i've done but didn't.. things that made me question myself the reason i did and didn't do something.. i know now, i can only look back and laugh at myself for being a fool at times.. and feel good for being smart sometimes.. looking back at what happened, i think i'm a lil wiser to repeat the same mistake again.. i've learned that sometimes, it's good to be impulsive.. (only sometimes.. not all the time... being too impulsive will lead to more troubles..) just do whatever i fell like it.. whatever thing what i think is right.. i've learned that i must be selfish at times.. learned that i have to stand for myself, be certain of some issues, be strong and not only listen and follow whatever other people asks me to.. in other words, hold on to my principle.. now i know why harvey always tell me, "just do whatever you think is right for you...don't always think of making other people happy.. be happy before making them happy..." now i know what it meant..

i wanna write lotsa things here tonight.. but i'm getting tired and sleepy... i'll continue tomorrow...


[music on air]
jay zhou's jie kou.

[quote of the day]
"even he does cheer her up, he can't be the guy that's afraid of tears"-The Perfect Man

[current mood]
good.

[next station]
sleep.dream.

he-he..

worked morning shift today.. just came back from work.. reached there around 6.50a.m and my assistant mgr is already there... work is boring today.. called harvey during my break time.. he told me that he went for a camping trip with his parents... went to somewhere near canada or something.. i can't remember the name of that place.. but he told me it's at the Thousand Island... cool huh??? i never went camping before.. well.. someday, i will... anyway, talked to his mom.. she told me uncle john is stable now.. but the doctor have to put him to sleep.. i felt relieved that he's okay now.. i never liked those bad news that involve ones life.. (and i also never really liked fortune tellers who like to threaten other people by saying bad things that will happen to them in the future so that they'll continue seeking him and so that he can charge them higher for each visit..) sometimes, i do listen to fortune tellers/astrologers.. i mean.. i listen, but never really bother to keep them in mind for too long.. just listen, if it sounds logical, then i accept it.. if it sounded really ridiculous, then i'll just let them pass.. (kinda ironic though..)

hmm.. life seems strange to me lately.. things are getting weirder but unexpectedly normal.. i can sense that my thoughts are evolving.. perhaps growing.. something changed or perhaps is changing.. but i'm not sure what it is.. i don't know what it is.. i can feel neither good nor bad.. just a strange feeling...


[music on air]
you were always on my mind by elvis presley..

[current mood]
blurish

[quote of the day]
a house is not a home when a spouse is not at home.

[next station]
cook dinner...

breaking the news.

okay... so the other night was supposed to be a wallow night.. but just when lied down not more than 20 minutes, my cellphone rang.. the name "Harvey" was blinking on the screen.. at that instance, i thought.. "Whoa... at last my wish came true... he's back... " but then when i think harder, harvey told me that winnie's gonna take the number.. quite disappointed though, when i found out that it was winnie, not harvey.. (i forgot to change the name... ) okay... then, i wondered why she call me... it's 2.30a.m in the morning weh.... so, the conversation is something like..

"hi, are you denise? it's winnie here, you know me right??harvey's friend.."
"uh... arh... yeah.. i remember you.."
"eh, you and harvey still contacting each other arh?"
"yea.. why arh??"
"he's auntie called, said that his uncle was admitted to the hospital at singapore.. badly injured."
"HUH??!? which uncle? what auntie? where? what happened?" (i was confused... still blur..)
"can you inform harvey bout this? just tell him it's his uncle john. his mom's brother."
"okay..okay... i'll call his mom now.. thanks.."

so, i hung up.. and i walked in the room in circles.. don't know what to do... then i lied down.. then i realised that i don't have a call card.. so i text harvey's mommy, breaking the bad news.. still no reply after ten minutes.. my heart pounded faster that time... how can a person not reply such text?? perhaps she didn't get it.. so i scratched my head hard... thinking of how to get a call card at that time.. want it or not, i have to call my pet brother to get it for me.. i felt so bad for asking him to do that.. but i was really panic, confused and blur at that moment.. all i'm thinking is to inform harvey's mom as soon as possible.. so i waited for another ten minutes for him to text me the number of the call card... i tried to call the house, but nobody's there to answer the call... called his mom's cellphone... waited for a while and then she picked up the phone...!! i was so relieved to hear her voice over the phone...

"hello?"
"hi auntie.. it's denise here.. how are you..?" (tried to talk as calm as possible..)
"oh.. denise arh.. i'm fine.. how are you...? we're at the camp site.. wait a sec huh.. harvey's with me now.. " (wanted to pass the phone to harvey...)
"no no no auntie.. i wanna talk to you" (panicked... -_-")
"huh? what... wait arh.. i pass the phone to harvey.." (almost passed the phone to harvey.. for the second time...)
"no no auntie.. i wanna talk to you.. i don't want to talk to harvey.. i got something to tell you.." (keep on repeating that i don't want to talk to harvey, but her...)
"huh? what is it..?"
"no..harvey's friend called me up and she told me.......... "
"huh? which uncle john? which auntie who called?"
"i don't know.. she just said uncle john.. "
(then she passed the phone to harvey after she got quite confused...)

"bie.. what you talking about la..?"
"no.. winnie..... (have to explain all over again...)... "
" (question marks all over his head..) "

then i heard his mom saying.. "oh.. i think i know what she's trying to say.. gimme the phone.. "

"denise.. i think i know who.. that's my brother.. bla.. bla... "
"yea..! yes...! your brother.! (phew~) "
"thanks yea.. i'll call her (the auntie) up and find out what happened.. "
"no problem.."
"tell harvey's friend thanks a lot too.. i appreciate that.."
"will do.. "
"okay, we'll talk next time.. bye~" (she hung up..)

that moment, i felt relieved and then only to realised that i sooooo wanted to talk to harvey.... -_-: (i still can't believe that i actually said i don't want to talk to harvey to her mom.. haha!! well.. i was panicking that time.. i don't know how to break bad news to other people.. i was confused like hell.. ugh... perhaps i didn't get enough sleep few nights back...

i called harvey's mom again this morning to check things out... she told me uncle john met an accident.. nobody knows what happened.. nobody knows who sent him to the hospital and how he got there.. he's still unconscious.. that all harvey's mom told me... i was worried and relieved at the same time.. at least she got the news.. then i talked to harvey for a while.. such a nice day to start off with... hearing his voice.. hmm... (flying to cloud 9....) though it was only a 10 minutes talk.. i felt happy the whole day... hehe.... i miss him a lot though...

mommy called daddy up this morning... she told him that she went to see a fortune teller.. that person told her that something bad will happen to me this september-november... she asked me to be extra careful when i go out.. she mentioned that this bad thing will happen with a very close friend... sigh~ i don't know what to say... last year, daddy told me that somebody's gonna "use" me.. (not sure in what sense...) but i don't think anything bad happened to me last year.. and now, he told me that something bad will happen..(cannot mention what is it here..) i hope it's not gonna happen to me.. haih~ i'll just stay at home more when i started college...



[music on air]
scarlet needle by the hypercubes

[current mood]
imagine sitting somewhere high and dark, with stars above you..

[quote of the day]
prevent is always better than cure..

[next station]
sleep.

the crying day..

so, it's the first day of helping daddy out at the dried pork meat shop... bored like i've expected.. almost fell asleep few times... even Amy Tan's book cannot keep me from falling asleep... -_-: but it's okay... it's just the beginning... i'll get an mp3 player soon.. so that i won't get so bored... or perhaps a radio to keep me awake.. haha.. finished work at 9.30.. went for dinner/supper with jenn hoel at cheras after that.. drove on the way back.. stopped at the hill near my house for some refreshments... then i burst out into tears... cried for few minutes.. jenn, like usual, just sat there and let me wallow.. he's the best buddy... the best person to wallow with, cos he won't say a single thing when i cry.. i felt like an idiot after crying... but a lot better... though i still can't get enough of crying, i felt better now... i'm not sure myself why i cried... i just feel like letting it out.. and i'm glad that i did.. i remembered harvey told me not to cry when i miss him (i told him it's impossible and he agreed.. but he's got his point there.. i'm just not sure what's the reason yet...). but he said it's okay to cry for a few minutes.. not too long... and i did as i promised... but that's not the whole reason that i cried... i just feel like crying and somehow, i know it'll make me feel a lot better... and honestly, i really feel better...



[music on air]
cafe del mar vol2 cd2

[current mood]
bluek!

[quote of the day]
bluek!!!!

[next station]
wallow.sleep.dream.

indecisive..

well.. went to jenn hoel's house warming yesterday night.. it was a nice party.. but too bad, i have to go home and missed the fun of getting drunk.. haha! anyway, life's been though with decision making... sigh~ i seriously gotta figure out what's the best thing to do at the time being.. hope i'll get a reply from harvey soon.. i'm kinda stucked.. haih...

i'm totally blank now.. write later.



[music on air]
yi lu xiang bei by jay zhou

[current mood]
so-so

[next station]
eat.

[quote of the day]
confidence is important.

the big project..

hmm.. i just got back from work.. i'm going nuts.. worked double shift today... 13 hours.. haha!! well.. people like me, which has got no life, don't mind to work, work and work.. hmm.... anyway, i'm working on a quite BIG project of my own.. haha!! gonna surprise harvey with something different and somehow 'special', for his birthday and perhaps christmas... *winkz* can't wait for it though.. teehee.... :P

okay, i need to get some rest.. working tomorrow... (yeah.. i got no life.. have to work, work and work... -_-: )


i miss harvey... =/


[music on air]
bad day by daniel powter..

[quote of the day]
truth always hurts. we have to accept it whether we like it or not..

[current mood]
lovesick.

[next station]
dreamland..

hmmph... just another plain and boring day... well, not so bored actually.. seng tat, james and ven came to the store and accompanied me for my break.. then went to Times Square to look for Juliana after work.. talked for a while, walked to the lrt and went home... having my coffee now and it's freshly brewed~ yummy! bored.. bored.. and bored..... i finally put away The Da Vinci's Code cos i've been trying to read it for few months and i'm still stucked at page 66...... ugh...! so i've decided to read The Family Way by Tony Parsons first.. then only continue reading that stupid-almost-every-page-with-a-few-lines-of-French book... hmm... bored.. i'm going to sleep...


[music on air]
lonely by akon

[current mood]
lagging..

[quote of the day]
a smile can make a huge difference.

[next station]
sleep~

the moment.

ugh.. i don't know what happen to myself lately.. restless nights!!! ugh!! i just hate it when i thought i can rest properly and somehow, SOMETHING always came up and ruin my supposingly good rest... ugh... it's been quite a few days i didn't get 8 hours sleep.. i HAVE to get 8 hours of sleep.. if not, i'll act like a moron... i'll frown hard... i'll get irritated by anything at all... i'll get angry for no apparent reason... (harvey knows all the symptoms of less-than-8-hours-sleep..) i just HAVE to get at least 8 hours of sleep...... ugh!!! okay.. i have to go to work now...


[music on air]
mltr-25 minutes

[current mood]
ugh!!!!!!

[quote of the day]
there are moments when everything is so perfect and so wonderful but you almost feel sad because nothing can ever be as good again..

[next station]
WORK!

bad day...

okay... i wonder why i just can't get proper rest... just when i thought i can finally, this time, really finally, get a really good rest and go to work in the morning with a fresh face... ended up getting a text from my sister at 3a.m in the morning, telling me that her Persian cat, Russ-T fell off from her 13th-floor condo... that was such a BAD NEWS!!! i couldn't sleep after i got the news!! her other cat died in March,the same way too!!! God!! what has got into to both of her pets? i'm so sorry to hear that sad news.. and okay, after that, i couldn't sleep until 5.30a.m.. just when i finally kinda dozed off, the alarm rang... "what a NICE day?" i thought...

okay, so, i reached KL Plaza around 6.50a.m... waited until 7.40a.m for the manager to arrive... (we're supposed to open the store at 7.30a.m... ugh! ) and the other opening partner overslept and reached the store at 11.a.m... how great! -_-: and so.. there were so many people keep on coming in to get their breakfast and with those extremely fussy Arabs and French, it doesn't help to get things done easier at all... so, finally, i finished work and i decided to hang for a while with Adrian (since he's working at Std Chart, might as well go find him..).. we talked for a while then he had to go to work.. and i have to go home.. so, i took the monorail.. damn packed and when i got out from the train, i felt so sick.. then i have to walk for about 500 meters to the bus stop.. and waited 20 minutes for the bus.. felt like puking in the bus just now.. then i realised that i haven't eat my breakfast and lunch yet.. reached home at 6p.m and finally had my dinner at 7p.m... (very very VERY heavy dinner...)

that's not all...... i waited till 9p.m just to watch CSI 5 and i watched halfway when my dad came home from groceries shopping with two of his workers (one stays here permanently, another one overnight on wednesdays-fridays...).. then he asked me to do the laundry.. so i waited till the commercial break and do the laundry.. i was only away for like.. three-five minutes.. when i got back to the living room, one of my dad's worker actually SWITCHED the channel!!!! UGH!!!! i'm like.. "what the heck?? now i can't even watch my favourite tv show at MY OWN HOUSE???" ugh! i'm so frustrated... now, i have to lock myself in my room and blog and wait for the rerun at 1a.m.... -_-: ugh! i wonder what is my status in this house?? that fella was lucky enough cos i'm such a polite hostess.. if not, i'll just grab the remote and change the channel... ugh!!

what a bad day i had.....! i just wish that tomorrow will be better...

i miss harvey!!!


[sound on air]
the sound of the ceiling fan...

[current mood]
devastated..

[quote of the day]
this world is so unfair..

[next station]
guess i'll have to continue watching Gilmore Girls that i've downloaded.. -_-:

i'm so happy!!

okay... i just hung up the phone.. talked to harvey for an hour i guess... hehe... still, not enough of saying i miss him.. and updating him bout almost everything that i've actually e-mailed him for the past month... haha!! well.. things have certainly changed with the absence of him.. well, at least the changes are not so drastic and hurtful at all.. hehe.. of course there will be changes when someone is away.. even though the person is right beside us, things will change too.. how dumb of me, thinking that things will always be the same.. well.. i kinda got used to it now.. perhaps the distance make our love stronger.... and it definitely will make us realise who we really love...

ugh... i'm soooooo in love with harvey now.. and i sooooo miss him...

"will i be this happy if i never met you?"... that's what harvey said over the phone just now.. i'm kinda speechless when he said that.. well.. of course he'll be happy.. maybe just not this kind of happiness that he'll get.. he'll still be happy.. it's just that he's more than happier when he's with me.. hahah!!! so narcissistic... hahahr... but i'm very glad that we've found each other.. i could never wish for anything better to happen to me cos having him is the best thing ever... it's like a miracle.. he's like an angel out of nowhere.. (though people might mistake him as a devil.. lol!!) i'm so in love with this man...

oh well.. i'd always thought that bad things will happen after good things does.. but i think it's time to change the perception.. it's just the way we look at things.. if we look at the bright side, the whole 'bad' situation will totally turn into 'not-so-bad' situation.. people always ask, "what if there isn't any 'bright side'??" trust me.. there's always a bright side.. it's all just the way we look at it.. we think good, it'll turn out good.. we think bad.. then bad it is...

i can't wait to explore the world beyond me.. there's so many things that i have not seen.. so many things i have yet to learn.. and i know someday, i will see it all.. and i know i will live a wonderful life in the future..


[music on air]
i'll make love to you-boyz II men

[current mood]
super high!!

[quote of the day]
we have to let go the past to take in the future..

[next station]
gilmore girls!!!