boring.

very bored.

my grampa is sick. very sick. asthma. my aunties from malacca came this afternoon. they're still here. talking with my dad. oh, before i reached home just now, i heard that tragedy nearly happen in my house. no, not my grampa. my brother. haha! my dad almost whack him with the dining chair. yes. the dining chair. but it didn't happen. thanks to my aunties. they managed to stop him and calmed him down before the chair landed on my brother's body. all because of my brother's attitude. exam's around the corner and he's still not studying. sit in front of the pc and tv from the time he wake up until he sleep. so being a typical dad, couldn't stand it and started scolding and attempted to whack him. when i got home, my brother is STILL watching the tv. no point yelling at him.


i miss...

harvey.

my sister.

my brother in law.

korkor.

man.

ninie.

ann.

azuree.

michelle.

wei leng.

rifhan.

yee meng.

jenn hoel.

onisan.

kee sin.

poh yee.

ming keat.

rachel.

starbucks klp.



[music on air]
medley by leo ku.

[current mood]
having PMS.

[quote of the day]
stubborn people never learn from mistake.

[next station]
tv.hangout with michelle.

the phone call.

okay, so i woke up at 9a.m. and called harvey up to wish him "happy birthday".

he's a bookworm now. everytime i talk to him, he's either reading or doing assignment. and 81% was the lowest mark that he got for 1 of the 7 subjects that he took. and he told me that it's not enough. reason? because it's not an 'A'. 90% and above is an 'A'. and THAT was his mid-term results. seven subjects with all 'B' [80-89%]. and he's complaining. if i were to get 80% and above for all my papers, i'll be smiling from ear to ear everyday until the last day of college. too bad, reality DOES hurt sometimes. getting 45% for one paper is hard for me. let alone 80%. wake up denise. stop dreaming.

it's kinda fun talking to him. it's been a few months we didn't talk on the phone. not even instant messaging for a month now. it's good to hear his voice again. but he's got this stupid-typical-new-york slang. ugh. gotta get used to it tho. can't blame him for having that slang. he's with new yorkers every god damn day. he spends most of his time talking to them. so it's normal to have that slang right? like me having this superb malay-ish slang when i speak malay? because i hang out with malays most of the time? [i don't mean to praise myself.. it's just an instant example..].. okay.. i'm getting a lil narcissistic here.. oh..

by the way, i got another news today. a sad one. well.. not that i never expected it. harvey is definitely not coming back in this two years. he can't leave the country for another two years. it's the rule. sigh~ well, at least he can make it to my graduation day. that's IF he's coming back for my graduation day like he promised. but anyway, his sister's coming back. hehe... so i can pass his birthday present to her... that's IF i manage to complete the present. LOL! [ok, i seriously hope that i'll be able to complete it.]

hmm.

i got my hair trimmed today. and it's very obvious that it's few inches shorter! damn! that's not trimming. that's cutting! god! my dad always do this. when he cut my hair, he always overcut it. maybe he's jealous that i have a nice long hair? haha!!!! [ok. another sign of being a narcissist.] but he got me the highlight color that i wanted. chilly red!!!!! hehehe......


[music on air]
stop crying your heart out by oasis.

[current mood]
better than yesterday.

[quote of the day]
be strong.

[next station]
tv time!

the conversation.

ok. it's getting weirder. first, a rat was in my house. yesterday morning, i was sitting in the living room, watching tv and having my hot and steamy porridge. and i placed a peice of cake (it's in the plastic bag) on the coffee table. so while i was happily watching the show, i felt something came in from the closed grill. a MONKEY. yes. i turned and saw it. it quickily walked in and took the cake and ran out. and it made a pit stop at the flower pot and gave me that evil "hehehe-i-got-your-cake" look and climbed up the roof. so, first the rat. now the monkey. i wonder what will come into the house later.


so, today is harvey's birthday. and i tried to call his house just now.. to try my luck. maybe he's at home. or maybe i can leave a message telling him to go home at certain time to wait for my call. and his mother answered the phone. i talked to his mom for a while. and she told me something that's sad to hear.

the answering machine : hi, noone is available to answer your call. please leave a message after the tone. *toot*

denise : hi, it's denise here. anybody home???????

*paused*

denise : hello.............................

*another long pause*
someone picked up..

vey's mommy : hi denise... how are you?

denise : good auntie... how are you? *smile happily* (at that moment, i thought i won a lottery!)

vey's mommy : i'm fine here.. you want to talk to harvey?

denise : *before she could finish her sentence, i interupted* yea.. is he around?

vey's mommy : no, he's not around. he's got classes until 4p.m. but he'll be back around 7p.m and i'll take him out for dinner at 9p.m. gonna bring him out after his classes.

denise : so he's going back home tonight right? i can call him at this number right? (just to make sure..)

vey's mommy : yes. you can call him here around 8p.m. our time? oh it's already 13-hour difference now, you know that right?

denise : yea. i knew that. mommy told me.

then we continued talking about my studies and here's a the part that i'm sad of..

vey's mommy : so did harvey replied your emails? he told me that you're working at zouk as a clerk..

denise : yea, i'm working there part time. no, he didn't reply my emails. i gave up emailing him. *nervous laugh*

vey's mommy : huh?? he never reply ah? sigh~ maybe he's too tired with his work here. he's been studying very hard lately. nelly told me that she's worried bout his brother a lot. first, she's worried that he'll score better than her. hahaha! second, she's afraid that he'll collapse one day. he wake up early in the morning and study. he hardly sleep.

denise : yea. i heard from him too. study only. he's like that in malaysia also. never sleep and go work.

vey's mommy : i'm worried of his health. and one more thing. he never smile. i don't know whether he's happy or not here. he keeps everything to himself. he looks unhappy. i don't know. he's always tired and moody.

denise : *surprised*speechless*let out another nervous laugh* oh.. is it? hmm..

we continued talking bout other stuff for a while and hung up.

"he never smile. i don't know whether he's happy or not here". this phrase kept playing on my mind from the moment i heard it till now. and his mom sounded so worried.

knowing that broke my heart.

it really broke my heart.

why is he unhappy? why he never say it out?

and all this while, i thought he's having a great time kicking some new york ass.



[music on air]
new slang by the shins.

[current mood]
not good at all. i wish i could give him a big hug. a tight one.

[quote of the day]
never assume things. be sure of it.

[next station]
sleep!

the long-distance relationship.

so went to the halloween party at zouk last night with jennhoel, cheemeng, weileng, yeemei and her friends. korkor was there too. debb partied the night before so she didn't go. last night was the first night of partying after a month i stopped going to clubs. oh, saw melissa at the loft too. hehe.. it was a great party. but then, after i reached home around 4.30a.m, i couldn't sleep. i just curled up on my bed, under the comforter and enjoyed the chilly atmosphere in my room. before anything happens, i heard the alarm rang. 7.30a.m. i still couldn't sleep. so i took a hot shower, had my breakfast while watching 'the mask of zorro' on axn and went to work. slept for a while at work tho.

anyway, i did something terrible last night. hmm.. the purpose is to help her out. but when i thought about it today, there is another way to help her out. i just used the wrong approach. but then, i still think that it's not a very bad thing to do afterall.

and yea, i did something very impulsive today. haha! i bought a magazine. yes. CLEO. hahaha! i never really read magazines since high school, but i just don't know why i bought it. and to my surpirse, i read something interesting that i would like to post it up here. so here it goes..



LOVE. LONG DISTANCE.

"Out of sight, out of mind." Or is it, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder?"
The pickle of long-distance relationships and whether they can ever work continues to confound lovers the world over.

Be honest: When is the last time you heard of a successful long-distance relationship? We're not talking about the three-month stint to complete your degree overseas, or the six-month internship outstation. We're talking about serious love stories, the kind that makes you go all warm and fuzzy inside, the kind that lasts more than one year, with no hanky-panky in between, and which ends with a tearful reunion and marriage.

Real-life examples of successful long-distance relationships are few and far in between. Companies are not bound to transfer their employees' spouses with them wherever they go without good reason - without their partners, husbands and wives the world over would be falling in and out of love with strangers!

"Many people choose to give a long-distance relationship a try, with the constant curiosity if it was the right decision to make and if it even stands a chance," says Alina Ruigrok, a relationship expert. "The truth is, a long-distance relationship has just as much a distance of succeeding as any other relationship!" But is there anything that you can do to make your odds of it working out better?

You're not alone... are you?
Diane, a 24-year-old undergraduate, was seperated from her boyfriend of two years when he went to the United Kingdom to complete his post-graduatestudies, She remembers the sepration vividly: "We had spent so much time together during those two years," she says. "Studying, partying, loving... and suddenly, he was out of reach. Before, I always knew I could be next to him wheneverI wanted just by calling a taxi. But with him in England, that was not possible anymore."

According the Steven Blake, author of Loving Your Long Distance relationship, more than 10 million couples around the world, like Diane and her boyfriend, are coping with long-distance love affairs.University students, working couples, people in the armed forces and even Hollywood stars who spend their time making movies on opposite sides of the globe struggle to keep their love alive over great distances.

What's the one thing that is different between long-distance relationship or (for lack of a better word) "close-distance" ones? The answer: Seperation. two lovers could be seperated over miles of desert and sea, or simply by a wall three inches thick. It makes no difference: The fact is, you still cannot see their face, cannot touch them, cannot love them. [i personally don't agree with the "cannot love them" part. i still can love harvey. who said you can't love them when you're seprated?] You can talk to each other until the cows come home of course... but is that enough to keep a love affair going? The sceptics say no, of course. But others are more optimistic.

"A long-distance relationship takes away your ability to see each other on a frequent note, as well as the choice of being intimate whenever you desire, not to mention that there would be a major trust required," says Ruigrok. "Being unable to spend time together in a physical presence makes it harder to hang on to, but does not spell doom for your relationship."

Long-distance relationship can work provided both of you are into it as much as the other, and that's the only true caveat. In a normal relationships, if one person starts to lose interest, the other person is able to reignite the love by a simple touch or caress. Staring deep into the other person's eyes is often enough to remind them why they were once so much in love with you.

Watching the other person laugh out loud at your silly jokes, or to see his lustful gaze sweep across your body on a Friday night about town is sometimes all it takes to bring you back to where you were before.

Not so in long-distance relationships. Bereft of the senses of sight and touch, long-distance love affairs only have one thing to support them: A promise. It has to have an equal amount of commitment from both sides because that promise is all you've really got to hold onto. Sure you can talk and write to each other. But even if someone says, "I love you" over the phone everyday, how are you supposed to actually feel loved? You can know you're loved, of course - he's no liar, you know that much. But can you feel loved if you never feel his breath on your cheek or fingers in your hair? [okay, this is quite what's on my mind few months back. haha!]

Diane's relationship did not survived the test. Other men started showing her attention while her boyfriend was away, and she was lonely enough to appreciate their intentions. Fortunately for her, she didn't have to be the one to end it - turns out her boyfriend was having the same trouble, and when he called her one night to break the news that he'd "found someone else", she was not sure if she broke into tears of heartbreak or relief.

"We barely spoke to each other," says Diane. "In the first month, my phone bill soared to over RM1,000. My parents flipped, and when we had to limit ourselves to short phone callls every fortnight or so. It was so difficult convincing myself that I still belonged to him six months later, to feel like I was in a loving relationship. So when other guys started courting me, I succumbed. [i think she didn't love her boyfriend very much. if they really love each other, that wouldn't happen.]

Diane and her boyfriend tried letters, too, but there were too few and far in between. She remembers feeling a guilty lump in her throat whenever she founds a letter with an England stamp in her post box. "I wish I wasn't doing anything wrong - just some coffee dates and innocent stuff like that. But the fact that I could even agree to that made me realise that my feelings towards him were not as strong anymore, and that was upsetting," Diane recalls.

Technology helps... or does it?
Some say Diane could have tried modern tachnology to help her keep in touch with her boyfriend more frequently. What with instant messaging, SMS, email and Internet telephony, you'd think that keeping the flame burning despite being apart would be easier than ever. Sadly, it's not. The problem has always been finding the will to stay in touch. If a long-distance relationship is going to fail, it's not going to do so for lack of technology, but lack of commitment. [true. very true.]

"If you want your bond to stay strong and loving, you have to hear from one another often, leaving as little room for any of you to start getting paranoid about anything," advises Ruigrok.

There are more ways to keep in closer contact with each other these days than ever before. New technologies and services pop up all the time that make communication cheaper and more fulfilling. But all of it can do nothing if the two of you are not commited to the relationship, and are ready to face the hazards a long-distance love affair entails: Jealousy, envy, loneliness and paranoia (the cancer of all long-distance relationships - when both of you constantly worry about the other person's level of commitment, and are afraid of losing them)

Once you're aware of the chanllenges in long-distance relationship, it becomes much easier to anticipate the problems that will arise and to plan for them. The first and most important thing many couples seem to forget is that their seperation is not indefinite - in most instances, there is a planned time for being away (completing a degree, fulfilling a contract), after which the person who has gone away is supposd to return. Kepping that moment in the horizon, much like you would the last day of school, will help you remain focused.

It also helps if the two of you talk about the time ahead as much as pissible as it approaches, reminding yourselves that your time apart is temporary and you have all the you'll want with each other up ahead. Beware the partner who prefers to be vague about how long he's going to be away.

"You do not want to end up waiting forever," warns Ruigrok. "There will be a day when you and your partner will have to start planning a serious future. If your partner truly loves you and wants to be with you, then he would not want to wait forever to be with you." [ouch.]

Change is good... or is it?
Even worse is waiting for that day, and then learning it was all for nothing. People change - especially young people - when they stay in different countries. Even if your relationship survives the time and distance apart, there is a very good chance you will reunite only to find that you don't like each other anymore.

Some girls will no doubt find these changes nice - foreign-accented boyfriends are always nice to show off among friends. [eww.. if harvey comes back with a weird accent, i'll just ask him to shut up. haha!] But like them or not, changes are inevitable, especially if the seperation involves different countries. You cannot expect someone to go abroad to study or work and not return at least a little altered. Diane, for instance, found herself rather glad she did not wait for her boyfriend when she met him upon his return (they wanted to remain friends).

"He came back with an awful English accent and arrogance that i dislike immediately," she says. "Before he left he was courteous, kind, even friendly. But now he was like 'Oh you know in England we do this and that'... as though he were English and not Malaysian!"

If you manage to stay in touch frequently, then you will grow with these changes, of course. But even then, you might find them unacceptable. One of the reasons that Diane tired of the late-night phone conversations with her boyfriend, rare as they were, was because all he ever talked about was himself. "Typical of people that study overseas, he began to think of himself as superior to the rest of us, I guess," Diane says, not a little bitterly. "He was overbearing. Lecturing me bout everything like a bloody university lecturer!"

Finding the will - and means - to stay in touch is probably the hallmark of all successful long-distance relationships. But the quality of your communication is even more important. Even if your time to speak to each other is unlimited, make sure it's time well spent. If either of you spends too much time talking about your problems, or yourselves, then all you do is make the conversations unhappy ones, full of anger and frustration. Don't waste time bickering about how one of you makes more effort than the other to call, or why the other person is never at home. Don't waste time crying because it only racks up the phone charges and makes the other person sad. And whatever you do, never accuse or hint at the other person being unfaithful - that's when paranoia sets in, and when the sleepless nights begin.

Make an effort to make sure you bring joy to other person in your brief messages. Remind him all the things he loves about you, and remind yourself about the things that you love about him. The more smiles you send each other over the miles (yes, they can travel through phone line and Internet!), the happier both of you will be, and the better your odds are of making your long-distance relationship work.


At a dead end? Red flags that your long distance lover is not as serious about it as you are :

He never calls. It doesn't matter who can make calls more cheaply. If he makes no effort to his bank and call you at least now and then, there is a pretty good chance he's having much fun without you to call.

He never talks about the future. He might say things like, "Well talk about the future when I/you get back, ok? For now, let's deal with the present." This means he's unsure about the future with you because he may have other options where he is that he wants to explore. (but of course, he's not going to tell you that.)

He makes no plans to get together with you. A lover - a real lover -will always try to overcome the odds and find at least some time to spend with you. He could save money to buy a ticket for you to come see him (or the other way round), he could organise a company trip to his hometown (where you are, convenient enough!), he may even plan a vacation to somewhere in between and ask you to meet him there. If he does nothing like this over the course of a year or two, he's just not willing to put in the effort. Note: Remember you can make the same plans so don't be shy!

He prefers email instead of phone calls or instant messaging. Of course, email is cheaper than phone calls. But although this might be his main contention, there are other benefits to email which he won't mention. Firstly, he does not have to make sure his room is quiet to answer email. Secondly, he does not have to answer email immediately, unlike instant messaging. Thirdly, if he goes on a romp with a girl, he can always say that the local internet connection was "down" over the weekend. How will you ever know?

You start getting interested in other men. It's not always the man's fault, you know. Sometimes, a relationship can end with you. Make sure you regconise the signs that you are losing interest in maintaining a long-distance relationship, and be honest with yourself about it - you won't be the first, and you won't be the last. Be sure to also fair to him, and tell him how you feel. He may try to change your mind, but you can't blame him for that.

the unforgetable day.

ok, just when i thought that i can finally sleep happily and wake up early in the morning and go to class, the ever loving great grandson of mickey mouse crawled on my bed and runied my perfect plan. yes. just like what i wrote in the previous post. there is a rat in my room. well, actually, i saw it the night before. i saw a shadow passed by the door and crawled out. the door was closed! imagine how small it is. so i thought it's gone forever. but yesterday, i was trying to sleep, but few minutes after i switched off the light, i felt something moving pass my foot. i quickily jumped off the bed and switch on the light. (luckily i didn't scream..). so i checked the bed, nothing on top. i moved the bed. nothing. then i just lost interest sleeping in my room last night. i turn on the pc and talked to yeemeng and weileng. while i was explaining it to yeemeng, i heard some sound from the window blind. it's rattan blind and beige colored. and i saw the cute lil rat is trying to get on top. but half the journey going up, it fell. and went behind the large box where i put junks in it. so a few minutes after that, i saw it passing by from the door and went behind the closet. so it's been going round and round my small lil squared room. and me, on the other hand, felt very very VERY distracted and nervous and speechless and disgusted, made another attempt to find the rat. i moved the bed again. this time, daddy heard the noise and woke up. i told him and he said it's those rat who eats wheat and rice. and he asked me to sleep at my sister's room. oh, i sprayed some Shieldtox everywhere tho. and i saw the rat made the second attempt to climb up the blind. and just before i got to grab the paper bag, it fell and i don't know where it went.

the rat is STILL inside. i know it's still inside.

thanks to the cute lil rat, i didn't get a good sleep the whole night. woke up a thousand times. and skipped two classes again. how great!

and they say mickey mouse is cute. i think they will change their perception of how cute mickey mouse is once they have a rat crawled on their bed at night.

so life is not so boring and dull as i thought tho. million thanks to the rat.



[music on air]
here by me by 3 doors down.

[current mood]
confused. why the rat have to attack my room?

[quote of the day]
be brave.

[next station]
eat. shower. work.

the rat.

a rat just crawled on my bed and happily walked pass my foot. yes. A RAT. ON MY BED.

speechless now. will continue tomorrow.

the conversation.

i went for a drink with jennhoel just now. talked a lot. no, crap a lot. his stupid jokes and mean thoughts. at this one point, we both remained silent for a while. i looked at the corner of the shop and started thinking bout some stuff. then he asked me, "what are you staring at la??" i grinned and say, "nothing la.. just looking around..".. so we talked a while and another silence came. i stared at another corner and i heard him saying, "just let it go. don't force yourself anymore. how long you still want to wait for him?" at that moment, i was shocked. i replied with a smile, "are you psychic? how come you know EXACTLY what i'm thinking now?". he just smiled. i was actually thinking bout harvey. our relationship. i was thinking about how is he doing now. have he received the stuffs that i sent him? etc.. i didn't even tell jennhoel bout my relationship's status. i didn't even tell him what i've been thinking lately. then he said, "i know you for how long? by just looking at you, i know exactly what's in your mind. you can't lie." and it's true. he knows whenever i'm in a dilemma even though i tried hard to hide it. then i told him, "yea, you know what i'm thinking, but you don't know how i feel. and i know how you feel whenever you're down, but i don't know what's in your mind." i grinned. like i know it all. "i'll wait until the day comes." and he said, "what do you know about him? what if he's already got a girl there?" i just smiled, "i'll be very happy if he tells me that he already got a girl. but i know he doesn't have one there. his girl is me." he replied, "how sure are you? you're wasting your time." still holding on my believe, i replied, "i know that we'll be very happy one day." and he said, "yea.. both of you will be very happy. it's just the matter of who you guys are with at that time." i just replied, "i know that we're gonna be very happy. and i hope that we'll be happy together, not with someone else." and jennhoel, still not giving up, said, "yea. you said HOPE only. you're not even sure about it." then i told him that everything will work out. i'm sure that we're gonna be very happy together in the future. this is only a trial for us. to see if our love is true or not. and i changed the topic.

jennhoel has been telling me to go on with my life and forget harvey. well, he's not the first person who told me that. a lot of people told me that long distance doesn't work. and they had been asking me to give up and move on. and that i'm wasting my time. but seriously, they are wrong. it's just the way we look at it. and even before i met harvey, i have always believed in long distance relationship. it's challenging. and for me, we'll know how true our partner is while we're apart for some time. and i have faith in harvey. despite the consistency of no replies from him, i know that he have me somewhere in his heart. and perhaps that's just the way he is. i used to think negatively back then. but now, i accepted it. the fact that he is like that.


i love harvey. nothing and nobody can stop me from doing that.

The Dreams.

i'm supposed to be doing my assignment now. but seriously, my mind is like... blocked. i can't think of anything to write. and the due date... is tomorrow. i'm a deadmeat.

i dreamt of harvey again. those dreams started to annoy me. lately, all my dreams are so bad. and sad.. let me write out what happened..

so i finally went to meet him. we dropped by this stinky and dirty office. i can't remember why we're there. so i sat on the chair where there's a table for us to do paperwork. sitting beside me was this normal looking black guy, doing his work. and beside him was a woman, reading the newspaper. and harvey, i don't know where he went. and suddenly, i automatically know the reason we went there. (haha!) [to get some "stuff"] harvey told me that he desperately need it and that black guy sitting beside me is the dealer. and i talked to him. he gave me some signals that the girl beside him is an undercover cop. (HAHAHA!) so i left my contact number to him and walked off. (okay, stupid dream.stupid thing to do.) and while we're walking, i told him bout my assignment, which have not been done and the due date is tomorrow and i'm at new york!!! (still thinking bout assignment while i'm asleep..) so i told harvey about it and he said, "you're oversea. he(the lecturer) will understand if you pass it up later." (hahaha!!!) so after walking a few blocks, there's this road that we have to cross. and suddenly harvey walked before me and crossed the road. then i looked right, no car. i look left, there's a bus coming but it's very far away. so i cross it.. just before i got to the other end, the bus passed by just two inches in front of me! i nearly got knocked down by a BUS. i was numb that time and i thought i was dead. (it's very real!). so harvey came to me and pulled me back to the corner of the road. i was speechless. and shocked. i cried on his shoulder and the next thing i heard..... was his snore. -_-: i woke up and went back to sleep, hoping that i'll never have a dream like that again.

i still don't know how to do the assignment..


[music on air]
when i come around by greenday.

[current mood]
still numb.

[quote of the day]
screwed is not the word. deadmeat is more like it.

[next station]
do assignment. wash bedsheet. clean up room. stressed!

the misconception.

so i was walking to the bus station after work this evening and i saw something ugly. the scene of people spitting and blowing their nose on the sidewalk. okay, it's not something that we've never seen in malaysia. well, at least it's something that i always see whenever i'm at the bus station. and also, men who can walk and talk normally, asking money from other people. and some people give them money so that they will leave with their smelly clothes. and i wonder... why they have to do that? can't they just clean themselves up and look for a job? can't they go to those shelter homes or maybe church to seek some help? i'm sure there's places that helps those unfortunate people.

and also, i walked pass this two people, a couple i guess. the girl was holding some tissues on her hand and she just toss it down the small water-exit to the drain. those holes along the roadside was actually designed to get the water flowing during heavy rain. to avoid flood. and some people just threw rubbish in that hole, assuming that it's a rubbish bin. and people always complain about how slow the water flow when it's raining heavily. thanks to those people who assumed that those tiny holes every 3-4 feet along the raod is a rubbish hole.

the story.

i woke up feeling ugly+fat+stupid+angry+crazy today. and yesterday.

let me start with yesterday.

okay, normally, i will wake up at 7a.m and switch on the monitor to see if harvey's online. that's a routine. everyday. without fail, i will turn it on at 7a.m and turn the speaker volume to the highest so that when i go back to sleep, i'll know if he goes online. but everyday without fail, he did not go online and i will go back to sleep like usual. i was thinking about him the day before yesterday though. and yesterday, i woke up at 7a.m like usual. but i thought, since that i didn't see him online lately, i assumed that he's not online and went back to sleep without bothering to go to the pc. so, i finally woke up at 9.30a.m and switch on the monitor. and guess what? yes. i think you guys guessed it right. i saw his messages in yahoo messenger. offline text. and it says there, "harveybaby has signed out at 9.24a.m". GREAT huh? there goes a day, missing him more.


so, i was sitting at this chinese shop for a hot drink. it's been raining since morning so i decided to hang around there. i was sitting there alone, watching the rain. around half an hour after that, there's this bunch of guys came. i think there's around 8-10 of them. one of them were pulling chairs from other tables for the rest of his friends. i looked up. and i saw a familiar face. i walked nearer to him and stood in front of him. i just kept my eyes on his. he stopped what he's doing and looked at me. words can't come out of my mouth at all as i was too shocked to see him there. he just stood there and look at me. after a while, i began to feel angry. angry because he didn't seem to care. angry because he didn't tell me that he's there. after a few seconds of staring, i angrily took my bag and walked off. i walked in the rain. and i never felt so sad walking in the rain. my anger covered my eyes at that moment. i couldn't think of anything else to do but to leave that place. to be away from him. but deep down inside, i really wanted to give him a big hug and tell him how i feel. how happy i was seeing him there. after walking a few yards, i looked back. he's not there. he didn't stop me from walking away. i looked up and i saw the water dropped like crystal falling from the sky. i closed my eyes to feel the rain drops. when i opened my eyes, i realised that it was only a dream. but i felt tears in my eyes.

and that person i saw in that dream, it was harvey.

it seems so real. the feeling still lingers until now. and i swear i can feel the raindrops.

seriously, if he ever comes back without telling me beforehand and meet other people before me, i'm gonna kill him. i'm sure i'm gonna kill him.

haha.

part of me wished that it was true. at least i got a chance to see him and get mad. at least i can stare at him without saying a word. at least he's right in front of me.


i looked in the mirror this morning and i feel so fat. my face is like... bloated. and today was my bad hair day. and also, my pc didn't run yesterday. lagged like shit. and i thought i have to get it fixed one more time.. but i tried my luck just now and it runs normally. (well, after a few times of banging the casing and pulling off and pushing in those cables..)

this week is just not my week.

but not so bad though. i went to the flea market at mont kiara with my college friends yesterday. i bought a butterfly choker. black colored. something like crystal and it has tiny diamond-like stones on the body. going to shoe-hunt next week. *winkz* but i'm broke like shit. haha!


[music on air]
the middle by jimmy eat world.

[current mood]
moody.

[quote of the day]
believe in yourself in order to make others believe in ourself.

[next station]
watch tv.

the fairy tale.

remember the first time we met?
you grined at me
i smiled weakly and said "hi"
and i turned back and walked away
you thought that i was cocky back then
but you were all wrong.

remember the first time we talked?
i told you some of my thoughts
you sat there and listened patiently
never set your eyes off of me
at that moment, i figured that you are "the one" for me.

remember the first time you saw me crying?
you looked so worried and tried to comfort me
you told me jokes to make me happy
you told me that everything will be okay
that i can put it all away.

remember the first time you said you like me?
i told you that i feel the same way too
i can feel you smiling happily over the phone
our heart beats faster than running the marathon.

remember the first time you hold my hand?
you held it so tight, like you will never let it go
like it's so precious and so wonderful
like you found a missing part of yourself.

remember the first time you kissed me?
you watched me dozing off on the bed
and you placed your lips on my forehead
i thought i was dreaming and i made a wish
i wished that i will never wake up and stayed in that dream.

-15th oct 2005-



been not feeling very good lately. i mean.. emotionally. wanted to let it out. but somehow,things just keep on happening and i've got no time to let it out at all. been thinking a lot less lately. but still, it didn't feel right. at all.

i don't want to think so much of those things that i'm thinking. and i want to think about the things that i've not been thinking at all.

i always tell myself that everything will be okay soon. but nothing seems to be okay. i thought i can handle my emotions well. but i realised that i'm not handling it well at all.

everything seems to be so blurry now. i can't see what's ahead of me anymore. i can't see clearly. everything is so uncertain. so fake. just like a fairy tale.

the corruption.

http://corrupted-malaysia.blogspot.com

visit this site if you want to know more about Malaysia's policemen, court system and the experience of the innocents.

i felt sorry for them. the innocents. well, this kinda shit happens in Malaysia everyday. though it's not in the newspapers, tv news or other sources, it DOES happen. it's true.

hmm.. i don't understand why people like "old fart", who posted comments on the blog page, like to degrade other people and smash their hopes. if everybody in Malaysia think like the way he is thinking, well, i guess there will be no more justice in this place. ok, what he said was true but that is because nobody dares to speak up for their rights. what the writer in that blog did is the first step of protecting ones right in a country. furthermore, they're clinically tested and proved innocent.

hmm..

it reminds me of my friend's case. her 24 year-old younger sister was raped by a retired policeman last year. she gave birth to a baby boy this year. and she is mentally retarded since young. i got to know about this last week. and it's sad. her sister does not even know what is sex. and that old man who got her pregnant actually gave her some money everytime he rape her. yes. he GAVE some MONEY to her EVERYTIME. means.. it happened a few times before they got to know she's pregnant. and when her family members got to know, she's already 6 months pregnant (she's petite, so nobody noticed until she complained that she have stomachache).. she's mentally retarded, and she don't know what is sex and the word 'rape' and the consequences of it. people around her used to give her small amount of money whenever they see her on the street.. because of her condition. people sympathize her and give her money often. so, when that old man rape her and give her money, she thought that it's normal cos people always give her money. so now, my friend is fighting for her sister. yes. against a retired POLICEMAN. even her advisor told her that the possibility of winning the case is almost 0%, she still want to fight for it. because she's fighting against a government department. and what that old man did was terrible and he thought he can get away with it because he used to be a policeman and apparently, have A LOT of contacts in the police department. how cruel was that. and now, they are twisting the story, saying that it's the sister who "seduced" him. (he owns a mini market at her house area, she often go there to buy things like pencil, glu, etc). SEDUCED him? and also said that she did it willingly. WILLINGLY!!!! God! she doesn't even know what is he doing to her at that moment! of course she didn't fight back. it's because she DOESN'T KNOW. hmm.... but she still have other evidence. the son. they went to the doctor and checked his DNA. it's a match to the old man. definitely gotta be a match. since there is no other evidence, the DNA result will be the one and only prove that he is the one who got her pregnant. but there is still no evidence of him raping her. a tough case, huh? and my friend is gonna fight for her sister no matter what other people say. it's not about fighting against the government. it's about standing up for their rights. just because you have strong contacts doesn't mean that you can get away with crime. even if that old man got away with it, i'm sure guilt will haunt him every night before he goes to sleep every night.

ugly huh?

and i wonder why they say Malaysia is a beautiful country with beautiful people when all we have out there is big fat ugly corrupted cops and gutless big-mouthed citizens.


[music on air]
judge jules'.

[current mood]
confused. proud to be Malaysian? or not?

[quote of the day]
Time is too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice,
But for those who love,
time is eternity.

the depression.

i went for a movie with wei leng and swee sum. watched 'the longest yard'. it was nice. well.. at least it's not a sad movie..

been quite depressed lately. i don't know how to let it out. i began to wonder if i'm really depressed. i wonder what is depression. what is sadness? and what is happiness? what am i feeling lately...? i have no idea. i felt strange. all i want to do is cry myself out.. but that is the thing that i couldn't do. i can't even drop a single tear.

i remember what my lecturer back in Stamford told me when i talked to him last two years. i was trying to surpress myself from crying when i talked to him. but at towards the end of our conversation, i cried.. yet, i was holding back my tears.. i don't want to look weak in front of others. then he told me, "denise, you don't even know how to cry in a proper way." that's exactly what he said to me. and i thought, "i AM crying now.. how can he said i don't know how to cry?" and i'm still wondering why he said that to me.

serious fuck, i really feel like crying myself out and go to sleep and wake up to be a happier person the next day.


[music on air]
qi li xiang by jay zhou.

[current mood]
not good.

[quote of the day]
you'll learn how to live when you've learned how to die.

the subjective.

love... it's very subjective... you can try to forget it.. you can stop thinking about it.. you can stop caring for it. but you can't perish it. no matter how hard you try to get rid of it, it's still there. want it or not.. you can't get rid of it. it'll linger around you with or without your desire.

hmm.. daddy's sick today. sigh~ and i got scolded for nothing. ok.. not scoldings but nags... i asked him yesterday night whether he went to see the doctor or not.. he said no. so i thought, maybe he's getting better, so he doesn't want to go. but this morning, when he got back from i-don't-know-where, he just nagged non stop.. saying something like.. "i'm sick and i have to cook breakfast for you guys... bla bla... i went to the clinic MYSELF and the doctor said i should've asked someone to drive me.. bla bla...i'm so weak that i couldn't walk.. bla bla.." i'm like.. "what the fuck man??" ugh!!! i just kept quiet the whole time he nagged... i've asked him before, he said he's not going to the clinic.. fine.. i told him not to prepare the breakfast the night before, he said no.. and this morning, he nagged.. so tell me, what the heoul?

hmm...

life's been bumpy lately. went through tough shits. learned a lot. more than what i thought that i've learned. getting by now..

i've done things that i'm not so proud of.. i've done things that made people around me worried sick about me.. i've done things to make other people's day.. i've done things that a best friend doesn't do.. i've done things to fit in.. i've done things that made other people think.. i've done things that annoyed people.. i've done things that makes me feel good.. i've done things that makes me feel terrible..

even so, there are still a LOT of things that i haven't tried to do.. lol! well.. i begin to feel "old" now.. tired of doing things that used to make me feel great.. tired of trying hard to make things happen.. so i guess i'll just let it be..

i miss my sister and her friends... and i seriously miss talking to harvey.. hmm...


[music on air]
fantasy by mariah carey.

[current mood]
i'm in a wear-skimpy-clothes mood... haha!

[quote of the day]
never judge a book by its cover.

the sleepless nights.

i can't sleep. it's been a few nights that i can't sleep when i want to. been sick for few days. and everytime when i'm about to sleep, my throat itches and i started sneezing and coughing non stop. sigh~ i seriously wanna sleep NOW... but been tossing and turning on my bed for an hour.. still can't sleep. i wonder what's happening.. i don't want to be late to class tomorrow morning.. there'll be a test.. fuck ballz.... talking bout test... reminds me of my assignments.. i don't even know what is it all about!! i have NO IDEA what to do... shit ballz... i'm in a big trouble this time... i don't wanna fuck things up again..

seriously.. i really really wanna sleep...

been thinking about harvey lately.. i wonder how is he doing. i think about him a lot.. but then again... i think i've been thinking bout love a lot less lately. no, not that i love him less.. i just think less bout love now. now, for me, love is like... it's just a word.. like any other words.. meaningful when you're really into it.. meaningless when it turns out ugly..

i don't want to think about it so much though. perhaps i'm afraid of it.. afraid of the outcome at the end of the day.. afraid of losing it.. so, might as well think less and worry less bout it, right?

i'm going to try sleeping now..


[music on air]
qing tian by jay zhou.

[current mood]
lovesick.

[quote of the day]
it's just the way we look at it.