28th.

I wonder what does it take to really complete a task. To finish what we started. To accomplish a goal set by ourselves.

I realized that I’ve been abandoning many projects. Many goals. Many dreams.

Some stopped half way. Some stopped a quarter. Some even stopped before executing it. Pfft.

Then I realized what my problems are…

Procrastination. No motivation. No determination. Laziness.

All of that… stopped me from accomplishing my goals, my dreams.

It got me nowhere. It just stopped me from growing.

It’s bad enough that I have all that bad traits. But it’s even worse that when I knew what my weaknesses are and NOT doing anything about it.

Sigh.

*pray* Please give me more strength to complete something. Anything. Really…

Are you living your dream?

For me, I don’t think I am. Not yet. Not even sure if it’s near.

I envy those who are courageous enough to take the big giant step of their lives, chasing their dreams, fulfilling their goals in life, living the way they want, enjoying every moment of the path they chosen.

That big giant step is a leap that not everyone dares to take. At least to me, it isn’t easy.

Many times, I looked back and wondered… “What if…”s

What if I never do this? What if I never do that? What if I did that? What will happen if…. And the questions went on and on…

Most of the time, I’d end up accepting the answers by convincing myself that everything is better now than whatever it was. I’d give myself an answer that I wanted to hear.

But the truth is… am I really accepting it?

Am I living the life that I intended to? Am I enjoying it? How do I achieve what I dreamed of? Am I dreaming too big? Or am I just being a coward?

Why didn’t I have enough of that courage to take the path not taken? What stopped me? Why I worried so much back then? Why is it getting more difficult now than before? Is it because of aging? Maturity? The older I get, the less courageous I am? Or perhaps the older I get, the more rational I am?

Rational? What is rationality? How does someone justify that whatever I’m doing is rational or not?

In the end, the basic rule of living, to me, is… just to be happy.

But what is happiness?

Being contented? Having great friends? Making lots of money? Being loved?

What is it?

I envy those who love their lives. Enjoying them like there’s no tomorrow.

How do they do that? Are they not worried at all? How do they find balance?

I believe that He has a plan for me. But the thing is… what is IT?

Trust

This whole month was a month of trusting.

Trusting God.

I believe that I’m being put into a test of faith.

There are a few occasions where I’m being “tested”.

Of course, there are still doubts.

“Are You real?”

“Do You really hear me?”

“Are You punishing me?”

“Are You just testing my faith?”

“If You really heard me, then why everything seems to be falling apart?”

“Are You scheming something?”

Is it true that we have to go through real hardship before we can be sure of what is the best for us? I’ve learnt. I will be good. Am I not good enough so You’re giving me obstacles?

Have I asked too much that you think it’s nonsense?

Too much that you gave me a lil glass of smoothie but at the same time put in some rocks in it?

I don’t know.

I feel helpless. I can’t do anything but just talk to You. But really… do You really hear me?

This Year To Me.

So, I’ve been less talkative here lately compared to previous years. Guess I’ve shifted from writing my thoughts to capturing moments, or rather, my emotions.

Been discovering my kinda-newly-found hobby and it’s really, better than writing. Since most of the time I don’t know how to write it out, now I just post images. Most images might not mean anything to anyone, but it contains stories behind it, at least to me it does mean something.

Years later, I might not remember why I capture those images or maybe, I’d see different meaning behind it. Maybe I’d feel different.

I don’t know.

Anyway, since I’m in a writing mood, let’s see what I’ve been achieving this year. Can’t believe that it’s already December. So soon!

Early this year, I made a resolution. Or you can say, I recycled my past years resolution. Haha!

Hmm. Let’s see if I managed to keep my promises...

- Going to gym regularly. (I actually managed to keep this routine. Until August. Shame on me. I blame it to work and laziness. Haha. Ever since the Puasa month, we stopped gym. Sigh. Well, bright side, at least we maintained it for 8 months.. heh.)

- Settle the debts. (I actually DID settle more than half of it. But then I took up a lifetime-debt commitment by purchasing a house. *dread*)

- Saving for rainy days. (Clearly this didn’t happen. Refer to reason above. #foreverindebt)

- Passing Level N5 of JLPT. (Proud to say I passed.. ngek ngek ngek! Probably the ONLY thing I managed to achieve this year.)

- To finish reading all the 30+ books (I only managed to finish ONE book. And bought at least another 8? Boo! But I’m going to read more now, I promise…)

- To be more focused. (Meh… no comment.)

I guess nothing much changed huh? I’m still a procrastinator and a liar. *boo!

Still don’t have much determination to complete simple things.

I guess it’s right to say that I’ve never wanted something so badly to be determined enough to achieve it.

Anyway, a lot has happened this year.

Along the way, I’ve learned so much about myself.

I’ve picked up a new hobby, met new friends, discovered ugly human characters, getting out of the comfort zone (almost there..), made new promises to myself, found unexpected surprises, giving up treasures, keeping sweet memories and the most memorable experience was being introduced to a faithful invisible friend and I loved all the stories being told to me. It kinda changed my perspective towards certain things.

I guess we’ll never feel blissful until we lose something precious or experienced a downfall.

I can only wish that the coming years will treat me good.

Crossroads.

This is a turning point.

Where majority will most likely try to avoid as much as they can, well, I did tried to avoid it but I guess it’s time to just face the harsh reality.

It takes a lot of courage, at least to me it does.

Putting so many possibly good things at risk. Well, it’s only possibilities after all. *shrug* So why not just do it since life is all about risks and possibilities?

“A simple decision will affect your life. Does it worth the risk?”

Hmm. I don’t know. But RIGHT NOW, I think it’s best for me. I don’t know if I will ever regret it at all in the future. But at least for now, I feel it’s better this way.

Who knows what the future is like right?

Maybe I’m destined to take a long winding road before I reach the destination?

Maybe I’m destined to take the opposite direction?

I don’t know.

Maybe there’s no destiny or destination at all.

It’s all only my imagination.

Right.

So what happens after this?

I wonder if things will be different at all if things didn’t happened this way.

Perhaps what others see is clearer than what I’m seeing? Am I blinded by a lot of things that affect my judgment?

*shrug*

Since one cannot have the best of both worlds, I guess it’s time for me to be a little selfish.

To be a little independent.

To just don’t care.

So I guess the best solution now is taking a step back and ponder…

I Can Only Wait

I remember I used to write on my journal everyday. It's a space for me to pour my heart out, without filtering any thoughts. It's my best listener who won't judge.

I remember I started writing my first diary when I was 9 or 10 years old. Mommy bought a little square hard cover diary for my birthday, if I remember correctly. I started writing everyday about daily happenings. Then I started to grow up, and I write mostly when I'm emo.

Looking back at the journal tells me so much about myself.

How much I've changed. How much I've grown.

I'm not sure if it's for better or worse. Not that I've matured much, but I'm certainly not that naive little girl anymore.

Along the way, I've seen many faces.

Many expressions.

Many characters.

Slowly, I've learned to see.

I've learned to understand.

I've learned to appreciate.

I've learned to let go.

Keeping the sweetest memories close to my heart. It keeps me alive.

It keeps me sane.

But how long will it stay close?

Will it be different?

Will I be the same again?

Crossing Out The Checklist

I know I’ve been saying this a lot. But there is a list of things that I need to do/complete.

So called “resolution” that was made early this year on top of some regular items on my usual checklist. Haha.

I think I failed terribly.

Haha.

Except maybe the “going to gym regularly” part...Oh..and the "going to Jap class regularly" part also lah…. But exam is next week and I have not been revising. *shrug* last minute is my middle name.

A pile of new books STILL in the boxes, unwrapped, untouched, unread. note to self: buy wrapper. no wonder my brain is not progressing lately. Aih. Lack of knowledge juice. Boo!

The “go home more often” part was actually a major fail lah… I admit. BUT!!! At least I got spend time with daddy also mah… right? Right? Okay… I need to stop finding excuses. But I don’t want to be independent wor. Ok ok. Be brave. Vince was right. I need to really get out of my comfort zone and brave myself for a war. If not, I’ll be forever like this. Time to set a goal and try to achieve it. Only then he can stop saying that I have 小女人 attitude problem. Yea.. I admit sometimes I’m too desperate to be a 小女人 that I forget everything else. (Aiyah.. nobody will understand this lah…. Just let me rant ok?)

Quitting cigarette is also another issue that’s been ongoing for few years. And lately, I realized that in order to speed up the quitting part, I have to sacrifice my coffee. SACRIFYING MY COFFEE is a MAJOR NO! Boo! :( I need to think of another solution. Hmm.

I’ve always mentioned that I need to be more focused.

But the more I wanted to focus, the more I go astray.

Something just gotta happen and make me lose my mind.

Something just have to happen.

Maybe my focus ring spoiled already.

Pfft.

Rainbow In The Making For The Sunshine

Can Angels Have Devil's Horn?

Been sitting on the fence for too long.

It hurts to know they don’t appreciate.

I guess sometimes, you just need a dash of selfishness to solve problems.

Being selfless doesn’t mean being right.

Being diplomatic doesn’t solve anything.

It’ll only make matters worse.

Time to step down from that fence and have some freedom.

Been good for too long. Time to let the horns out.

Are You Really You?

Today, I’ve learned that in order to be happy, the first thing you need to do is be yourself.


We’re living in a world full of mysteries.

Full of lies.

Full of redundancies.

Full of controversies.

Full of hypocrites.

No matter what you do or how you do it, there will be people criticizing. There will be people who disagree.

Many times, we tend to sway from our own direction. We end up trying to please everyone by doing what deemed “right”.

We end up flocking with the “majority” just because we don’t want to be a cast-out.

We end up being one of them.

No self judgment.

No self confidence.

No sense of belonging.

No independence.

Because we rely too much on what others think of us.

Because we’re too mindful of how others see us.

We’re pressured to blend in.

We tend to forget who we are. We lose ourselves. We lose our identity.

We lose our happiness trying to make others happy.

So, before it starts killing you, get out of the stereotypical perspective.

Find your soul. Be yourself the way you are. Not the way others want you to.

Verbal Diarrhea.

1. Took a few days off last week to solve some family matters. FTS. Nothing’s gonna change and I’m tired of all this crap. It’s sickening. It’s all nonsense.


2. I’ve learned that you have to be strong-willed, be calm and think straight when everybody else around you is nervous.

3. Going back to work after a week off is the worst thing ever at the moment. I wish today is a weekend.

4. My office just subscribed to UNIFI and it doesn’t make any difference. Still. Damn. Slow.

5. I need to work harder to earn more money. Aih. A never ending problem of mine.

6. I finally found the discountinued perfume that I was looking for the longest time. The feeling is perhaps like discovering a hidden treasure.

7. Yea. This is actually a ranting emo dunno-what post.

8. I’m on a shopping ban now, perhaps until the third quarter. Haha. I bought 3 shoes (fml 2 pairs are damn uncomfortable not human wear wan..), few tops and dresses, a bag, a pants… ok lah.. most of them can wear to work wan… *can you hear excuses? Meh.*

9. Too many things happening. Actually one major one is enough for me to grow plenty of white hair and permanent wrinkled forehead.

10. Nobody can help you if you’re not willing to help yourself.

11. Sudden crave for Japanese food again.

12. My laptop is going bonkers.

13. Dear John movie is super disappointed. I hope the book is better.. gonna start reading it soon.

14. That reminds me of the 30+ books that I have not touch since I bought it… cos I haven’t wrap it lah..

15. Random habit of mine.. I cannot read books that I haven’t wrapped. Just feels weird.

16. I’m watching this TVB drama, “Yes Sir, Sorry Sir” and I super HATE the main actor’s uncle and his family. Damn stupid I tell you! Where got such people wan!! Feel like slapping them. Super HATE.

17. I really wanna go holiday somewhere.

18. Ohhh… Kenny proposed to Peks! Congrats you two!

19. I finally permed my hair. This time, dad got it right. Super <3 !!! But I need to at least wear a bit of make up to match my hair. Boo!

20. Went to Hennessy Artistry party at Sunway Opera last weekend.

21. Can’t wait for the dress that I bought from ASOS!!!

22. Actually I’m damn emo, angry, frust, and negative aura all around me now.

23. I told you this is a dunno-what post.

24. Need to wait for at least 2 months before I can get the keys of the house. Nervous weh!

25. I passed 2 insurance exams. Officially can sell insurance plan now. Ahem. Wait for my call ok? Haha.

26. I’m turning 26 this month! Kthxbai!

nah my new hair.

compare to this in 2008... omg KILL ME PLEASE. i don't even know what i was thinking back then.

Fifthnniversary.

A delayed fifthnniversary thoughts.


Without realizing, five years passed. When I started going out with Smelly, I’ve never thought that we’ll last this long. Considering my age when I met him and especially my personality, it’s amazing how we can preserve this relationship to where we are now.

Things progressed rather smoothly, despite his usual discontentment about my body size and almost out-of-control credit card debts, and my never-ending annoyance with his obsession with gaming and lack of sensitivity towards my feelings. I guess that’s how things are supposed to work.

I used to think that we’re not a normal couple. But after listening to so many relationship stories from friends, I felt blessed and grateful for what I have. One can never be too greedy and keep wishing for the impossible, yet cannot be too contented with what we have. So I guess everything needs balance.

Shifting Priorities

Two more Fridays before the New Year begins. Scary how time flies. As usual, everything seemed so blurry. Everything happened so fast, like nothing happens before. Another year passed without a sense of achievement. I know by saying that, it shows how weak I am. How little confidence I have. How suck I am in juggling priorities. How lazy. How naïve. Very immature in some ways.


Perhaps what they say is true. When you reach certain age, your priorities shift. What was important might mean nothing now. What was precious might be useless. What deemed insignificant might be the key to success. What seems materialistic became realistic. It became necessity. It became priority. It became the battery of life.

Every year around this time, I will reflect at the past. I think of all the things that happened and did not. The things that I encountered and missed. People that I met and friends that I’ve lost. Experiences that I gained, judgments and decisions that I’ve made, wrong or right. Tears that I’ve shed, happy or sad. Words that came out, thoughtful or hurtful. Screams that were made, angry or excited.

I realized that I learn something new every day. About things that are significant or petty… people around me, people that I love, and people that I loathe… about myself, my emotions, my priorities…

It almost always end up with me being so confused and frustrated at one point, and then the so called problems /issues suddenly don’t seems to be a problem/issue at all… it’s like magic… but I believe it’s just PMS… pfft.

Lately, I’ve concluded that my brain stop progressing. It’s stagnant. I felt wasted… I don’t know… maybe it’s the people around me. By people, I really do actually mean colleagues. I felt that everybody is so comfortable of their (old) way of doing things and their level of acceptance towards new ideas/ ways is super low, or rather selective. By everybody, I do actually mean bosses… So I believe no matter how much effort I invest in whatever I do, the result is never like what I imagined. I felt stupid and limited, yet I cannot do anything about it because it’s just the way they are. But if I don’t do anything about it, I’m afraid that they will think that I’m stupid. Damn conflict. I’m just afraid that I’ll slowly morph into what they are.

Sigh.

Melancholy Makes A Better Soul.

Many times, we keep reminding ourselves to be sane. To stay focused. To think what is right and what is not. To agree with the majority, because it seems like the right thing to do. To flock with the same kind, just so we wouldn’t feel left out. To follow the leader that is supposed to give good guidance. To listen to people around us, because we don’t trust our own judgments. To nod in amusement, just to acknowledge them our existence.

Many times, we do all of the above just to blend in. Because we all think that it will make us feel better. Because we thought we feel more secured. Because we think that it makes us more human. We think that it is the norm. We think that it is how it works.

But have we ever spent one second, to think otherwise?

It is okay to think and act differently. At the end of the day, our own happiness does not belong to someone else.

It is okay to be alone sometimes. Nothing wrong about getting a breather out of the craziness. It is not written in the handbook of life that we have to follow others to shine.

It is alright to make mistakes. To blame on the bad genes. To blame on others. To blame on ourselves. To be naïve. To make excuses not to believe. Because stupidity lives in each and every human being.

It is okay to be emotional. To be sad. To be angry. And most importantly, to be able to shed a tear of sorrow.


Because that, makes us more human.

happy birthday to me.

it’s my 25th birthday today.
quarter life passed. achieved almost nothing.
is life supposed to be like this? *shrug* so insignificant and boring.
why do we celebrate birthdays?
to celebrate life.
but aren’t we all supposed to celebrate life 24/7? why only celebrate life on birthdays? so you don’t celebrate life on normal days? how miserable is that?
hmm.
as i grow older, i see a pattern.
birthday is just another day.
it could be a working day.
it could be a Sunday.
it could be a bad day.
it could be a sad day.
it could be an exam day.
it could be a public holiday.
it could be a break-up day.
it could be a proposal day.
it could be a wedding day.
it could be another birthday.
it could also be a death day.
yes. so what’s the big fuss about birthdays again?
it’s just another day.
like today.
it’s a Sunday.

Summary of 2009

I’m turning 25 in exactly a month’s time. *shrug*

Let’s see how last year went…

Switched 3 jobs in last year alone. The current one is the 4^th. So you know you unlucky I was last year. I quitted my comfortable 9-5 PA job with the most awesome boss, to work in a training centre that promised me an event coordinator role but ended up doing telemarketing 95% of the time. Fml. Considered I got conned right? I think I worked for 2 weeks only. And I quitted without getting any pay. Long story lah. Then I goyang kaki for a month cos I planned for a trip to Bangkok so I don’t think it’s appropriate to start work for 2 weeks and then take leave (though actually my awesome boss asked me to go back and work for him but I don’t want to disappoint him so I rejected his offer). Then, I worked in an event company. The whole company only has 3 ppl working including me. That’s also including the boss. After 2 months of working there, I quit. Another long story. To cut it short, I beh tahan the boss.

Then I joined another company as a PR coordinator. Just when I thought I finally found a good company to work in, a pretty good boss in person, a position that I eagerly want to venture in and not forget to mention the attractive salary package, everything went wrong. Nobody liked me in the office ever since the first day I joined, padahal I already try to be nice and keep quiet the whole time. Just because I know the boss because she’s my dad’s friend. Cibai.. I went through interview with the HR before the big boss interview me lor! And then, I got backstabbed by a bitch. Then, found out that the boss is actually so narrow-minded and refusive (is there such word? Why is it underlined red?) towards unconventional AND honest opinions. Why the fuck you set up a new division to focus on PR and A&P for your company when you’re not ready to listen to honest opinions and thought that I’m trying to talk bad about your product? Pfft! So much of a good person. Definitely not a good boss! wtf! AND not to forget the salary that I got is not what we’ve discussed earlier!!! Super wtf and fml that time lor! After a good talk with the boss, I resigned on the spot without any back up plans for myself. At that point, I felt hopeless. Insecured. Scared. Everything seemed to fall apart. I wasn’t prepared to leave the job despite the stupid salary and the boss and the terrible office politics because I’ve never leave a job without having a backup beforehand! Seriously, that was really demotivating and scary.

But I know I cannot stay in that company for a second longer so I hand in the resignation letter and went home feeling mixed up. Happy because I don’t have to be in that kind of working environment anymore. Sad because I realized that being honest can land you in big trouble. But then I know God is not so evil, because when He closes a door, He will open another one for you. Corny, but true. The minute I printed out the resignation letter, I got a call from a contact asking if I can work part time for a few days. That’s when I realized that He won’t let me die. I didn’t take the job in the end even though I needed the money because I had to work in a pub. No, not that kinda job that you’re thinking. It’s just promoting liquor. The reason why I didn’t take up the job is that I used to work part time selling liquors in clubs and cafe before I quit the PA job and I got tired of working at night and dealing with all sorts of people. It’s tiring to put up a phony face all night. The money was good. Almost double of what I got when I was working as PA. Working hours was only 4 hours a day and I only had to work for 4 days a week. It was actually a job that helped me went through my jobless month after I quit the training centre. But I know I don’t want to end up working permanently as a liquor girl just because it pays well. So I stopped after working for 3 months.

Then, I got to know about my current job from a friend. I attended his birthday party and he introduced my current boss to me and the next thing I know, I went for interview with my direct boss after a week and got the job. I think it was fate, because initially, I was thinking of not attending my friend’s party because I was not working, I got no money, no confidence and I just don’t feel like mingling and tell people that “I’m currently taking a break” when they ask me what I’m doing. Pfft. Damn sad okay every time kena ask and had to lie... But I went last minute cos somehow, I felt that maybe it’ll help me build up my confidence by socializing a bit. =)

So, last year has been the most terrible year so far. But I’m still alive and kicking.

This year though.. things are considered quite smooth-sailing. Minus the family drama. I’m blessed to have a job that I quite like. The Smelly boyfriend is although still annoyingly kayu, things with him are also considered okay. I don’t wanna say that we’re not progressing; I guess we’re being comfortable this way, although I've always silently hoped that I'll be surprised one day. Pfft.

Quarter of my life has passed insignificantly. I hope the rest of my life will be fulfilling albeit unimportant to anyone but me.

options.

I realized that I’ll be 25 in about 2 months time. It seems like quarter life crisis starts early last year and dragged on until now, not showing any signs of retreat. One issue after another. Sigh.

So many things happened lately that I don’t have time to stop and think for myself. Have been busy thinking and dealing about family stuff and it’s really tiring and resulting my face covered with tiny red spots/pimples. So not fun. So after a few weeks of family meetings, yelling, crying (not me), reasoning, banging the wall (not me again. I’m steady, wtf!) and whatever bullshit that we all (family) have to endure, I can safely say that we’ve come into a conclusion and possibly the best solution to our problems. I’m glad that the planning part is already kinda final. Now we’re waiting for the execution part, which involves a lot of commitment for me and Shorty. Heck, I’m not so confident that I can safely go through it.  Sigh. At times like this, I wish wake up blanketed with endless supplies of money. Sigh. There goes my vacation fund.

With all the problems going on and after scrutinizing on my personal expenses budget, which is barely enough to survive, I’m really tempted to look for other options. Better options of course. Sigh.  Yet another dilemma.  There’s an option that will, kinda, totally change my life and I’m not sure if I’m prepared to face the consequences and the change itself. But it seems exciting and probably one of the best option that’s available for me right now. So I’m keeping my mouth shut and fingers crossed before anything concrete is confirmed.

Well, I guess it’s now or never. Mom always tells me, “Work hard while you’re still young. Don’t wait until you’re old like me only start saving for retirement.” Sad but true.

I hope I’m able to support my parents when they’re retired.