Being Stubborn.

How to move forward if you keep repeating the same mistakes? Doing the same thing over and over again..

How do you forgive and not forget?

Perhaps it's true that being persistent and being stubborn is a thin line.

And I happened to have fallen in the latter category.

Perhaps it's true that I'm being stubborn. Too stubborn to admit a mistake I've made. Too stubborn to admit I was wrong. Too stubborn to acknowledge it.

All these things happened to myself, I am the main culprit. The one who is slowly killing. Slowly slicing off little by little. And when the time comes, when there's nothing else to slice, what will happen?

There's nothing left.

What will I become?

A monster.

Cold blooded killer

Loop.

Another year filled with ups and downs.

I often wonder.. When will it end? When will this cycle stop looping?

It keeps coming back to haunt me every now and then. What did I do? Or perhaps, should I ask, what is it that I didn't do or did wrong?

The feeling of uncertainty is constantly hammering my heart.

I'm tired. Exhausted. To a point where it doesn't seem to matter anymore.

The fear of unknown is so overwhelming. How do I stop myself from fearing? How do I start? Where shall I start?

I'm constantly putting myself in a position where I couldn't bring myself back to where it begin. Nothing is going to be back to square one. Who am I kidding? Damage is done and will be done no matter what. What is stopping me from moving forward? How do I move forward without hurting? How strong will I be? How strong am I to begin with?

They always say, time will tell. Yes, told and brutally smack my face with a reality that I refuse to accept.

Do die, don't do also die. Why must it be this way?

Sigh.

What is the right thing to do?

Living the mediocre life where you will be accepted by majority or living the blissful life where you will be out casted by them?

No matter which one you choose, at the end of the day, there’ll still be unhappiness.

But let’s just put the unhappiness aside and think.

Why do we need approval from the whole world of what we do? Who set the rules of what is accepted and what is not? Just because majority doesn’t think that it’s right doesn’t makes it wrong, no?

It’s easy to say that we don’t have to care what others says, as long as we do what we think is right for us and just be happy. But who are we kidding when we say that we shouldn’t care? Deep down inside, we cared a lot about others opinion. We cared about how others see us. We give a lot of damn about how others judge us. We cared because we’re all egoistic. Though in actual fact, really, no matter what you do, others opinions are not important. How they see us is really up to them. How they want to be judgmental is really none of our business. So it all goes back to the point… just don’t fucking care. Because at the end of the day, they too, don’t give a fuck after they voiced out what’s in their mind. They don’t give a fuck after saying hurtful things, scaring you with the worst possible thing that they imagined could happen to you. They just don’t give a fuck cos they’re just being courteous or trying to show that they’re being modest. So after all that, what will happen? Nothing. Everyone will go back to where they are. Overtime, they will forget what they said to you. They won’t remember whatever things that happened to you. Because they are not you. They don’t go through the shit that you’re experiencing.

So, happy or not, is not others to judge but ourselves.

I Love Myself

I have a lot in my mind that I wanted to share here. Yet words just don’t come out easily anymore nowadays.

So many things happening at one time and it’s drowning me.

I kept holding on to it, hoping that miracle would happen.

Hoping things would turn out differently.

Hoping things will change.

But in the midst of hoping, I realized that I’ve not done anything to make it happen.

Perhaps it’s time to grow up.

Time to change myself and face the reality.

Time to admit it.

I deserve better than this.

A lot more than this.

Can Angels Have Devil's Horn?

Been sitting on the fence for too long.

It hurts to know they don’t appreciate.

I guess sometimes, you just need a dash of selfishness to solve problems.

Being selfless doesn’t mean being right.

Being diplomatic doesn’t solve anything.

It’ll only make matters worse.

Time to step down from that fence and have some freedom.

Been good for too long. Time to let the horns out.

Just Like The Cigarette

once burned, it will never go back into its original shape anymore.

赤いの雨が降っている

Photo stolen from Google Image

I don’t know why but there’s a sudden gush of emo-ness came flooding in today.


It feels like a thousand needles stabbing through my heart.

It feels like the heart is crumpled and smashed.

It doesn’t feel too good.

It’s like it can never heal just yet.

Nothing out of ordinary happened today. But this feeling is so familiar like it happened before.

Yes. I think it happened before.

Somewhere. Some time ago.

Those time when listening to the rainfall is so comforting.

When the drops of rain composed a beautiful song.

When everything is not as complicated.

Those times.

And then, the rain stopped.

And the beautiful melody is forgotten.

The raindrops became a puddle of water waiting to be washed down the drain.

Little by little it went.

The sun shined and everything seems different.

And I tried to remember that song.

It just doesn’t sound the same anymore.

Verbal Diarrhea.

1. Took a few days off last week to solve some family matters. FTS. Nothing’s gonna change and I’m tired of all this crap. It’s sickening. It’s all nonsense.


2. I’ve learned that you have to be strong-willed, be calm and think straight when everybody else around you is nervous.

3. Going back to work after a week off is the worst thing ever at the moment. I wish today is a weekend.

4. My office just subscribed to UNIFI and it doesn’t make any difference. Still. Damn. Slow.

5. I need to work harder to earn more money. Aih. A never ending problem of mine.

6. I finally found the discountinued perfume that I was looking for the longest time. The feeling is perhaps like discovering a hidden treasure.

7. Yea. This is actually a ranting emo dunno-what post.

8. I’m on a shopping ban now, perhaps until the third quarter. Haha. I bought 3 shoes (fml 2 pairs are damn uncomfortable not human wear wan..), few tops and dresses, a bag, a pants… ok lah.. most of them can wear to work wan… *can you hear excuses? Meh.*

9. Too many things happening. Actually one major one is enough for me to grow plenty of white hair and permanent wrinkled forehead.

10. Nobody can help you if you’re not willing to help yourself.

11. Sudden crave for Japanese food again.

12. My laptop is going bonkers.

13. Dear John movie is super disappointed. I hope the book is better.. gonna start reading it soon.

14. That reminds me of the 30+ books that I have not touch since I bought it… cos I haven’t wrap it lah..

15. Random habit of mine.. I cannot read books that I haven’t wrapped. Just feels weird.

16. I’m watching this TVB drama, “Yes Sir, Sorry Sir” and I super HATE the main actor’s uncle and his family. Damn stupid I tell you! Where got such people wan!! Feel like slapping them. Super HATE.

17. I really wanna go holiday somewhere.

18. Ohhh… Kenny proposed to Peks! Congrats you two!

19. I finally permed my hair. This time, dad got it right. Super <3 !!! But I need to at least wear a bit of make up to match my hair. Boo!

20. Went to Hennessy Artistry party at Sunway Opera last weekend.

21. Can’t wait for the dress that I bought from ASOS!!!

22. Actually I’m damn emo, angry, frust, and negative aura all around me now.

23. I told you this is a dunno-what post.

24. Need to wait for at least 2 months before I can get the keys of the house. Nervous weh!

25. I passed 2 insurance exams. Officially can sell insurance plan now. Ahem. Wait for my call ok? Haha.

26. I’m turning 26 this month! Kthxbai!

nah my new hair.

compare to this in 2008... omg KILL ME PLEASE. i don't even know what i was thinking back then.

I Hereby Declare...

Month of June & July a problematic month!
Like seriously… what did I do to deserve such treatment?
Isn’t there enough of troubles/problems coming my way?
At the rate of this, I think I’ll go crazy before everyone else.
Seriously! What did I do?
I’m not the one who causes your miseries.
It’s you yourself who makes things worse. Being emotional is not the way to make me feel guilty or anything okay. It’ll only pushes me further away. I’m an emotional bitch also. Just don’t test my patience lah. Being nice to you doesn’t mean that I have to do things your way all the time. I have to stand for my own rights too. Being nice to you doesn’t mean that you can treat me like a dog.
Have you wondered why people are nice to you?
Have you wondered why I’m being nice?
I’m not being hypocrite. I’ve told you many times that I’m all about the heart. I’ve hinted you so many times that you have to change some part of yourself to make things easier for everyone. You scratch my back, I scratch yours.
Yes, I’m a wuss when it comes to certain things. Yes, I only know how to complain and not take action. Because I’m a WUSS! But seriously… I just want a healthy peaceful environment. I don’t want stupid unnecessary things mess up my emotional wellbeing, especially when it doesn’t worth my time.
But no, you’re a selfish person.
You’re all about talking “positive” and making yourself seems forgiving and all that. But in fact, you are the most selfish and emotional person ever!
Yes, sometimes, shit happens. When it happens, we try not to repeat the mistakes. And we try to improvise certain things when there’s a need. But no, you don’t accept changes; you don’t accept honest opinions, cos when we’re honest, you make us sound stupid. Sigh.
I opened my heart to be your friend. I defended you in a lot of situation when others are negative towards you. I turned certain things positively and make it sounds good.
Did you know that?
Nope.
And you do this to me.
I think I deserve more than this.

Should I?

Today is just like the many Fridays that I was looking forward to. Weekend is always exciting tho I know my Saturdays routine would be staying at home and go to Japanese class and spend the whole Sundays at home surfing, lazing or just lepaking at some café with the usual faces, updating each other about things that happened around us.


But today will also be a Friday that I’d say, significant to me.

It’s a day where I got to know that my dad is going through a depression. I’m not sure how serious it is in actual fact, but from what I see, it’s quite serious.

To be honest, I’ve prepared myself for this day, confirming that he is depressed. Because these few years was a tough one. A lot of things happened and I kinda know that he will be going through a nervous breakdown any time.

Now, even though I’m prepared for it, I still feel terrible. In a lot of ways.

For a second, I couldn’t find the answer to all the questions in my head. I couldn’t comprehend what just happened and why this is happening to him. To me. To us.

For a second, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know that to say to make him feel better. I don’t know how to make him feel optimistic. I don’t know how to make it go away.

I know that this sickness is purely psychological and nobody but himself could cure it. What we/people around him can do is to support him morally. But even so, we can’t make the things in his head go away in a split second no matter how desperately we want it to.

Depression is not an uncommon sickness. It is in everybody’s mind. It’s the way that person handles it.

I guess, dad finally lose it. He chose to let it take over his mind.

For a moment, I felt so afraid. So many uncertainties floated in my head.

It’s a feeling that I never had before. I almost don’t know what to do. Not that I know what to do now, but all I know is, I need to stay strong. For him.

I know this sounds silly, but a thought crossed my mind few days ago, before we confirmed that he’s depressed, I thought of turning into a vegetarian. Yes. You heard me right. I don’t know why but all I thought was, “if it will make things right, why not?” perhaps it’ll help? Maybe I can try pledging to become a vegetarian for a hundred days? See if it helps?

Shrug.

I don’t know.

Should I?

Don't Judge Me.

I had a wonderful but sad dream last night. It seems so real. Everything seems perfect.

It was in impromptu trip. I remember clearly in that after I touched down on New York airport, the first thing I did was to text my boss and say “I had an emergency. I’ll be in New York for a few days.” The exact words I typed out. I was panic cos it was a working day and I didn’t remember applying leave. Wtf.

I dreamed that I hopped on the plane, without planning, with dad. We went there to surprise mom. When they met, they hugged. They kissed. Just like teenagers in love. So sweet. So loving.

I remember calling his mom, telling her that I’m in town for a visit and I’ll drop by soon.

I remember trying to call him. But somehow, things were blurry every time I tried calling. So I text him.  “I’m in New York. =)”

Then, the alarm went off. (why does this always have to happen?)

Everything seems so real that it doesn’t feel like a dream at all. It doesn’t occur to me that it was just a dream. Until I woke up. Until reality hits me.

What I dreamed was just the opposite of my reality.

There’s no impromptu trip, especially to New York. I can never afford to have one. Not yet.

There’s no loving mom and dad. They were history. But I’d like to see them happy again. Regardless of who they spend the rest of their lives with. Who knows, maybe miracle will happen?

I felt like a traitor after I woke up.

Tockie was right. It’s about time.

Actually Pointless

Asking a man to be more sensitive is a lot harder than asking him to make a million dollars. I really think that the male species are really slacking in the emotion department. Like they never seem to understand the importance of being emotionally sensitive.

To be honest, the current relationship that I’m in is the longest in my history and I can safely say that it’s definitely the most stable relationship ever. I wrote/talked about it countless times – we never really fought/argue during these 4 years of being together. Simply because both of us seems to have an unspoken agreement that no matter how angry we get, we won’t let it linger overnight. He have this “innocent” baby face that whenever I look at him when I’m angry, I’ll “lose” the battle, and his stupid “pan” cute voice will sent me into bursting laughter if I chose to close my eyes to avoid looking at him. If he’s angry, I’ll “pan” cute and give him my “innocent” face to annoy the hell outta him and he’ll give in. see? How to get angry at each other like that?

So after 4 years of comically annoy and “argue” with each other, I feel that it defeats the purpose of arguing and getting angry. Cos now, he will never know when is the time that I’m honestly really very very very angry because he will think that I’m just joking/playing with him. Fml. Okay, to be fair, maybe he feels the same way too.

Okay, I think I digressed.

The reason that I’m ranting today is that.. er..  ok. I’m kinda not so angry anymore compared to yesterday when a super FML moment happened (see how I easily get diverted?).

The point is.. it’s so difficult to get him to be more sensitive towards me. Sometimes, I really think that I’m too lenient. I mean.. I sensed that he’s taking me for granted cos I’m always so easily pacified. I never demand for impossible things. Even if I did, he’ll reason out with me and result that I get is always way below from what I asked/requested. I think I appeared to be a very lembik person without a clear direction and kinda almost always self-pitying without realizing. He always tells me that I’m too easy-going, that’s why people always step on my head/use me. Not that I mind being “used”… if I’ve got nothing to lose, then why not right? So I guess that’s why he also always bullies me cos he thinks that I won’t realize. But sometimes, I need to be angry too, right? I have to protest once in a while too right? At least respect me a bit lah… RIGHT?

See? I digressed again.

Sigh. Actually, I just wanna rant cos SOMEONE pissed me off last night and my anger didn’t manage to last overnight! Somemore have to heat up the leftover spaghetti porkball for his supper. FML. Someone teach me how to become angry already! I’ll give you lollipop in return! 

Dreams, House Hunting And CNY!

Okay. I woke up today feeling like shit again. Those dreams that I’ve been having lately really cracks me up. It’s so vivid that for a moment, I really thought that it’s real. But then.. Every single time, the stupid alarm proves me wrong. Damn it. Ok, I admit the reason I love sleeping is because of the dreams. Really! It’s like watching movies. I dream every single day. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t. I dream even when I’m napping.. so.. back to the main point.. I’ve been having really nice dreams lately but when I wake up, I feel damn shitty lor!! it’s like.. “wtf?? It’s only a dream ah?? Cibai..” like that..

Actually, it’s really tiring to dream every night. I’ll feel restless the whole day. Especially like now.. (4.30pm) I’ll feel damn sleepy even though I’m busy working. It’s like going into an auto-sleep mode. But too bad cannot power nap at my cubicle cos the place is damn not strategic. Ugh. I wonder if I’m the only one with this problem.

Hmm. House hunting just begun. Going to view 2 units this Friday!! Hopefully the price still can nego.. cos I realy really like it!!! I mean.. I have not seen the inside but the area is my no.1 choice and it’s not located at busy roads. Just nice lah.. let’s see what will happen after viewing on Friday. Pray can nego at least 10% lesser though most likely maybe less than 5%. =( anyway, if everything turn out well *fingers crossed* it’ll be my first ever house!! Woohoo! Okay, I better stop thinking/talking so much about it.. Scared later jinxed like my Macbook Pro. Pffftt.

Oh.. Happy CNY!!! This year’s CNY feels just like any other public holiday… stayed at home most of the time cos really no mood to go out due to the horrible weather. I swear I could almost feel what it’s like to be a roasted pig!!  and oh… gambled a lil and won some money.. I sense good luck coming this year!! Hopefully better than last year, I’m not greedy.. just better than last year will make me a happy happy girl!

Okay, stop asking already!! I’m not going to get married anytime soon!!

Bai!!

hopeful.

I woke up this morning with the sun shining brightly through the window. It was warm, but perfect temperature. I smelt freshly brewed coffee aroma lingering in the room all the way from the kitchen counter. “Such a lovely day today,” I thought. 

I went outside and saw you, preparing the breakfast. Toasted chicken sandwich, my favorite. I still couldn’t believe that I woke up seeing you the first thing in the morning. It felt so warm, so nice. So familiar. You came to me, held my hand and playfully twisted me close to your body. We hugged tightly, I studied your face for a very long time, looking confused. Not letting go yet, you told me, “Don’t worry okay? Everything will be alright now”, you hugged me firmly. It’s like you knew what’s in my mind. You knew exactly what I wanted to hear. It’s comforting. 

My heart beats faster. Just like the first time I received your text saying you love me. Like the first time you hold my hand. It felt so familiar. So comfortable. So happy. So in love.

We hugged for a little longer. We’re in no rush. We’re both reluctant to let go… Then, the alarm went off….

And I woke up AGAIN.

It was only a dream??!?

How can I wake up in a dream and I had to wake up AGAIN?!??

How can it be ONLY A DREAM!!??!

It felt SO REAL!

I can remember every little detail CLEARLY! I can smell the coffee, I can feel the warmth, I can feel the tightest hug, and I can smell YOUR smell! HOW CAN IT BE ONLY A DREAM!

Ugh. I felt cheated by my own dream.

Time to face the reality. Ouch!

Happy Anniversary!

i meant to post this up on 1st January, but got lazy and procrastinate instead.

Happy 4 years, SmellyBie!

it's a record for me to stay in a relationship for so long. i've never thought that i'd be able to keep it for such a long time.

to many people around us, they might think that it's an easy one for us. but actually, it's really not what most people around us sees it. well at least, it's not easy for me. i dare not say that i'm very certain of this relationship. i dare not hope for anything right now at this very moment because as cliche as i might sound, nothing is certain. not until the day we die.

at times, i felt so weak that i thought of giving up this relationship just because i can't see what's in it for me. and sometimes, i thought i know what's on your mind, but i realised that i don't. maybe i'm just afraid. but i know i'm not being fair thinking that way. love shouldn't be weighed and judged the way i did sometimes.

don't worry. i think it's just another emo phase.

you still brighten up my days.

you still make me smile for no reasons.

you're still the one who keep me grounded.

love you lots!

I'm not sure if it's worth it anymore.

I don't get young people nowadays. Don't they have a certain level of responsibilities? Well at least to prove to their family that they're actually capable of doing something meaningful and less hurtful? When they made mistakes, any mistakes, for sure as family members, we will nag/lecture/scold/advise/whatever, cos that's the way it should be, right? I was a teenager and I obviously know what's happening and what the stage of growing up and soul searching was (not that I'm very old and very much experienced in that, but at least I went through it). Well, to say that a girl matures faster than a boy is an overstatement imho. I've seen boys who mature at a very young age. I don't understand why certain young people like to blame the people around them for their own mistakes. Can't you just admit it? We forgave you for whatever crap and shits you created but you never learn from it! You create new mess for us after we clean the previous ones. Why do you have to play with our tender love and care? We all know that you're taking us for granted because every time we said we will never care anymore, we fail to keep our promise. Have you had any idea how many tears of disappointment and worries we shed because of you? Yes.. it's our fault for spoiling you. It's our fault that you became the way you are now. It's our fault that you can't find a part time job to earn extra allowance for your entertainments. It's our fault caring too much.

I seriously don't know what to say anymore.

We are all very disappointed. We did not let you fall. Our hands were there all along for you to grab it and climb back up. But you chose not to even look at it. You chose to fall deeper. You chose to shut us down.

We just want you to know that we're all always here to keep you back as long as you're ready to change for better. Now, it's your choice to make. After all, we're just a guidance... we're not you.

Please Rain Money.

 the last time i went for my major shopping spree was before Chinese New Year this year. after that, i only bought like one or two tops and a pair of shoes. until 2 months ago. within these 50 days, i bought myself..

- 6 dresses.

- 5 tops.

- 1 kebaya.

- 5 shoes.

- 3 necklaces.

- 1 bag

- 2 clutches

- 1 belt.

- 11 bra set (it was warehouse sale okay...)

- 3 nighties

- 1 make-up palette

- 1 foundation (long waited Chanel!!! still with Siew Ling tho..)

ok.. counting the things that i bought is a nightmare already. i can't believe that i bought so many things within such a short time! fml. but i got reasons one!! i never shop for so long d.. it's time, right? plus, i got so many dinners to attend, cannot be wearing the same thing ma.. right? and.. everything i bought is totally not overpriced. ok la.. except for some shoes and dresses. but still within the medium price range.

now, tell me where can i sell my unused & preloved clothes & bags? 

arghh!!! my toner and moisturizer is going empty!! fml. no wonder the numbers in my bank account never multiply. wtf.

little by little.

I’ve been going home more regular lately. It feels strangely good. Strange, because I’ve been staying out for almost 3 years now and during those 3 years, I can even count with my fingers how many times I actually stayed overnight at home. I do feel guilty for not being home often. And I’ve talked about moving back home so many times that nobody’s gonna believe that I can make it because I never kept my words. Going back home lately is actually some kind of achievement for me. I said it feels strangely good because I never thought that I’ll feel good going home. I’ve always thought that my room is not the same anymore; my bed doesn’t have “my” scent already, even my wardrobe is left too long that my clothes got yellowish and smelt “forgotten”. But I realized that I felt good because something just doesn’t change no matter how long I stayed out. It’s still MY home. It still felt warm despite whatever icy emotional wars that never fades in the house ever since before I even move out.

One thing that got me hyped up these days when I go home is due to the existence of my niece. She’s 17 months now and she’s such a cute mischievous bundle of joy. Though she doesn’t really come home that often with my sister, but every time she’s back, she lights up everyone’s mood. Ahh… such a bliss to be a child. No worries, no stress, capable to throw whatever fits whenever possible (and get away with it), being loved and pampered by everyone, doing the simplest things that make people laugh… well at least we all lived the first 5 years of our lives without uncertainties… how I wished I remember how it was like to be a two-year old. Sure it was fun. At least nobody’s going to judge you. All children are cute no matter how annoying they get. They’re all meant to be loved. All deserved to be pampered.

Tiny little things changed bit by bit and the latest things that I realized when I was home last week were all the plants that were planted by grampa, ever since I can remember, went missing. His beautifully shaped multi-colored azaleas, the fern tree that survived for more than 20 years, those different types of vegetables that he used to plant regularly (though I never really dare to eat it ever since I got to know what he used as fertilizer), his beloved bonsais … all of that, was his glory. He was very proud of them and everyone was marveled at his talent, creating those gorgeous plants. Passersby gazed at those bonsais in admiration and many were envious, for it was too beautifully created (though he sold most of them few years before he passed away, which made my dad furious cos he sold it too cheap)…. Those azaleas, was my favorite of all. Three or four colors married to a steady branch in one big pot, skillfully bent into their shapes and designs (he used to cut it into bird shapes, which I’d always thought was shape of planes). I used look at him in amusement whenever he work on his plants. He put so much effort in each and every masterpiece and it still amazes me how brilliant my grampa was. When he passed away, those plants became orphans and left unattended. Some of them slowly got out of shape and some of them decided to accompany grampa to a better place. And when I found out that it went missing last week (I think dad got rid of them), I felt a tinge of pain in my heart. His glory died with him. Bits by bits.

Another thing that changed is gramma. She never calls my name like few months ago. She can’t remember me anymore. In fact, she can’t remember anyone. No words can be used to describe how I felt every time I see her now. She got thinner day by day. Her memories are vanishing. Her smiles are fading. All I can see in her face now is confusion and emptiness. What is she thinking right now? What is in her mind all the time now that she doesn’t remember? I wonder if she still recalls anything. I wonder if she’s putting any efforts to do so. But I’m sure she remembers at least something… Could she? It saddens me whenever I thought of her situation. Her deteriorating memories, her dislocated hips that is recovering slowly, her puzzled expression from not remembering anything… looking at her now is like looking at a rose that we received from our partner. The minute we received it, we started to admire it and before we learn how to appreciate it, it’s time to let it off our hands. We tried hard to preserve it from withering, but we knew one day, the petals will dry up and drop one by one.

I will appreciate the rose that I’ve neglected and almost forgotten. I will remember to shower it with love even though I knew it couldn’t absorb any more of it. Even though I knew one day, all that will be left is the thorny dry stem and I’ll have to pick up the petals from the floor… one by one, pieces by pieces.

reality bites.

i have so many things to write and bitch about. but i guess i'm over the "bitching" phase.

i'm quite amazed at myself sometimes. 

at my life.

nothing pretty my surprises me anymore at this very moment. i think i'll just take whatever it is given to me. 

i've learnt how to swallow it.

even if it's a chicken bone, i'll just swallow it.

happily. 

any donor?

can someone show me the way?

i'm very lost.

all this time, i've been searching and striving and searching... for something that i'm not sure of. something that is not there.

Sam (my very good ex boss) is right. i don't know what i'm searching for. 

now, i need to know what i'm looking for. i need time. a lot of it. but i'm afraid that i don't have the strength. 

okay.

i know i can do this. i can face this. yes. i can. 

but when?

addicted to books all over again?

so i've been away (from blogging) for some time now. actually, i'm still procrastinating on getting a card reader to transfer all the photos. and been too busy about many things lately. and oh... i've almost forgot how addictive reading is. until i picked up Twilight. i finished reading Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse in just 4 days. what an achievement. at last (and at least) i don't feel too guilty about what i've bought months ago.. probably years ago.


i wanna talk about this Twilight thingy.


seriously.. the book is WAY better than the movie though. the movie is good actually, but then if you read the book before the movie, you'll think that the movie screwed up all the timeline and all. luckily i watched the movie before i read the book. lol.


anyway...


i liked Bella in Twilight. but not in New Moon and Eclipse. she's such a hypocrite. a traitor. it seems to me that she betrayed her love. she betrayed Edward. she betrayed Edward's love. Edward's love for her. i mean.. she so indecisive! and i hate that fact that she actually SAID that she love Jacob! ugh.. (it made me feels so... so ME. well, not entirely but her selfishness. her greediness. ugh.)


maybe i'm just too biased towards Edward. maybe the author purposely do that. you know...


i don't know what i'm talking about now. but just.. i just feel sorry for Edward. how can he love someone who love someone else too, at the same time? it bugs me.


New Moon is very VERY draggy for my liking. maybe it's just because i prefer vampires over werewolves. Eclipse is so-so only. i began to feel that the author likes to drag. and then full stop. ending already.


i just started reading the last book, Breaking Dawn, just an hour ago. still very excited cos Bella and Edward is getting married. i hope the last book is not as draggy as the second and third book though..


hmm.. what shall i read after this?