Trust

This whole month was a month of trusting.

Trusting God.

I believe that I’m being put into a test of faith.

There are a few occasions where I’m being “tested”.

Of course, there are still doubts.

“Are You real?”

“Do You really hear me?”

“Are You punishing me?”

“Are You just testing my faith?”

“If You really heard me, then why everything seems to be falling apart?”

“Are You scheming something?”

Is it true that we have to go through real hardship before we can be sure of what is the best for us? I’ve learnt. I will be good. Am I not good enough so You’re giving me obstacles?

Have I asked too much that you think it’s nonsense?

Too much that you gave me a lil glass of smoothie but at the same time put in some rocks in it?

I don’t know.

I feel helpless. I can’t do anything but just talk to You. But really… do You really hear me?

I Can Only Wait

I remember I used to write on my journal everyday. It's a space for me to pour my heart out, without filtering any thoughts. It's my best listener who won't judge.

I remember I started writing my first diary when I was 9 or 10 years old. Mommy bought a little square hard cover diary for my birthday, if I remember correctly. I started writing everyday about daily happenings. Then I started to grow up, and I write mostly when I'm emo.

Looking back at the journal tells me so much about myself.

How much I've changed. How much I've grown.

I'm not sure if it's for better or worse. Not that I've matured much, but I'm certainly not that naive little girl anymore.

Along the way, I've seen many faces.

Many expressions.

Many characters.

Slowly, I've learned to see.

I've learned to understand.

I've learned to appreciate.

I've learned to let go.

Keeping the sweetest memories close to my heart. It keeps me alive.

It keeps me sane.

But how long will it stay close?

Will it be different?

Will I be the same again?

Crossing Out The Checklist

I know I’ve been saying this a lot. But there is a list of things that I need to do/complete.

So called “resolution” that was made early this year on top of some regular items on my usual checklist. Haha.

I think I failed terribly.

Haha.

Except maybe the “going to gym regularly” part...Oh..and the "going to Jap class regularly" part also lah…. But exam is next week and I have not been revising. *shrug* last minute is my middle name.

A pile of new books STILL in the boxes, unwrapped, untouched, unread. note to self: buy wrapper. no wonder my brain is not progressing lately. Aih. Lack of knowledge juice. Boo!

The “go home more often” part was actually a major fail lah… I admit. BUT!!! At least I got spend time with daddy also mah… right? Right? Okay… I need to stop finding excuses. But I don’t want to be independent wor. Ok ok. Be brave. Vince was right. I need to really get out of my comfort zone and brave myself for a war. If not, I’ll be forever like this. Time to set a goal and try to achieve it. Only then he can stop saying that I have 小女人 attitude problem. Yea.. I admit sometimes I’m too desperate to be a 小女人 that I forget everything else. (Aiyah.. nobody will understand this lah…. Just let me rant ok?)

Quitting cigarette is also another issue that’s been ongoing for few years. And lately, I realized that in order to speed up the quitting part, I have to sacrifice my coffee. SACRIFYING MY COFFEE is a MAJOR NO! Boo! :( I need to think of another solution. Hmm.

I’ve always mentioned that I need to be more focused.

But the more I wanted to focus, the more I go astray.

Something just gotta happen and make me lose my mind.

Something just have to happen.

Maybe my focus ring spoiled already.

Pfft.

Next Level.

It’s been a while I updated here.


Been a bit busy with work lately. Finally a major event of a project that I’m working on just ended last Friday. Though there are some hiccups just an hour before the event, I guess it went quite well and I’m kinda happy about it. Last weekend was spent at home. 2 whole days of recovery from sleepless nights. Skipped Jap class (again) cos it rained heavily and I’m too tired to move my lazy ass out of the house. I did laundry instead *smirk*. Kinda found a new joy in doing laundry.. haha! I guess I have to start doing it myself from now on instead of sending it to the laundry shop every other week. Time for me to learn how to save up, little by little.

One of my dreams/wish (before turning 30) came true this year. I bought house. Initially I thought of getting a condo as an investment, but dad kinda talked me into getting a landed house to stay in. was a little reluctant before I made the decision, but after a deep thought about it, weighed the pros and cons, and with encouragements from some close friends and Smelly, i decided to just go ahead and get it. Dad found the house in a newspaper advertisement and we went to view it together. Within a week, paid deposit and another week for loan approval and the sales & purchase agreement is ready to be signed anytime now.

A week to make such big decision is considered very fast, I’d say. It’s not because out of any pressures or anything. It’s because I’ve wanted to own a house since about 2 years ago. Now I think it’s the right time to get it, and I did.

Getting a house is a HUGE commitment. Salary not increasing is also another HUGE concern. Pfft. but I think I’ll get by.

Which means…. my travel plans for this year (and possibly the next 40 years) will be on hiatus until further notice (or at least until I strike lottery...fml).

Which also means, I need to work harder to find an alternative income source. Sigh.

Why do I have a feeling that I’m going to regret this (in a good way)?

New Year....

Same old unresolved resolution. Hah!


Let’s see what I have in mind for this year.

- To achieve my already 5-year-old plan (which is *what else* : to be thinner), by going to gym regularly and healthier diet (may the force be with me. Amitabha).

- To settle all (if not, half) the debts by first quarter (this time, is for real! I’m almost there. Pray for bonus. Amen.)

- Which leads to – finally save up for rainy days.

- Hopefully to pass N5 Japanese Language Proficiency Test (JLPT).
- Spend more time with family.

- Finish reading all the 30+ books that I bought in 2009 and 2010.

- To be more focused.

Actually hor… most of the above are my all-time resolution that I didn’t get around materializing it. I admit that I’m such a procrastinator. And a liar. Pfft.

I sense that this year, besides being monotonous, it will be rather tough. Had a sudden fear of the unknown and uncertainties. Not sure why though. Been thinking a lot lately about many things.

Year 2010 passed too fast. Besides keeping my promise to go for Japanese class, I guess everything’s the same for me. oh.. Not forgetting, thanks to my work, I travelled to many states in Malaysia that I never step into. Also thanks to my company, I get to go Beijing for our company trip. =D not forgetting also, last year, I travelled to Bangkok for the third time, went to Gem Island, annual trip to Cameron Highlands, and went to Singapore after 5 years. This year, hopefully will get to go New Zealand, planning to go with dad. Oh.. also to Japan in year end with Smelly, if everything goes smoothly (pray to win lottery).

How Relationship Lasts IX

Every night before bed, I will demand for a goodnight kiss and a hug. It’s a routine for as long as I can remember. cos I think it's important, as a reminder of my existence (insecure, I know... pffft whatever...).
Anyway, our relationship is very comical... sometimes I don't know whether to laugh or cry because we humour each other so much.

So last night, Smelly kissed me (more like his nose pressing on my nose) and he asked... “What do you see?” I opened my eyes, without moving away, I said, “I see your eyes loh..”

Smelly : Got one eye only right?

Dy : -____- ! er.. hehe.. got 2 eyes become one eye!! Crossed d!

Then, I asked, “What do you see?”

He said…. “Ngor tai dou yat gau fan shu… (I saw a potato). Wakakakakakaaa….!”

T_T damn jahdou.

Tell me lah… where to find a boyfriend like him??? Pfft!

Should I?

Today is just like the many Fridays that I was looking forward to. Weekend is always exciting tho I know my Saturdays routine would be staying at home and go to Japanese class and spend the whole Sundays at home surfing, lazing or just lepaking at some café with the usual faces, updating each other about things that happened around us.


But today will also be a Friday that I’d say, significant to me.

It’s a day where I got to know that my dad is going through a depression. I’m not sure how serious it is in actual fact, but from what I see, it’s quite serious.

To be honest, I’ve prepared myself for this day, confirming that he is depressed. Because these few years was a tough one. A lot of things happened and I kinda know that he will be going through a nervous breakdown any time.

Now, even though I’m prepared for it, I still feel terrible. In a lot of ways.

For a second, I couldn’t find the answer to all the questions in my head. I couldn’t comprehend what just happened and why this is happening to him. To me. To us.

For a second, I don’t know what to do. I don’t know that to say to make him feel better. I don’t know how to make him feel optimistic. I don’t know how to make it go away.

I know that this sickness is purely psychological and nobody but himself could cure it. What we/people around him can do is to support him morally. But even so, we can’t make the things in his head go away in a split second no matter how desperately we want it to.

Depression is not an uncommon sickness. It is in everybody’s mind. It’s the way that person handles it.

I guess, dad finally lose it. He chose to let it take over his mind.

For a moment, I felt so afraid. So many uncertainties floated in my head.

It’s a feeling that I never had before. I almost don’t know what to do. Not that I know what to do now, but all I know is, I need to stay strong. For him.

I know this sounds silly, but a thought crossed my mind few days ago, before we confirmed that he’s depressed, I thought of turning into a vegetarian. Yes. You heard me right. I don’t know why but all I thought was, “if it will make things right, why not?” perhaps it’ll help? Maybe I can try pledging to become a vegetarian for a hundred days? See if it helps?

Shrug.

I don’t know.

Should I?

happy birthday to me.

it’s my 25th birthday today.
quarter life passed. achieved almost nothing.
is life supposed to be like this? *shrug* so insignificant and boring.
why do we celebrate birthdays?
to celebrate life.
but aren’t we all supposed to celebrate life 24/7? why only celebrate life on birthdays? so you don’t celebrate life on normal days? how miserable is that?
hmm.
as i grow older, i see a pattern.
birthday is just another day.
it could be a working day.
it could be a Sunday.
it could be a bad day.
it could be a sad day.
it could be an exam day.
it could be a public holiday.
it could be a break-up day.
it could be a proposal day.
it could be a wedding day.
it could be another birthday.
it could also be a death day.
yes. so what’s the big fuss about birthdays again?
it’s just another day.
like today.
it’s a Sunday.

up til 2009.

Things that was done, regret and not.

Words being said, took back, meant it or not.

People who came, stayed and left.

Memories that was kept, misplaced and forgotten.

Decisions that were made, right, wrong and delayed.

Love that was stumbled, seized and reserved.

I'm not sure if it's worth it anymore.

I don't get young people nowadays. Don't they have a certain level of responsibilities? Well at least to prove to their family that they're actually capable of doing something meaningful and less hurtful? When they made mistakes, any mistakes, for sure as family members, we will nag/lecture/scold/advise/whatever, cos that's the way it should be, right? I was a teenager and I obviously know what's happening and what the stage of growing up and soul searching was (not that I'm very old and very much experienced in that, but at least I went through it). Well, to say that a girl matures faster than a boy is an overstatement imho. I've seen boys who mature at a very young age. I don't understand why certain young people like to blame the people around them for their own mistakes. Can't you just admit it? We forgave you for whatever crap and shits you created but you never learn from it! You create new mess for us after we clean the previous ones. Why do you have to play with our tender love and care? We all know that you're taking us for granted because every time we said we will never care anymore, we fail to keep our promise. Have you had any idea how many tears of disappointment and worries we shed because of you? Yes.. it's our fault for spoiling you. It's our fault that you became the way you are now. It's our fault that you can't find a part time job to earn extra allowance for your entertainments. It's our fault caring too much.

I seriously don't know what to say anymore.

We are all very disappointed. We did not let you fall. Our hands were there all along for you to grab it and climb back up. But you chose not to even look at it. You chose to fall deeper. You chose to shut us down.

We just want you to know that we're all always here to keep you back as long as you're ready to change for better. Now, it's your choice to make. After all, we're just a guidance... we're not you.

PerspireX and Holiday Plans

So I tried PerspireX for a week now. I applied it 4 days in a row and stopped for 3 days now. And I think it’s too soon to tell whether it works or not but honestly, the next day of each application, my hands got really dry. So I think can consider it works la.. but then.. cos it’s too dry, I’m not used to it and had to apply lotion and like always, after I applied lotion on my hands, it’ll start sweating again. -_- but it’s okay.. next time I’ll try to refrain from applying lotion, see whether it works to stop the sweating or not. Oh, btw, I think I kinda know why my hands sweats so much… maybe it has something to do with my heartbeat…(Remember it’s always above 100bpm? ) I think it’s logic la.. Heartbeat fast = sweat. Right? When you exercise, your heartbeat faster that’s why you sweat.. right? Hmm… besides using PerspireX, I think I must go see doctor and take Chinese meds to “alter” my internal organs a bit.

 

 

OMG!!! Have I written anything about Gem Island? Yes yes.. Gem Island or Pulau Gemia. It’s located at Marang, Terengganu (near Kuantan). It’s actually a private island. Ming’s aunty worked there as a resort manager and his parents and sister went there for holiday last year and they said it was very nice place. I think few months ago, his aunt showed me some photos of weddings held there and seriously, it instantly became my dream wedding location! *hint hint*though the photos they put in the website is not so good quality, but imagine it taken with a good camera and by a professional. *imagine* and best part is, it’s VERY affordable lor.. (oi Smelly, start saving NOW!)

Ming’s parents said that the water there is super clear and can really see the fishes clearly, unlike PD or Penang. Wtf.. ok.. it’s better than Perhentian actually. I really wanna go there lo… who wanna go? Lets! Hmm.. always discuss with Uncle Mun and end up he will splash cold water again and say, “why not we go somewhere further? Like Phuket or Bali? Almost same price mah.. Since have to sit plane, might as well go far a bit…” a bit wtf one.. when I say go short trip, within Malaysia, he ask me to suggest, then cos Langkawi and Redang is very sien jor and Gem Island is like, we talked about it since forever, so it makes sense to suggest this place right? But he wanna go somewhere that can fly over cos he like to sit plane. -_- wtf. So I think I better plan myself and go myself cos always kena splash cold water so I better go sun tan a bit to neutralise it. I really wanna go there ASAP lo.. end of January, maybe? If not, have to wait til March or April. So long!!! Erm.. Ann, let’s go together gether.. just the two of us! Want? *big shiny eyes*

When there’s a will, there’s a way.

To sign up for gym is easy peasy. but.. go really GO is another story. so i signed up on Tuesday and i thought of going there on Wednesday, but my lazy ass say no… (ala Little Britain). Cos i had to wake up at 6am on Thursday for work, got event.. (excuses…) So Thursday.. but i forgot to pack my gym attire and put in the car. So i thought ok.. go back and change then go cos i finish at 4.30 and should reach home at 5 and still got time to change and go. but i thought nap a bit only go.. recharge ma.. woke up at 6 weh.. BUT i SLEPT til 11.30pm. wtf wtf! (and i thought i was late for work! hahaha! messed up the time and body clock… so TODAY, i finish work at 1pm. so i came home and service car, until about 3pm then i thought, okay… 4pm can go. so i avoid “napping” and niamah.. watched tv until 5. (actually still contemplating wanna go or not.. it’s drizzling weh..) okay la.. finally the angel took over the devil. so i changed, pack my things cos have to go Mid Valley for dinner with ex colleagues, and drove out. i thought.. “okay ma… it’s not HARD to go gym right…” then then… halfway driving, i realised i forgot to bring my comb. :P but i thought.. fuck it.. comb only ma.. no need to comb hair after shower nehmind.. tie up lor.. and then…… i realised that i forgot the most important thing.. after shower i dry with what?? cibai.. forgot to bring towel of all things. (cis.. dugaan..) so i made a u-turn to take it. (by that time, the devil almost took over and said “it’s a SIGN!! you’re meant to stay at home to SLEEP” but the angel is stronger… “drive a short distance only… work out and look GREAT is more important right?”).

so i finally reached that place. another dugaan is parking. have to make 3 rounds before i found it.. somemore half to walk a bit in the rain. nehmind… workout is more important! so i reached there at about 5.30pm. still got ample time to workout.

since it’s my actual first day, the trainer took my body measurements and weight. i almost died knowing my weight weh… too long didn’t weigh myself at home (in denial, remember?) ok lah.. maybe a bit exaggerated, but it’s the heaviest of my life weh!! fml. okay, so apparently my body fat is within the normal range, my body water is like 40 or 50% i can’t remember. wtf.. and my body muscles is only 26%?? hahaha.. damn wtf and fml. checked my diabetes also.. it’s within the normal range. so the trainer told me if i start working out,  i can lose that water a bit and muscles can go higher a bit. wtf.. he din say weigh will drop one? bleh.

then he asked me to cycle on that thing to check my dunno what. so i cycle lo… he put a clip on my ear to check the pulse rate one.. then he said my pulse is a bit higher than normal. normal people would have 95-98? (if i remember correctly from what i studied in form 3 wtf. lol. correct me if i’m wrong.)

ok.. i found something about pulse rate..

What is Normal Pulse Rate?
The normal pulse rate for humans, while resting, ranges between 60 to 80 beats per minute. In well-conditioned athletes, the pulse rate can also be as low as 60. When the pulse rate exceeds the normal range for a resting pulse, the condition is referred to as tachycardia, and when it falls below the normal range, the condition is referred to as bradycardia. Immense variations are observed in the heart rate when the individual indulges in different activities. For instance, while sleeping the pulse rate of the individual may drop down to as low as 40 beats per minute, whereas while exercising, it may rise to as high as 150 - 200 beats per minute. To understand about normal heart rate read more on what is normal heart rate.

Normal Pulse Rate for Adults: The normal pulse rate for men is approximately 68 to 75 beats per minute, whereas the normal pulse rate for women is approximately 72 to 80 beats per minute. The normal pulse rate for adults, at rest or during some physical activity, depends on their age and weight. For instance, a younger woman will display a higher heart rate than an older woman. Similarly, a woman with more weight will display a higher heart rate compared to her counterpart with less weight.

Normal Pulse Rate for Children: The normal pulse rate for children varies according to their age. For instance, the normal pulse rate for an infant would range between 100 to 160 beats per minute, whereas the same in toddlers or young children would range between 70 to 120 beats per minute. Older children most often display a pulse rate between 60 to 100 beats per minute.

source: http://www.buzzle.com/articles/normal-pulse-rate.html

wtf.. see what i highlighted?

ok, continue with my pulse rate… it’s 102-107. ya.. it’s either i’m still an infant, toddler, young child or.. I AM HEAVY to get that kind of pulse. but actually, even when i was still in secondary school, i’ve checked my normal pulse rate is memang above 100 one.. so i think it’s normal for me gua… (hyperactive? don’t think so..) but there must be some scientific explanations right? i dunno.. but i think so far i’m quite healthy *touch wood* so my pulse is not a big problem (my weight is).

so anyway.. yeah.. after the cycle thingy, he checked and i was ok. overall normal.

then….

we went to do some real workout.

biceps and triceps is ok la.. not very hard to do. but the thigh part.. i tell you… cos i tried the first time on Tuesday and my inner thigh muscles are still very sore until now. so he asked me to do the inner thigh.. wtf very hard lor. cos the pain from the first time i did it is still there and he ask me to do one set.. okla.. he lighten it for me after i said cannot move. wtf. i managed to complete it la.. then after all that arms and thighs, abs pulak..(main point – tummy). the machines for abs are very bearable. but when he asked me to lie down and lift my leg up to do a 90 degree or L shape, i really thought i died. (ok., exaggerating again) the first time i did was on Tuesday and i gave up after 4 times. but today, cannot embarrass myself. i managed to finish the set. *pats self*  

so basically, working out is really hardwork! wtf.

so after all that, he asked me to do cardio. and i thought…”ok lah.. at last can cycle a bit….” but he walked me to the treadmill! wtf wtf wtf. i was like… “not the treadmill… not the treadmill..” ugh. -_-

i hate running! the last time i ran was like… TEN years ago??!? wtf.. and that’s one of the reason i stopped hockey cos too much running.. and he ask me to run. fml. okay.. so in order to save my face from embarrassment, i run lo… when he said “15 minutes, ok?” i immediately felt like its going to be 15 years. T_T

so i walked for  3 mins and ran for 5 mins and walk and run… and walk.. and run.. i kept looking at the time it really feels long… but i finally found a secret to keep running. (i ended up running more than walk in that 15 minutes).

ok.. actually got 3 secret.

1. I WANT TO GET MY MONEY BACK from Smelly.

2. must prove to Uncle Mun that i’m not 3 minutes heat! (三分钟热度）that day he splash a bucket of cold water (put lang sui/泼冷水) say i won’t maintain it one…

3. ULTIMATE moral/emo/psycho support is.. i MUST look great in THAT dress! *imagine looking stunning in THAT dress* cannot look BIG/FAT/FLABBY/LOOSE/CHUBBY/horrible in THAT dress!

 

i tell you… i keep on imagining no. 3 that i don’t feel tired or out of breath while running! wtf!! normally i run ten steps i’ll feel tired,out of breath, stomach cramp, dizzy, what else..? LAZY? but no, while i imagine, i ran even faster and didn’t even think that it’s running! it’s like… “ceh… like walking only what…” like that!! muahahahaha…

so from now onwards, i’ll use that “ultimatum” to run.

 

it is really not easy ok… i mean to actually GO to gym.. so now i’ll think of the ULTIMATUM every time the devil creeps back in.

Do You Have One Too?

In every relationship, surely there is some special something between 2 people that we can categorise it as “Our *noun*”. For example, Our Song, Our Place, Our Movie, etc., you get the drift. I can safely say that most people who are in a relationship have that “special something”. Or at least it occurs in my case(s).

 

I was trying hard to remember what was my first “Our Song”.. to my surprise, my first “Our Song” does not belong to any of my ex boyfriends… it belongs to me and my best friend. The song was “Ai, Hen Jian Dan” by David Tao. I don’t know how it became “Our Song” and why it was that song. It’s just… Our Song. Now, every time I listen to that song, it’ll remind me of those bittersweet memories that we went through (sorry to disappoint anyone, but we’re really just best friends if you’re wondering now, so no juicy stories okay).

 

With one of my ex, we have “Our Path”. Which is the road that we used to automatically walked every time, when we wandered aimlessly. It’s from KL Plaza towards Low Yat Plaza via BB Plaza sidewalk. We used to end up walking towards that direction unknowingly and walk back to the starting point. Thinking about it now makes me feel like an idiot… no direction, just walk and make a U-turn. Damn waste time. Wtf.

 

With another ex of mine, we have “Our Language”. We used to turn the first letter of a word to “W” in our conversation for example, “I miss you” became “I wiss you” and “I love you” became “I wurve you”, and we would make up some gibberish words that only we would understand and ended up competing who “invented” the most complicated word and we had fun guessing the meaning of those words we created for each other. (sigh… bitter-ing)

 

When most people will have some normal type of “Our *something*”, me and my Smelly have most of “Our *something*” quite differently. For example, Our Song. When most people have romantic Pop, R&B, Soul or Classical songs, Our Song is a Trance song.  A bit wtf right? Lol. Damn un-romantic. But the title is ok la… It’s “Angel Falls” by Ayla. I forgot when or how we declare it Our Song, but I had fun teasing him when I know he used it as his ringtone for my number when we first dated..

 

“Why you use this ringtone for my number geh?”

 

“Dunno.. I like la..”

 

“Oh.. I know… Angel Falls.. like, I Fall, like that la??”

 

Geddit? Geddit?? Ok. Might be lame. But it works every time, to make him feel jah dou. So every time we heard that song, I will say, “Bie!! I Fall!!  *slump on him*” wtf!

 

Our Song is weird enough.. and to add more weirdness (weird to me lah), we have “Our Phrase”. Which is “stupid dum dum”. We’ll call each other “stupid dum dum” whenever there’s a chance. No miss one! I ask you la.. where got people call their girlfriend/boyfriend stupid (and still get away with it) one?? Ish..  

 

There’s still a list of “Our *something*”  but I shall not disclose too much here. Wtf.. later you all say we stupid dum dum.

 

Bleh!

 

What’s your “Our *insert special something*”??

I am not your ATM machine.

If you don’t have money, then DON’T USE them. At the end of the day, don’t come back to us and demand us to give money to you (note: GIVE cos we all know that you’re not gonna pay us back after all that promises cos the same thing will happen every fucking month and the cycle continues).

If we can learn from the hard way, I’m sure you can too. And I’m still not fucking sure why she still want to help you out and giving all sorts of excuses to blind herself, and trying to blind us too, just to make everyone feels that it’s okay to help you out. Ughh! You’re working now and I am too. The only person that I ask money from is my boss, just because he is obligated to pay my salary and everyone else’s.

Of course, to say that I don’t ask others for cash is a total lie, cos I do admit I’m human too, I ask money from Smelly when I’m extremely out of cash BUT I do pay him back when I have money. Whereas you? You didn’t even say thank you when we gave you money! And the attitude after you get the money is totally NOT acceptable by normal social standard! Plus, WE DO NOT WORK OUR ASSES OFF TO GIVE YOU MONEY! And you in return, gave the money to illegal gambling arcade AND your girlfriend’s shoes! Wtf! And now you’re saying as if I am obligated to give you money as present for your birthday. Niamah!

I repeat… I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE CASH TO YOU ANYMORE. If you’re really hungry, I’ll buy you food. That’s because I’m still human.

Grr.

 

 

little by little.

I’ve been going home more regular lately. It feels strangely good. Strange, because I’ve been staying out for almost 3 years now and during those 3 years, I can even count with my fingers how many times I actually stayed overnight at home. I do feel guilty for not being home often. And I’ve talked about moving back home so many times that nobody’s gonna believe that I can make it because I never kept my words. Going back home lately is actually some kind of achievement for me. I said it feels strangely good because I never thought that I’ll feel good going home. I’ve always thought that my room is not the same anymore; my bed doesn’t have “my” scent already, even my wardrobe is left too long that my clothes got yellowish and smelt “forgotten”. But I realized that I felt good because something just doesn’t change no matter how long I stayed out. It’s still MY home. It still felt warm despite whatever icy emotional wars that never fades in the house ever since before I even move out.

One thing that got me hyped up these days when I go home is due to the existence of my niece. She’s 17 months now and she’s such a cute mischievous bundle of joy. Though she doesn’t really come home that often with my sister, but every time she’s back, she lights up everyone’s mood. Ahh… such a bliss to be a child. No worries, no stress, capable to throw whatever fits whenever possible (and get away with it), being loved and pampered by everyone, doing the simplest things that make people laugh… well at least we all lived the first 5 years of our lives without uncertainties… how I wished I remember how it was like to be a two-year old. Sure it was fun. At least nobody’s going to judge you. All children are cute no matter how annoying they get. They’re all meant to be loved. All deserved to be pampered.

Tiny little things changed bit by bit and the latest things that I realized when I was home last week were all the plants that were planted by grampa, ever since I can remember, went missing. His beautifully shaped multi-colored azaleas, the fern tree that survived for more than 20 years, those different types of vegetables that he used to plant regularly (though I never really dare to eat it ever since I got to know what he used as fertilizer), his beloved bonsais … all of that, was his glory. He was very proud of them and everyone was marveled at his talent, creating those gorgeous plants. Passersby gazed at those bonsais in admiration and many were envious, for it was too beautifully created (though he sold most of them few years before he passed away, which made my dad furious cos he sold it too cheap)…. Those azaleas, was my favorite of all. Three or four colors married to a steady branch in one big pot, skillfully bent into their shapes and designs (he used to cut it into bird shapes, which I’d always thought was shape of planes). I used look at him in amusement whenever he work on his plants. He put so much effort in each and every masterpiece and it still amazes me how brilliant my grampa was. When he passed away, those plants became orphans and left unattended. Some of them slowly got out of shape and some of them decided to accompany grampa to a better place. And when I found out that it went missing last week (I think dad got rid of them), I felt a tinge of pain in my heart. His glory died with him. Bits by bits.

Another thing that changed is gramma. She never calls my name like few months ago. She can’t remember me anymore. In fact, she can’t remember anyone. No words can be used to describe how I felt every time I see her now. She got thinner day by day. Her memories are vanishing. Her smiles are fading. All I can see in her face now is confusion and emptiness. What is she thinking right now? What is in her mind all the time now that she doesn’t remember? I wonder if she still recalls anything. I wonder if she’s putting any efforts to do so. But I’m sure she remembers at least something… Could she? It saddens me whenever I thought of her situation. Her deteriorating memories, her dislocated hips that is recovering slowly, her puzzled expression from not remembering anything… looking at her now is like looking at a rose that we received from our partner. The minute we received it, we started to admire it and before we learn how to appreciate it, it’s time to let it off our hands. We tried hard to preserve it from withering, but we knew one day, the petals will dry up and drop one by one.

I will appreciate the rose that I’ve neglected and almost forgotten. I will remember to shower it with love even though I knew it couldn’t absorb any more of it. Even though I knew one day, all that will be left is the thorny dry stem and I’ll have to pick up the petals from the floor… one by one, pieces by pieces.

Skype with mommy last night.

the first thing she asked was.. "have you noticed my new haircut?"

we should webcam more often.

oh.. shorty, if you're reading this, mom wants to skype with eva. this sunday?

Farewell With A Heavy Heart.

I finally went in and see my boss.

I told him that I wanted to resign and he persuaded me to stay.

I nearly cried. I was kinda holding back those tears.

Of course, I also nearly thought of dropping the idea of resigning after what he told me. Some encouraging words of wisdom. But I didn’t succumb to that idea cos I know it’s not what I wanted. Though I know this is a very comfortable place to work in, a place where I can learn many things but at the end of the day, it’s not what I’m looking forward to. Like he said, “you already have the right attitude, just that you don’t have the passion. All you need is to put in a lil bit of effort and passion into what you’re doing. It’s not about job. It’s about the passion. You HAVE to like what you’re doing..”

I told him I don’t think I can be a good secretary. I don’t think I can do it.

“You cannot think that way. How do you know you can’t do it? Don’t look down on yourself… you have to think that you can… you have to have positive thinking…”

“I think this is not what I wanted and it’s not what I’m good at…”

So I told him that I’ve made up my mind and he also agreed that if my heart is not here, it’s difficult to do things. Totally agree.

I’m gonna miss having a nice boss like him!

S.A.F.S (Save A Fat Soul) wtf.

I’m worried.

I looked fat lately. Really fat. I feel fat. But strange thing is… I didn’t put on any weight and all my clothes still fits me like it used to.

How come leh?

Maybe because I feel ugly so I naturally feel fat too.

Damn.

I think it’s either because of my hair, or I’m already used to seeing myself in make-up.

And lately.. I think my nose is too big.. HUGE.

*Gasp! Horror!*

Am I becoming vainer?

Please.tell.me.i’m.not.

Thank you very much.

p/s- seriously.. I think my nose is very big.


******************************************

I don’t know about this anymore.

Hmm.

It’s a mixed feeling of irony, indecisiveness, heavy heart and curiosity.

Part of me wants it so badly. But another part of me doesn’t because I’ve fallen into the comfort zone. Not that I cannot adapt to changes. But then… I’m more than happy to live in comfort than to live in surprises. Seriously. But I don’t mind surprises since it’ll bring excitement.

I seriously need a professional advice.

Anyone care to help a lost fat soul?

maybe unfit?

I don’t understand why some MOST people had to use the lift even if it’s only ONE FLOOR up/down!!! Got staircase cannot use meh? Walk one floor up/down is very difficult meh?? Hphh! Because of you people, people like ME, had to stop floor by floor before reaching my destination! UGH!
-end of rant-

It’s already April! One more month tour trip! Oh.. Deric and Shirley might be coming along too. Yay! The more the merrier! Hopefully they won’t ffk last minute though.

Oh.. Supposed I booked the flight at noon, but I think they cancelled their 12pm flight and we had to reschedule to either 3pm or 9am. So I changed it to 9am cos more time for us there! Hehe.

I’ve been refraining myself from buying any clothes, shoes and accessories lately cos I wanted to get everything there cos it’s so very the cheap compared to here! (ok lah.. maybe not shoes.. but I’ll try my best not to buy anything form now on except for food… ok.. and cigarettes).

I seriously can’t wait for it man!

*****************************************

Today is like… quite a very dull day. Boss went for a workshop for SMC so there’s nothing much to do. I’m beginning to feel that I’m not much of a help to him and what Vincent said all this while (to which, I very agree!) that I’m not fit to be a personal assistant/secretary/whatever you wanna call it. Seriously, I think it’s very true lor! I don’t have a good memory. I can’t concentrate in something that I’m not interested in ie: meetings. I’m not super well-organized compared to other PAs. I just.. ok, I admit it.. I just can’t sit still all day long. That’s so not me.

As much as I tried stopping myself comparing the current job to the previous ones, I found myself stuck in the thoughts more. I’m trying hard. But I’m not sure if I’m giving my best (ugh.. confidence issue..) gah! Whatever.

*****************************************

Things happen for a reason. And I hope I don’t have to always find a reason for an excuse.

Ching Ming aka Grave Sweeping Day.

Throat inflammation again. It hurt so bad every morning when I woke up. A bit itchy too.

I think it’s because I haven’t had enough proper rest lately.

Coughing badly too. But no phlegm came out.

Oh.. and this “package” comes with constant headache too. I think it’s what Chinese always refers as: “gah foh” direct translation: fake fire? I’m not sure what it’s called in English. Do they even have a term for it at the first place? Ugh.. never mind.

Went to Mambau, I think it’s between Seremban and Port Dickson, to visit my Grampa’s grave on Saturday because Ching Ming ,the day we visit graves of our ancestors to clean their tombs. Dad told me and brother it’s their “New Year”, cos for us, we clean our house for Chinese New, so we have to sweep the grave as clean as possible too..

We departed at 6.30a.m, and reached there around 7.45a.m. There were so many people there compared to last year we went. Dad told it’s because last year, we went a month earlier cos it’s the first year Grampa “celebrated” Ching Ming. Last year, there were some Indonesian workers there offering to clean the graves for us (for RM50), but this year, we saw no signs of them. Perhaps they’re busy with other graves. Dad told us it’s a tradition that we need to pass on to our next generation next time. Dad doesn’t really know the complete (and original) ritual cos Grampa came from China and our ancestors are all buried in China. We just simply brought some food and a bottle of Guinness Stout (Grampa’s favourite)for offerings and also some stuff (clothes and “hell money”) that we burn for Grampa. Some people there even brought firecrackers and burn it in front of their ancestors’ grave. It’s really like a celebration.

It’s a believe that praying to our ancestors (most Chinese have an altar for ancestors besides other Gods statues at home) brings good luck to next generations. Dad told me that his brother in China (different mother) who prays to our ancestors and clean their graves during Ching Ming, is doing very well now, compared to another brother who doesn’t. It’s kinda sad that dad never been to China for a visit to our ancestors’ graves as most people usually will go back to their origin country for a visit. At least we (the next generation) knows where our ancestors were buried.

Ming’s mother told me that only the sons can go for Grave Sweeping. Married daughters are not allowed to go, unless they had the permission from their brothers (which I personally think it’s a ridiculous rule). I asked why is it so? Married daughters are still family too, right? She said because married daughter doesn’t carry the same surname anymore, also, they believe (and afraid) that the good luck will be taken away by the daughters. Wtf? Ridiculous, no? I think it is nonsense. I asked my dad the other day and he said for him, it’s okay to have his sisters to visit Grampa. The more the merrier. That tradition/rule is for selfish people to follow/believe. Which, I agree totally. How can you ban married daughters to visit their ancestors? It’s so unfair. And what if that family doesn’t have any sons? Damn sad right?

So back to my story… we reach there quite early but still it’s flooded with people. Luckily the sun is not up so high yet when we reached and still covered by the higher ground so it’s still not too hot. This year, only three of us went. Dad, Desmond and I. (Last year, we had Debb, Fazral and Ben with us). After we finished cleaning, offering and praying, we ate the food. Hehe.

Being the first year cleaning the grave ourselves, we didn’t know what compulsory tools to bring, so we used plastic bag as gloves and newspaper as broom to sweep it. Next year, we’re gonna bring gloves, mini broom/brush and maybe a shovel. We passed by a grave planted with those nice grass, which is quite beautiful. I wanted to take some photos for this visit, but then only realized that I forgot to bring camera and left my phone at home.

Speaking of photos, there are still quite a number of photos sitting in the memory card cos the card reader is spoilt. Oh.. I splurged last weekend too. Gah! But I think it’s a necessity and I don’t really feel bad about it. Report after I get a new card reader.